!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

i havent cut since the 16th...last thursday...and its killing me...i havent updated or commented in a long time either...ive been so fucked up...a year ago at this time i was driving around with my boyfriend and his best friend...for three hours we drove around all crammed into the front seat of his pickup truck and for those three hours i swear i was the happiest person alive...after they dropped me off, my bf immediatly called me from his cell and we talked until midnight, when i had to go to church...i still have the "doodles" that i drew when on the phone...we broke up in the beginning of february..and soon after that his best friend decided i was a slut and made it a point to tell me this everyday..in school..on im..on the phone..it never stopped...the first day of school this year he was walking with my ex and when they got to me he yelled slut right in front of everybody..it sucks because i actually liked him and wanted to be friends with him..luckily, he dropped out after the first week of school..if he hadnt, i doubt i would be here right now..thats how much he affected me...he still im's me once in awhile..calling me a slut until i leave..unfortunately, where he left off my ex picked up. all through our very messy breakup, he never yelled at me or called me a name or anything..since his friend dropped out, he leaves a voicemail on my cell at least once a week calling me a slut and saying i didnt deserve him..and when i confront him about it, he denys it..its so gay..god..the whole situation is fucking first grader bullshit and i dont want to be a part of it...i wish i could say it didnt bother me, and that i didnt miss my ex or his friend, but i cant

a year ago, i had a best friend...he was living here (in pa) with his brother..but he had to leave at the end of january to go to maryland to take care of his mom, who is addicted to meth and heroine..the last time i talked to him was mid-march, on the phone, and he told me he was sorry, and that he loved me, but he couldnt come back...part of the reason i broke up with my bf was because my best friend left..i knew i couldnt deal with everything on my own..and i didnt trust my bf, nor did i want him to have to deal with me..so i ended it..and just like that i was without a best friend and a boyfriend

a year ago, i was smoking pot, doing pills, and drinking...for fun...i gave up pot shortly after new years this year, and i havent gone near it since..im not sure why i quit..but i never had any desire to go back to it..until this past week...i want it so bad...now, i do pills and drink only to escape from reality..i cant remember the last time i got fucked up for fun..after i gave up pot and lost my two favorite people, cutting became an everyday thing..

i hate christmas so much...i associate it with so many bad things, and death is one of them...two of my uncles died on december 16th, one this year and one a few years ago...my cousin killed himself two years ago on christmas day...my cousins grandpa died on christmas eve last year, and my sister died on january 4th..it sucks seeing my family sad when this is supposed to be a "happy" time of year

wow, im sorry that was so long...this time of year just sucks for me..and i needed to get it out...well, i hope everyone has a good christmas (or whatever you celebrate) and ill try to update a little more
stay strong

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: sublime