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Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:04a | hi hi, i'm new here. i need so badly for someone to talk to, and i used to visit this community just to read a few entries, so i wouldnt feel so alone. ive been cutting for a little over a year now, and over the summer i cut myself so bad with a razorblade i got 8 stitches on my wrist, and my parents found out. my boyfriend never cared too much about me doing this, and my close friend who knew about it got mad at me for doing it. i've lost all my close friends, and i'm pushing my best friend away because i dont want to fight with her anymore, because we just got over a big fight, and all we do is fight. 60% of the times i cut was becasue of her. i just need someone to talk to, i need to not feel so alone. i tried to get an adult that i trust to talk to, because my thoguhts are so bottled up in me, and i'm so alone, and i don't have anyone to talk to. But he just handed me off to a therapist, which hurt. now i'm stuck seeing a therapist and i don't want to. i still cut, and it hurts not to have someone there for me while i'm doing this. i like the support you guys give each other.. i'm hoping i can feel not so alone by posting here. thanks for reading |
| 11:52a | bored 0. Do you cut? Yes. 1. Who do you hide SI from? Everyone,but i dont like hiding it, because I like to see it. 2. Who knows about it? My cousin and my ex boyfriend and my dad but he dont give a shit 3. How long has it been since you last cut? yesterday 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? too many times 5. Where do you usually cut? wrist, arms, torso, hip, legs, ankles 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? my cousin 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? I'm addicted to peeling/picking them 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? yes 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use?bruising 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"?yes 13. What various ways do you use to hide? long sleeves and wrist bands 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? sometimes 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? Yes 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yes 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? e v e r y t h i n g 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? Hurt, 20. What instrument[s] do you use to cut?razor blades, shaving razors, knives, sicissors(sp), sometimes them dull nail files. 21. What causes you to cut? Everything 22. What do you feel afterwards?Relieved 23. What is your closest Close Call? I almost hit a vein n 1 time I hit a nerve and passed out. 24. How long have you been doing it? 2 years 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? sometimes 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? yes 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? nope... 28. Are your parents divorced? no but they should be Are you a boy/girl?: Female Age: 15 Age you began to cut: 13 Does anyone know you cut? not really...except my cousin cause I stay with her alot n my ex boyfriend Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s)? My dad does but he dont give a shit... Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? yes Do you think that you are depressed? Yes I am Do you think you have anxiety problems? Yes I am Do you have any other disorders?Yes Do you have an eating disorder? I dont think so Are you on meds? Yes Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt? Yes 6 times Have you tried to commit suicide? yes How?driving on the highway with my cousin n made her pull over and than tried 2 jump off,pills, hanging but had no where that I could hang, slitting my wrists Does anyone know that you tried? nope just my cousin n my ex Do you do drugs? nope Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? I think its great Do you wish you could stop? sometimes What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? they are impossible to describe When you cut does it hurt? just enough Do you bandage your cuts? no not usually Where do you most normally cut? wrists, arms, torsos, hips, ankles Are you alone? terribly Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? I like razorblades What have you used to injure yourself? everything How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? yes they're a part of who I am Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? nope I am very good at hiding them. Have you ever cut too deep? a few times Do you go to therapy? no Do you have trust issues? yes Current Mood:  bored |
| 2:45p | ahh I just got home from a week of being in the hospital... it was the worst experience of my whole life! Current Mood: boredCurrent Music: Bathwater- no doubt |
| 5:26p | ...i'm worthless and i mean nothing... so i called mike to see how he was and if he was mad at me and he wasn't. he just has basketball so thats why he's been busy but also cause he has a new girl, Lindsay. :'( obviously i meant nothing if he is going to replace me within less than 10 days. he kept askin me if i had a b/f and i told him its none of your business (i don't) and i was like do you have a g/f and he's like ya her name is lindsay and shes 16, shes 5'5, 110lbs, black hair and brown eyes and i was like ok. and then he was like i went to the movies last night with lindsay, i got my license and at least she goes cause she likes movies (i never liked goin to movies-waste of $ and i dont want to watch a movie, i want to be w/ my b.f.) so then i was like WHATEVER I DONT FUCKING CARE. he's like someones jealous and i was like no i just dont want to be compared to lindsay. i'm me, not lindsay. and then i said i didnt want to talk to him anymore and i hung up. now i'm balling my eyes out and i feel like shit. i wanna just go for a drive and calm myself down. maybe to work to get some ice cream (good comfort food). im worthless and i am here for no reason. i wanna cut so bad...the urge is almost unbearable. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: ...my heart shattering to pieces... |
