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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 11:22a | okey..so this is whats going on.. Alright so I was talking to my mom the other week and she was telling me that she doesnt want me to be there anymore and that she thinks it would be a good Idea for me to go and live with my grandparents..well I was thinking about it for a while..and it kinda seems like a good idea *mind you this would be in Oklahoma* so I wouldn't be with Josh, or be able to see anyone that has any meaning in my heart.. Yet it really seems like a good idea, more sun light, more to do a lot less stress. I'd have my grandparents..and animals...and i'd be going to a really small school so I could get everything accomplished...it wouldn't be that hard...alot better then here... and I'd be living with people who don't judge me on everything I do... I actually get along a LOT better with my grandparents than with my OWN parents.. Then I wouldn't have to continue working at McDonalds... relief but Josh doesn't want me to go... kathy and saleena dont want me to go... they are the only ones that know about this other than my parents...my younger sister doesn't even know...I dunno i've wanted to move for so long now... and I have this chance..and I don't even know if I can go through with it now because I've become attached to people here...and now it would be really hard to leave the people that mean alot to me...jesus.. There is always something that will be stopping me.. no matter what it is, ** Sigh ** I have until December 28th...and then I find out whether or not Im going to be moving..so I have to use my time here well... I wonder how my grandparents feel about having me live with them... we always get along so well.. hmm... anyways................................. I wrote a poem today...I think I'll share... "Courage" A life full of darkness breeding all this hate looking the whole time, a simple way to escape... not knowing where to go, or how to turn away.. wanting so much, for this pain not to stay. Gather all my courage, theres no turning back now.. tossing, turning as I sleep, emotions have all gone down, interuppted by a dream, not one you want to see.. gather your courage,look at how it might be onw you know what it's like for me everyday inside I scream Current Mood:  gloomyCurrent Music: My Immortal |
| 1:12p | okay soo.. i dont really know what to say. i dont cut but its weird..i like always get scabs and i have this obsession of picking them and stuff like that and i have so many scars and..i dont like them. if somebody can help me on this or something..i dont know. any good ideas to get rid of scars. i know some people like them, but i hate mine. and i hate always getting asked how i get them. okay well comment if you want. much lub, xo shan Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: i'm not okay (i promise) - my chemical romance |
| 2:34p | hmm havent updated in here lately. i guess ive just been updating mainly in thinspiration cause all of my time is consumed by killing myself with my eating disorder. i havent really been depressed in the sense that i actually want to cut. yeah im still depressed, but i dunno...the holiday season has put me in a BETTER mood so i dont really feel like cutting. me and my dad are also getting along better at the moment, so hes not the reason for cutting. i wish that i could die though. i thought about this last night..i wish i would just die in an accident or something because i couldnt ever kill myself. i dont like myself enough to kill myself. if that makes any sense. its like..i hate myself so much that i almost want myself to go through this hell just so its another way i punish myself. killing myself would actually be me doing something for myself and i dont want to give myself that type of satisfaction. like, i would take away my pain and put it all on other people..and seriously, how selfish is that. i havent done things for myself in a long time..why start now?! the comments about my weight have finally started dying down. i know im constantly being watched though. my mom knows i have an eating disorder whether or not shes actually going to come out and say it, i know she knows. of course my sis knows..i told her, my friends im sure suspect it considering theyre constantly telling me that i need to eat more.."gah kristen youre so skinny, you need to eat, your such a bean poll, eat eat EAT." damnit people..leave me alone. if i want to do this to myself do you think your comments are going to change that?! and seriously, do you go up to someone and say "wow, youve gotten really fat..you must have been pigging out for months. havent you gained like 30 pounds?" NO! so why the hell do you come up to me and say "wow, youve lost a lot of weight! what have you been doing? are you eating? how much weight have you lost; 30 pounds?" ever think about that? of course i dont mind people asking me about it that have eating disorders that i can talk about it with. but my friends..they wouldnt understand. they said they wouldnt ever do it, blah blah about it being stupid. but go through it and then tell me how easy it is to not do it.. Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: im already gone-kelly clarkson |
