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Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 9:37a | Long entry. Being 16 was the worst year of my life. Being pulled out of my school, losing all my friends, cutting, fighting fighting fighting, being kicked out of my house, cutting, coming back home, leaving home again, cops, cutting, depression, suicide, metal hospital, therapy therapy therapy, being kicked out again, more cutting. The list goes on and on. Yesterday was my 17th birthday. Not much happened. One or two people remembered. Whatever. My mom was screaming at me yesterday. She's kicking me out of the house (again) because she dosn't like who I am. Whatever that means. She was just telling me how much she hates me and how everyone hates me and she can't wait until I leave because she's gonna run like hell. No matter how much I try to ignore it. It still hurts. I feel like a loser but it does. She took my house key and said after school today I'm coming straight home, packing my things, and getting out. I called my aunt and she said I could live with her so at least I have a place to go. After Christmas I have to come back and get the rest of my stuff like my bed etc. What a very merry Christmas... I did this peom for my creative writing class. My teacher really liked it and started asking questions. He asked if I cut and that kind of stuff. And I told him I did. For some reason I knew I could trust him. And he was so understanding and he didn't judge me at all. He actually cared when he didn't even have to. The next day he bought me a journal. This really nice one too. And on the inside he wrote this message to me. He wrote: "Kristi, Write it all down, don't edit, and remember to always pick up the pen first. Let the pen be your knife and your words the script" I started to cry because he didn't have to do that. He told me that he couldn't get me out of his head and he wanted to do something for me. He didn't have to care but he did anyway. I don't understand why he cares but the people who are supossed to love me the most, hate me. It makes me want to cut. It makes me want to kill myself. I just want to cut right where the vein is on your arm, the one on top of your elbow. Just slit both of them and die. Or just bleed until I can feel anything but this. This is the poem I wrote. It's about cutting and my mom. I don't know why I did it Why I do it And I'm sorry it disturbs you I'm sorry it hurts you But just one more time Just once more Only one little cut It won't hurt anyone but me I'll hide it I won't even tell you You'll never know I promise. And I'll leave out the part where I went too far And I cut a little too deep And how one more is never enough And I do it Again and again and Again. Because It's the only way I can feel Sedated reality And my raw scars intertwine Around what's left of my Existing skin Spreading like weeds Injuring Cutting And mutilating any remembrance of the girl You once loved. And I'm sorry it disturbs you I'm sorry it hurts you But just one more time Just once more Only one little cut It won't hurt anyone but me I'll hide it I won't even tell you You'll never know I promise. Thanks for listening. Current Mood: hurt Current Music: No Rain - Blind Melon |
| 9:37a | Long entry. Being 16 was the worst year of my life. Being pulled out of my school, losing all my friends, cutting, fighting fighting fighting, being kicked out of my house, cutting, coming back home, leaving home again, cops, cutting, depression, suicide, metal hospital, therapy therapy therapy, being kicked out again, more cutting. The list goes on and on. Yesterday was my 17th birthday. Not much happened. One or two people remembered. Whatever. My mom was screaming at me yesterday. She's kicking me out of the house (again) because she dosn't like who I am. Whatever that means. She was just telling me how much she hates me and how everyone hates me and she can't wait until I leave because she's gonna run like hell. No matter how much I try to ignore it. It still hurts. I feel like a loser but it does. She took my house key and said after school today I'm coming straight home, packing my things, and getting out. I called my aunt and she said I could live with her so at least I have a place to go. After Christmas I have to come back and get the rest of my stuff like my bed etc. What a very merry Christmas... I did this peom for my creative writing class. My teacher really liked it and started asking questions. He asked if I cut and that kind of stuff. And I told him I did. For some reason I knew I could trust him. And he was so understanding and he didn't judge me at all. He actually cared when he didn't even have to. The next day he bought me a journal. This really nice one too. And on the inside he wrote this message to me. He wrote: "Kristi, Write it all down, don't edit, and remember to always pick up the pen first. Let the pen be your knife and your words the script" I started to cry because he didn't have to do that. He told me that he couldn't get me out of his head and he wanted to do something for me. He didn't have to care but he did anyway. I don't understand why he cares but the people who are supossed to love me the most, hate me. It makes me want to cut. It makes me want to kill myself. I just want to cut right where the vein is on your arm, the one on top of your elbow. Just slit both of them and die. Or just bleed until I can feel anything but this. This is the poem I wrote. It's about cutting and my