Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

Time	Event
12:30a	well ive been so convinced that im so strong in my head. and ive kept fighting everything off and saying that im better and blahblah. well im not. im so fucking weak and its unbeleiveable. tonight. idk what happened. i thought about the stupid ex...and how i miss everything..so i started crying and crying and then i made myself throw up. its not like a balemic thing or whatever. its just. whenever i get really upset or something ill make myself throw up. and no one knows. except for anything who bothers to read this. but im going to die. and im looking forward to it suicide looks prettier (2 Comments | Comment on this)
7:56a	oh the loveliness of life hello dearies, i hope you all are getting along ok. i have been without internet access for a long time, dang, it's such a frickin pain. i haven't cut for one month, one week, 2 days. i also haven't been eating. i'm not anorexic or bulimic or anything, but i decided to do a week of eating barely anything, i'm 3 days into it. the last meal i had was sunday afternoon, but i made myself throw it up. i just hope i lose some weight, i need to. i miss tony *cries* (Comment on this)
8:20p	ok so im really upset right now. i could just be being insecure but my boyfriend has been ignoring me lately and he hasnt called in afew nights...and hes one of those people who calls every night....so im starting to get worried that he is going to break up with me....i just want to be near him right now...::sigh:: i want to cut really bad but i cant because i have to stop. why cant he just fucking call..or for that matter notice im here!!! maybe its just me idk im so messed up right now... Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
8:56p	so i got an email on my school acount from my nurse it was sent 2 days ago but yeah forst time i checked it and it said to see her as soon as possible this makes me nervous cuz our nurses r basically our guidence councilors cuz our school doesnt have guidence councilors. So the nurse emaisl me and as i was reading it i knew it was this im going tommarow but idk im really really scared cuz i dont trust people and adults i dont trust even more so i dont wanna say ne thing and i dont wanna break down in the nurses office but idk what to do i mean my school is really small if i dont go to her i kno she'll track me down so i have to see her no matter what but im jsut so nervous liek what do u say to like a nurse. i dont want to " ruin" xmass again this year liek a saposidly did last year cuz i cut and apparently went phyco as my parents said but its nto my fault this time if they find out or w.e the nurse is amking me go but yeah mayb if im really lucky i just idk i cant think of another reason i would go to the nurse but w/e it would be i hope its that ~ redd ~ P.S. when i find out who told im so gonna kick there ass idc if i get suspended! Current Mood: nervous Current Music: CKY - close yet far (1 Comment | Comment on this)
9:19p	hohum WELL its been 3 days since saturday when me and my ex fucked and still no phone call....hm...well this sucks major ass... so im done with him and everything its not worth it im reading a book called "cut" by patricia mccormick, well i read a it, i finished it in a couple of hours...it was alright the girl was in an institution for cutting and other girls with disorders were there, it was alright, kinda plainly said nothing really exciting happend....and idk she didnt even cut at all very much, i was like wow i cut more than she does and shes in the hospital, it didnt makes sence so dont wste ur time reading it and one more thing lol, we dissected a worm in biology today and my parters name is tlyer and i was cutting random stuff with the scalpel, and i was like "wow this is realy sharp, hmmm" and i didnt know that i said it outloud, and hes like ya ?! and was like immitating cutting his wrist with it, he was like ya freakin phycho.... i was like uhm...idk i didnt know what to say, so i stabben the scalpel into the desk and i walked away, lol he was speechless then, idk i couldnt take the ridiclue, i mean its not like he knows or anyhitng cuz no one does but still, it pissed me off so i was like ugh... anyways my cuts are all scabben over from sunday, finally stopped bleeding, now they starting to itch tho, tommrow ill be scratching all day long, oh well that just mean i can cut again on the same wrist in a few days cuz it wont be so sore... but ya thanks for listening... j nicole Current Mood: confused Current Music: something corpoate-space (3 Comments | Comment on this)

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