| 5:03p | Forgotten are these feelings I feel.....not anymore... I feel: Cold Hated Unwanted Stupid Fat Lonley Unbeautiful Afraid to move Afraid to live Afraid to love FORGOTTEN Left out Wanting to Run away A shitty Dancer NOTHING Useless Unpretty Cheated Not Me Current Mood: Alot of things Current Music: Forgotten- Avril Lavinge |
| 5:32p | happy fucking birthday to me. todays my birthday.. i hate celebrating my birthday so im not having a party. - why should i celebrate the one day i hate most? the day i was born. i wish this day never happened. and last night. my boyfriend the love of my lifee.. well i heard from someone that he wanted to break up with me but he didnt wanna cause its my birthday.. so today i got my firned [ a guy who my boyfriend knows i think is hott.. and the kid is really popular and every girls like obsessed with him and stuff.. so i knew he'd be jealous if he broke up with him] to break up with him for me. andd after .. i was walking to the classroom and he was walking with his friend. andd i was like heyy.. and he was like happy birthday nicole. and that was pretty much it. so happy fucking birthday to me ? ughh i hate lovee !!. =[. i think i should just kill myself today.. then it would be easy for everyone to remember the day i died - the same day i was born. but i guess i was in a better mood today partly.. because i got all theese signs put on my locker and balloons from everyone.. and they sang happy birthday to me in like every class. lol .. even though i hate the attention.. i felt good becuase it seems like ppl care- even though i know they dont so thanks for listeningg. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: greenday ` jesus of subrbia |
| 5:38p | andd.. sorry the 2nd update.. but i felt like doingg what hateddrkangel did.. ` hope u dont mind ? i feel .. - unloved unwanted fat ugly hated broken hearted in love dead lost like a waste my moms home.. ill finish laterr |
| 6:48p | Josh's Poem This is a little something I wrote for the love of my life, my boyfriend Josh. I wrote this with the intentions of giving it to him for christmas. I guess more or less its how I feel about him and all that jazz. I think I like it...but I dont know. All opinions are welcome? Tell me if you think he'll like it? Josh's Poem With your arms around me Looking into your eyes I know I could never leave In this moment I know You mean more than everything to me They may be beautiful But they dont mean a thing to me Here we are together in the dark Bring our bodies closer Hold me tightly through the night Your heart id a river And I am drowning in it Now tell me how your feeling I touch your face Tell me what you think Does it bring back a memory Maybe one of you and me A happy time we might of had We can pretend it was so much more Havent seen you in such a long time I've got a hunger for loving you I'll need something charming to say To take your breath away You will look at me and smile I'll laugh because I made you do it You're leaving me soon I might start to cry But dont worry my love I'm just missing you already I'll see you soon I know And this is me kissing you Goodbye is never easy I should just run away with you We could spend our lives together Fading in and out Of what is real And what is not You really do it for me More than anyone else ever could You drive me up, down, and all around I think I kinda like it You would never know By the way i react But I love it when you do that Just something I wanted you to know... Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: Brand New |
| 8:31p | i havent cut in a while and i miss it. i have no razors. nothing that i would usually use to cut. and i want to, just to get the cravings gone. is it wrong to crave cutting? Current Mood:  aggravated |
| 8:58p | I feel like such an idiot.. i was so depressed and figured a hot shower would make me feel better.. yeah.. better.. for a few minutes.. i got yelled at for being in the shower for such a long time.. so i stood up and i was just covered in blood.. i had cuts all over my legs arms stomach and chest.. i'm in so much pain right now.. like it almost unbearable.. like i'm shaking and i feel.. feeble.. *sigh* got progress reports.. all my grades are down and i'm failing one class, a d in the others.. i'm a falure.. i really am.. |
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