mom. I don't know why I did it Why I do it And I'm sorry it disturbs you I'm sorry it hurts you But just one more time Just once more Only one little cut It won't hurt anyone but me I'll hide it I won't even tell you You'll never know I promise. And I'll leave out the part where I went too far And I cut a little too deep And how one more is never enough And I do it Again and again and Again. Because It's the only way I can feel Sedated reality And my raw scars intertwine Around what's left of my Existing skin Spreading like weeds Injuring Cutting And mutilating any remembrance of the girl You once loved. And I'm sorry it disturbs you I'm sorry it hurts you But just one more time Just once more Only one little cut It won't hurt anyone but me I'll hide it I won't even tell you You'll never know I promise. Thanks for listening. Current Mood: hurt Current Music: No Rain - Blind Melon |
| 10:43a | hey... gosh...2day wuz horrible. i went out with my mom...and wen we passed by sunset place she told me sumthing that would ruin my day... we were on our way 2 my grandma's house and we stopped at a red light right next 2 sunset place. then she tells me that a guy failed committing suicide there a couple weeks ago and wen he wuz caught he wuz immediately sent 2 a physcologist. then she gave me a horrible speech..she tells me that "those" ppl that try n commit suicide and cut themselves are all crazy and mental...i almost burst in tears. if only my mom knew..she hurt me so much...My own mom thinks im crazy and duznt even know it... =( help plz...i wuz doing so well and its been 9 days now that i havent cut and i wuz looking up 4 christmas and then i blow it... *9 days* Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Green day- Boulevard of Broken Dreams |
| 3:35p | i was in the shower and all i saw was blood and then i came back to reality. i cut my leg. 7 times all about in the same place and it was kind of deep. i dont even remember why or what i was thinking but now i just want to do it again i just want to cut everything away. i want to cut my love for bruce and all of the other pain away. 50 fucking days all gone to waste. i can't stop. i dont know why i ever thought that i could. <3 gabby |
| 6:46p | jjeez... yeah so my mom found out i cut by some poams i wrote.. i told her i didnt thoughh... i have never seen her sooo torn apart before in my life.. she was crying and shaking and of course that made me cry and she was saying that she always saw the happy side of me and she was wondering if i had to sides that was so messed up and depressed truthfully i was but of course i lyed to her and told her that i was fine.. she said that if i did i would be right on my way to see a shrink i've gotten better.. though its been three months since i last cut and im really proud of myself... that happing to my mom.. kinda like scared me out of doing it.. i really don't want to hurt my mom.. she's been through to much with my sister and brother... my brother has been to jail like 15 million times and my sister ran away for 2 years... and i just didnt want to do thatt... but of course she endeed up going into how hard she knows being a teenager is.. cause she was pregnant at 16 and she was telling me not to have sex for a while which is too late for me cause i havent been a virgin for quite some time now.. but i don't want her to deal with stuff with me cause i know it will make her heartbreak.. but yeah im done for now i guess ill try and update more its been like a long time for mee but im done byee -- jen Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: She's The Blade -- Sugarcult |
| 7:15p | What the f#@$! my step dad is such a jerk he says i he doesn't want me over the house my mom agrees my step dad was once so great then he became my worst enamie. my boyfriend and i are much better, still after x-mas i am cutting alot, maybe even over dose i mean i ruin everything but then again i do have somethings to live for. i am so confused. i hope all of u who are trying to quit realixze there are people who love u and careAlthough sometimes cutting is worth it. |
| 10:45p | hi it's so good to be off from school..most of my friends are fucked up..everybody's doing drugs..i personally think cutting is better then drugs..but my opinion isnt important and im stopping cutting yay..its very tempting though..lately ive tried not to think about anything..im sorta worthless though cuz i j/ sit around..sometimes play ddr but start thinking and rem. that ill never be as good as rachael and j/ give up..i hate thinking..im pessimistic..w/e..ive gained weight..my mom said so too..juan says not to listen to her cuz shes always bringing me down..but he has no idea what he does to me..today he told me that the girl he likes likes him back..yay for him..perfect for me..it doesnt matter he doesnt even notice me..w/e..dont u hate it when the guy u want to notice you..notices everybody but you??..i hate that..its sorta a pattern w/ the guys i like though so im sorta getting used to it..giving up??..i dunno u pick..well anyway.. H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S ! ! everybody =)..hope nobody's depressed over christmas and everything..im wishing that the year 2005 is a lot better then 2004 cuz 2004 clearly sucked..::idea:: stopping cutting is a good new years resolution or w/e hope everybody's happy =) Y A S I Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: ::pain-jimmy eat world:: |
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