| 5:36p | omg everything is so fucked up. jeff is being so fucking weird. i dont not understand him at all. he wont even fucking talk 2 me and its making me feel like shit. i dont want him 2 b mad at me, i miss him soo much. i dont no what the fuck is goin on. hes like mad at me or something. i dont even no. im so confused. i feel like every1 in the world hates me. y the fuck am i here? i feel a panic attack comming on... i need 2 cut... Current Mood:  distressed |
| 7:39p | fuuuuuuuuuuuck that well i cut today. i was in fourth hour and just not feeling like being there. i was mad at myself for letting my A- in math go to a C+ and all my other good grades go to F's. I cut three lines on my forarm. i couldnt go as deep or as much as i wanted to just becase that was an obvious place so i slashed up my leg when i was done with my arm. i dont know i guess i just really missed cutting so much so i did it. it was a really fucking stupid idea, obviously it came from my head because i forgot that the next hour was gym and we have swimming for the next two weeks. fuckin retard. course i got stares. and giggles and comments. this one stupid bitch was like..DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE. ........ cat? dont have one. damn. oh well. i cut because my mom is out of town til monday so the arm thing really didnt matter. she wouldnt see it until tuesday and it will be healed and alot easier to cover up by then. go me. school is so stressfull holy fuck i have so much shit to do. this paper that im writting on gay marriage was due last friday but i couldnt get it looked at until today then i have to make corrections tomorrow and turn it in almost a week late. wtf. i just wanna get it done. my boyfriend is coming over soon im excited. i miss him like crazy. hes so cute :) i have nothing else to say. i want to get out of here. i need a vacation i am going to go nuts tomorow. i really think that if i go to school tomorrow i will fucking snap. like crazy snap. i cant stand it here anymore i want to go back to where i belong. thats not here. :( Current Mood:  crankyCurrent Music: d.fjbvaiefu oops |
| 9:36p | idk looked like fun... 0. Do you cut? Yes 1. Who do you hide SI from? Everyone, 2. Who knows about it? not a sole 3. How long has it been since you last cut? 3 days ago 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? a few 5. Where do you usually cut? wrists, thighs, ankles 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? no one 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? ya i like to itch them till they come off and bleed more 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? yes, but i hate the fact i have to hide them 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use? bruising, burning 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"?yes 13. What various ways do you use to hide? long sleeves and wrist bands, bracelets, ribbons 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? most of the time with makeup 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? Nope 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yea, in p.e. and at dance practice 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? takes away pain inside , even if its for only a little while 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? not really, a few punk ones but not anyhting specific 20. What instrument[s] do you use to cut? scissors, razors, knives, whatever i can find thats sharp if im not home 21. What causes you to cut? stuff with school, my mom, my friends, my dad, my sisters, my ex bf, and well everyhting 22. What do you feel afterwards? Relieved, less stressed 23. What is your closest Close Call? i hit a vein and passed out, luckily i woke up tho, in the morning. 24. How long have you been doing it? 3 years 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag?ya my bookbag 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? nope, prolly needed to tho a few times 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? nope... 28. Are your parents divorced? no but they should be Are you a boy/girl?: Female Age: 16 Age you began to cut: 13 Does anyone know you cut? nope Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s)? my mom questioned me about it once, but i denied it Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? yes Do you think that you are depressed? deff. Do you think you have anxiety problems? yep i know i do Do you have any other disorders? no Do you have an eating disorder? nope Are you on meds? not for any of this shit... Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt? nope Have you tried to commit suicide? yes How? pills, cutting deep Does anyone know that you tried? my mom knows about one time a looong time ago Do you do drugs? no Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? I think its great, helps alot Do you wish you could stop? sometimes What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? leading up to-bad during-wondeful, cant describe the immense feling of relief, after- regret and curiosity When you cut does it hurt? yes, but i love the pain, thats what i do it for right?? Do you bandage your cuts? nope Where do you most normally cut? wrists, thighs, ankles Are you alone? too much, way too much Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? razorblades, everyday What have you used to injure yourself? anything i can find to cut or bruise or burn me How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? yea they're a part of who I am, my story Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? only my mom asked one time, i told her the cat did it, and she belived me, other than that no one has cuz i keeo them hidden Have you ever cut too deep? depends on the deffenition of too deep, my opinoin no, i could never cut too deep Do you go to therapy? no Do you have trust issues? too many Current Mood: crushed |
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