Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Time	Event
6:50p	I didn't cut for so long, since a week before Hallowe'en I think. Then the other day- about a week ago I think- I felt so shit and sick and tired of everything, I cut. My father left some weird (but sharp) blade in the bathroom. The trouble with blades is that the cut only ends up deeper at one end, the other end is more scatchy, it really pisses me off. So half the scar is faint and reddish and the other half is like, proper purpley form a deeper cut. I love my scars so it annoys me when they aren't perfect. I cut again on sunday. Everything is just go wrong. It goes over from one side of my wrist to the other- its pretty lonng but not at all deep. Gggrrr. The other day someone posted a link to psyke.org, and these pictures of SI were on there. The people had loads and loads of cuts which weren't very deep all up their arms. Do a lot of people do that? I jsut do one cut when I do it, sometimes two, not laods like they do. I dunno, its weird. I don't lilke those cuts they do, but there you go. It's not like it matters what I think about their cuts, its' them that counts, never mind. I don't really update my journal on here, my livejournal one I do more. www.livejournal.com/users/madraykin_kiss if anyone is interested. I feel pretty shitty, i have done for a while. Oh well Have fun, and be careful. Sophie x x x x Current Mood: sad Current Music: Funeral For A Friend (4 Comments | Comment on this)
8:51p	so im thinking this afternoon. 'wow..this week isnt turning out so bad' that ended fairly quickly. it seems around the same time everynight all these feelings rush into my head. blah. i lasted 3 days. 3 days without cutting! that seems so pathetic in ways. i actually want to stop too. i dont know why i did...i almost missed the fresh cuts. good thing matt didnt check my wrists tonight. he saw my leg though. he seemed so distraught...he just touched them and kept his hand on them like it would make it all go away. my leg is healing quite fast though and i havent cut there in over a week. the thing with me is i dont go very deep. i just continuously cut intil it bleeds, then i'll go over the same place again the next day, along with starting new ones. i really wish i could just stop, i really wish i didnt have such a paranoid mind. at least im not at bad as where i used to be. im just so sick of alot of shit. im sick of being unhappy with myself, im sick of feeling constantly fat that i stop eating although im 110 pounds. im sick of standing at the top of my stairs wishing i had the strenghth to just throw myself down them, then maybe i'll at least hit my head and go into a coma or something! bleh. haha this is me in a pretty decent mood. idk this is just all the shit that went through my head about 2 hours ago. i am feeling better though at least for tonight. on a good note..my semi is friday. im getting my dress tomorrow. FUCK! i love how i JUST realize how i'll be in a sleeveless dress with cuts on my wrist. fuck. maybe i can get away with wearing my wristband. im gunna have to... until next time... Current Mood: bored Current Music: wake me up when september ends- greenday<3 (2 Comments | Comment on this)
9:28p	well... i havent cut in 1 week and 2 days...its not that great of an accomplishemtn cuz i havent and i wanna stop its great because nothing has really had an effect on me to where i wanna cut ! yay! ive been tempted...but idk i jus dont want people seeing then at games, as soon as basketballs over then my wrists are home free!! anyways thought id tell ya what was goin on wiht me, i think part of the reason i havent cut in awhile is cuz i havent seen anyone, i havent been to school for 4 days, i cant stand anyone at school they are so fake... anyways thanks for listening im kinda happy right now, my stepdads hacking his brains out, hes sick ....hopefully he will die... Current Mood: confused Current Music: nobodys home (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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