Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Time	Event
11:28a	I was so happy just a few minutes ago and now, I just want to be held, I dont know whats wrong with me. Well...I lied, I do know whats wrong with me. I hate how I am, my whole being. This morning I was just looking at myself in the mirror and decided I wasnt skinny enough and I decided that I had eaten to much last nyght, so I threw it all up. It was like cutting (which I havent done in a couple of days) so it kind of took the place of it. I felt so liberated, until now, when I am thinking about it. My stomach growls and is hungry, but I cant eat. I wont end up being huge when I grow up or even now. I have to be skinny like these girls, then maybe they might like me. I've never belonged to anything before, yeah I've played volleyball for 4 years now, but I was never friends with them. I have some friends, but usually they dont want anything to do with me, so except for Adam, I'm alone. So I thought, that if I was skinny like them and maybe more pretty, they would want me. Thinking like this has got me all worked up, I just want to cry, but I cant cry, or else I will have to punish myself and I cant do that. I've been hiding my cuts and my sadness so well from everyone, so why am I breaking down now? I want my parents to stop fighting, I want my mom to just leave me alone, all I heard last nyght from her was that she wishes I was someone else. I just wish I could curl up and disappear, it wouldnt be like anyone would miss me. I dont talk to anyone now a days, so how could they miss me? Oh I feel so alone, wont anyone just hold me and lie to me telling me everything will be better? That everything will work out for the best, but I guess that line doesnt work anymore, it doesnt work out. I feel so dirty because of my thoughts that I want to do to myself. Have you ever pictured yourself just taking a blade and running it along your neck to see how much it would bleed? Or taking a steak knife and running along your favorite part of your body just to see how it would feel? I have, thats what I'm doing right now and it scares me. I'm scared of myself and I'm sorry if anyone reads this you shouldnt have to... "My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me 'Til then I walk alone" "Now I'm finding my friends hanging from trees made out of barded wire beds I'm on the loose with the noose on my neck, but hey, I enjoy the intense..." Current Mood: drained Current Music: Boulevard of broken dreams- Green Day (Comment on this)
11:28a	I was so happy just a few minutes ago and now, I just want to be held, I dont know whats wrong with me. Well...I lied, I do know whats wrong with me. I hate how I am, my whole being. This morning I was just looking at myself in the mirror and decided I wasnt skinny enough and I decided that I had eaten to much last nyght, so I threw it all up. It was like cutting (which I havent done in a couple of days) so it kind of took the place of it. I felt so liberated, until now, when I am thinking about it. My stomach growls and is hungry, but I cant eat. I wont end up being huge when I grow up or even now. I have to be skinny like these girls, then maybe they might like me. I've never belonged to anything before, yeah I've played volleyball for 4 years now, but I was never friends with them. I have some friends, but usually they dont want anything to do with me, so except for Adam, I'm alone. So I thought, that if I was skinny like them and maybe more pretty, they would want me. Thinking like this has got me all worked up, I just want to cry, but I cant cry, or else I will have to punish myself and I cant do that. I've been hiding my cuts and my sadness so well from everyone, so why am I breaking down now? I want my parents to stop fighting, I want my mom to just leave me alone, all I heard last nyght from her was that she wishes I was someone else. I just wish I could curl up and disappear, it wouldnt be like anyone would miss me. I dont talk to anyone now a days, so how could they miss me? Oh I feel so alone, wont anyone just hold me and lie to me telling me everything will be better? That everything will work out for the best, but I guess that line doesnt work anymore, it doesnt work out. I feel so dirty because of my thoughts that I want to do to myself. Have you ever pictured yourself just taking a blade and running it along your neck to see how much it would bleed? Or taking a steak knife and running along your favorite part of your body just to see how it would feel? I have, thats what I'm doing right now and it scares me. I'm scared of myself and I'm sorry if anyone reads this you shouldnt have to... "My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me 'Til then I walk alone" "Now I'm finding my friends hanging from trees made out of barded wire beds I'm on the loose with the noose on my neck, but hey, I enjoy the intense..." Current Mood: drained Current Music: Boulevard of broken dreams- Green Day (1 Comment | Comment on this)
7:28p	A poem I found in a girls profile that I was talking to... The problem.. is they don't know what its like to be... A cutter... To punish themselves for their wrong doings... To wonder if the scars will ever go away.... To constantly be asked what the scars are from.... To replace emotional pain with physical pain... To be teased or be called insults such as..... Mental, crazy, freak, weird... To cause pain... Mentally and physically... To wear long sleeve shirts during the summer... To have to explain what the cuts are from.... To be so numb they need to feel and bleed.. To be held in this painful addiction... Wonder if they will ever overcome it... And.... Be happy Maybe Feeling Sane Is Really What Other People Consider Insane I saw this in a girls profile that was talking to me about my problem... (Comment on this)
7:28p	A poem I found in a girls profile that I was talking to... The problem.. is they don't know what its like to be... A cutter... To punish themselves for their wrong doings... To wonder if the scars will ever go away.... To constantly be asked what the scars are from.... To replace emotional pain with physical pain... To be teased or be called insults such as..... Mental, crazy, freak, weird... To cause pain... Mentally and physically... To wear long sleeve shirts during the summer... To have to explain what the cuts are from.... To be so numb they need to feel and bleed.. To be held in this painful addiction... Wonder if they will ever overcome it... And.... Be happy Maybe Feeling Sane Is Really What Other People Consider Insane I saw this in a girls profile that was talking to me about my problem... (1 Comment | Comment on this)
11:15p	so here i am again.i cant stand going out with my friends anymore- the ponly person i can stand is erica, i can easily say she is my closest friend here. i know that i can always call her and talk to her abotu how i'm feeling. i've been throwing myself against walls again...better than cutting? well, now i have four bruises, and i like them :) i miss the cold touch of a razor on my warm skin...i miss the blood spilling over my arms, rolling into my hands, making the pain go away. A kiss will make it all better. Only a razor kiss. (3 Comments | Comment on this)

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