Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Time	Event
3:28p	optional, for use on longer entries I felt fine this morning. I swear i did. Took my meds and everything. Left chem. He's nice and let me use his phone to call mommy. She picked me up and I didn't go back for the rest of the day, which is fine by me. I was pretty happy in Latin too... Then next period, gym, I don't know what happened but something did. Mommy keeps on telling me to talk to Lou Ann about that. I don't. I read a few of the entries on here. The one with the long list of things. I really did't cut for such a long time. Only two weeks. But trust me I did just as much damage. About four hours each day. Mommy worked alot. But I got sent to the hospital anyway. After that I still cut. Not often but still. I didn't get my books back 'til april or something. Man, I lived for those books. I was planning suicide(not that anyone knew)... It wasn't over books, I had just grown numb again. I've been numb for so many years... Since, oh God, I don't remember. I think maybe pre-school but, it didnt become evidant ( I think I used the wrong word but i mean noticable) until third grade. I became so quiet. Then, I think this is what threw me over the edge (but it doesn't bother me anymore), my dad, uh, you know, came out. I lashed out at everyone. If anyone came near me I scratched them. Some bled, some didn't. That all subsided. Then I became what I am today. A social outcast of a sort, perhaps. I don't make friends anymore. I'm the one that just sits there during study hall drawing away. I can usually get myself to smile but, today I just couldnt. It took everything I had to force on one for the study hall teacher. She scares me, In fact all teachers scare me except my chem teacher (and every person that passes me in the hall scare me). This has been going on all week and it's getting pretty upsetting. I don't know how to deal with it. Apparently no one else does either. I've even tried talking to the school counsler. I was desperate. She didn't help (when do they ever help?). Sorry I took your time if you're still reading this. Please don't be mad at me. I'll leave. Okay good night.(Does anyone remember who I am?) Current Mood: numb (1 Comment | Comment on this)
3:55p	im just in one of those moods, dont know what to do, and i really really like this guy, but see the problem is he is my best friend and his g.f is a bitch and well i dont know, been upset about that, and he is the reason i dont do drugs anymore and do not cut anymore, so wtf, why stop? and mann i miss my best friend who they sent away. damn i want her here with me for christmas.. i miss her so much, fuck i want to cut Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
6:02p	well today was a much better day.... after me getting totally insecure about my boyfriend it got better...and i didnt cut!!!...So last night my friend lexi told brian i was feeling all insecure..behind my back...and i didnt intent on telling him. So he came up to me and we talked and i found out he was worrying about loseing me and so we made up and just sat there cuddling the rest of the night...talking about great places to have sex haha<3 but i think afew of my friends saw my scars today..the ones that are on my wrist..grrr. hey ill just say it was the cat they cant prove me wrong... but anyways i have wanted to cut so badly its all i think about blood, scars, and ripping skin...how agrivateing.. i just want to rip my skin apart...but i have to risisit
7:19p	hi hi..im new here..ive cut for a while..i think this community can help me because im trying to stop..a lot of my friends are avoiding me because of my cutting..oh yeah im 14 years old..i know a lot of people have worse lives then me..but mine isnt exactly good..anyway..i dont want to say anything else..because i dont want people to hate me by my first post..and usually w/e i say is wrong or something..so yeah..(i only write about the exciting stuff in my life on my blurty because i dont want people to know im depressed..i hide that side of me because i dont want people hating me..yes i know..im weird) p.s. i dont know what ditzy is..but i like the word.. Y A S I Current Mood: ditzy Current Music: ::boulevard of broken dreams:: (1 Comment | Comment on this)
9:21p	AGH!! pray for me, i only have to make it one day with out cutting one day!!( i have a basketball game tomrrow night i have to dance at at halftime) its kinda bad how i dont even think i can make it one day without cutting i cut almost everyday, i thought that i had it under control, but i think i might be addicted to the scars, the ripping of the skin, the blood, the scabs, and the feel of it all, making the other pain subside for awhile i think im going insane, maybe i need help?? but i dont know who to tell, i CANT possibly tell anyone, bcuz as soon as my mom finds out.....shell yell at me and tell me im just doing it for attention ( she does that, blames it on somehting else, so she dosent have to face that shes partly to blame for anyhting) anyways maybe i should tell my health teacher, maybe he can do somehting for me, i kinda trust him, but then again no matter what i do my moms gonna find out and make everyhting worse, but idk i think i really need medicine or somehting, some kind of help, im getting to where i cant control it anymore.....its weird cuz ive been doing it for like 3 years, and ive never felt like i wasnt in control.... oh well i guess i have to deal with it, i dont know why its so bad, i guess everything that helps pain, and is good is somehow "bad" im just not sure anymore ugh so confused!! thanks for listening had to vent j nicole Current Mood: confused Current Music: taking back sunday (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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