Sunday, December 12th, 2004

Time	Event
8:26p	My optional use for time is drugs... *normal teenager huh?* being high...makes alot of things go away..for a couple hours..then it all returns...sometimes...hurting less..sometimes hurting more...for me...it hurts more...so I just smoke more...making them disappear longer...running...wanting to be free...away from him, her, them, they, it , she ....me.... it all goes down to me...I hate it I didn't want to be the one in charge..I can't even take care of myself....slices up and down my wrist... screaming in an empty room hoping someone will come knock and make sure Im okey..do they? NO will they? NEVER why? Because.. (( there is no answer as to why most don't care)) all they know how to do is pitty and give all the sympathy and empathy their little bodies can send out, and we are lucky if any of that comes out....so much for my high...there it goes...gone like all my hope....jesus...it happened again..=( Here's another poem I wrote... JUST FOR YOU - The words left forgotten all the words left unsaid makes the pain go deeper than i thought it ever did trying hard to focus on feelings that werent true changing who I was all done just for you I never should've botherd not like you ever cared I want to take it back you were always unfair you tried to make me happy always wanted me to smile the truth was your the one who made me sad you always made me cry no wonder im not really here now, on the inside I've died. (( It's how you make me feel... You know who you are.... )) Anyways let me know what you think...ThanXxX \m/Della\m/ Current Mood: depressed Current Music: happy ending -avril (1 Comment | Comment on this)
9:43p	this is getting hard all of a sudden... so friday night i had a basketball game (one at which i dance at halftimes) so i got done dancing and me and my 2 friends, cassy and maggie decide to go and stay the night at cassies house, everyhting is fine till me n maggie are laying on cass's bed and shes sitting on the chair talkign on the phone and maggie goes, "what happened to ur writst??" i was like the cat did it, shes psycho and shes like " the cat did it? or did you do it?" i was like the cat but i dont think i was too convincing. i hope she forgets about it anyways this weekend was alright friday and saturday cuz i wasnt at home at all but today (sunday) was hell my mom freaking hates me, like seriously we dont talk EVER and when we do, all it is is her accuaing me of being SOO bad or screaming and yelling at me for somehting and my dad, hes another story, liek i mean ive hated him since i can remember but i was just starting to be like okay maybe hes changed and hes notognna be liuke he has been for all these years... but hes starting to act liuke his old self and im REALLY scared... anyways he made up this HUGE lie about me, that i was on the computer ALL day long everyday (whichc is a lie cuz i get on at 9-10 every night and thats about it) then he told my mom that i was on yahoo intstant messageer tlakignt o ALL these guys saying im gonna have sex wiht them,, and i dont know them blah blah blah ...which is ALSO a lie bcuz i HAve a totall of 4 people on my yahoo messenger buddy list...ones my cousin ones my aunt ones my sister and ones myself!!! so that pissed me off so idk i jus feel like everyone hates me, i dont deserve that at all !! whatever fuck them both thanks for listening i had to get shit out layter j nicole Current Mood: angry Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
9:47p	Take the quiz: "What Cutter Fits You Best" From Depression you cut because you hate life and you always get depressed from alot of things and cut to make it all go away Take the quiz: "What self-mutilation emotion sequence are you?" Confusion, Relief, Disturbed eek ek ook Take the quiz: "what are your cuts like?" deep-ish cutting. ok, these cuts usually lead to worse self-harm...as after you get used to the pain...you want to feel more, leading onto greater things. you dont do it for attention, other wise you would probly wouldnt do them as bad. mabye your like me and like to feel the pain and see the blood drip down your arm, you want to feel alive.may also be sucidal. (Comment on this)
10:29p	yeah sry i 4got 2 put the entry in my last 1.lol. things have been going really shitty lately. i just feel so depressed and i cant eat and when i do i just throw it all up. somethings realy wrong and i dont no what 2 do. my friend noticed my wrist and asked what it was. i told her it was my cant and shes like. "omg, it looks horrible, r u gonna put it down?" i didnt think they were that bad. w/e. ok well 4 now im gonna go cuz i need 2 lie down... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: cronic future (Comment on this)

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