Sunday, December 5th, 2004

Time	Event
2:27a	This is weezer18. Made a new journal. I think I'm seriously losing it. I don't want anything to get worse than it already is. I keep a journal of memories I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe I fall to pieces, I'm falling Fell to pieces and I'm still falling -Velvet Revolver "Fall to Pieces" Current Mood: shocked (2 Comments | Comment on this)
9:14a	So...back to square one then... I haven't cut for about 3 months, except for once, but it was nothing, didn't break the surface at all. But on saturday I did. I broke up with my bf about a month ago, maybe less. I know he wasn't happy but I didn't know why. I thought it was his ex-gf, turns out it was. He said he wanted to be friends for a while, I thought it might end up ok again. Hah. They are now back together, and I feel like shit. I always knew he still wanted her. Oh, and my mum had had to take 6 weeks off work cos my nan, her mum has cancer and she can't cope so she drinks every day, way too much. It doesn't make her aggressive or anything, but it's still bad. My nan has 2/3 weeks to live. So maybe she might go just before Christmas. Adam said I should be angry at him, it will make it easier for me, but I can't be, I care too much about him and I love him even though he did this. I just want to hold him :( I don't know what to do. I hate telling people things like this too, cos I feel like all my dignity and pride is gone. Hah, I'm such a twat. Sophie x x Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Pictures of You- The Cure (5 Comments | Comment on this)
2:01p	ok, so i have also lost it. last night i felt the need to hurt myself. to do something to relief my tension. i didnt cut- good?? NO. i did something a lot worse than cutting. i pulled out a chunk of hair right up front. so i cant cover it up with other hair. i just needed to pull my hair. i couldnt stand it it seemed. befroe that i was wristbanging, now i have two bruises on my right wrist. i told my sister this morning that i pulled my hair. cuz she asked why i was wearing a hat on a hot day. but i'm sure if my mom finds out, she'll loose it. she will certainly put me in the hospital. i guess it would be easier though. then i wouldnt have to wear a hat everyday, or wear long sleeve shirts, or come up with excuses for my scars, my bald spot, and for my behaviour. my sister was just like- U got to think about the conscequences! ...oh i wish it was stronger in my head. but i wasnt thinking straight last night. i went crazy!! and the worse part is, i was able to sleep after wards, which means it actaully worked, pulling out my hari, to soothe me. ok i have to get to work on my school project. Current Mood: drained Current Music: tonight tonight- smashing pumpkins (2 Comments | Comment on this)
6:38p	i had another black out. i was in the bathroom just staring at myself in the mirror and then all of a sudden i was on the floor with about 20 cuts all over. i wish those blackouts would stop. i wake up with some of the worst feelings and i hate it. one of these times something bad is gonna happen, i no it. do u guys no what they r and if so, how do u stop them? yeah this entry is short. ttyl... Current Mood: crazy Current Music: korn (3 Comments | Comment on this)
9:42p	SO close to being caught... alright so first i should tell u about my night last night to tell you why i cut in the first place last night all my friends were with thier boyfriends, an i, being the one with no bf, i was fully intending to stay home, watch a movie, and go to bed early then my ex calls about 8 oclock and was like wanna go hang out wiht me? and i was like hm.....well i guess so sure so he comes and gets me and we drive around and tlak and one thing led to another....and we had sex, and it was alright and everything, well the sex was great but, i felt like shit and like a slut cuz hes not even my bf anymore... anyways so stuff happend and i was like "this isnt gonna be one of those things where we dont tlak for a week is it?? and he was like no i hop not....i was like alright... so then today he never called me one fucking time not once! i was like wow...last night meant a lot to you didnt it! and today was just UGH...everyone got on my nereves and i thought about alot of stuff and idk i just lost it earlier i went to show my mom my drawing i had to do for art class, (i was fishing for compliments so i could maybe feel better) but she was on the phone so she said she would look at it later and so while i was thinking about my day, and cutting...i was sitting in the middle of my floor and jus cutting awaty at my wrist i heard my mom walking up the stairs...so i hurried up and threw the towel i was wiping my blood off of it with, and my razor blade under my bed, and she goes what are u hiding i heard u hurry up and do something, i was like uhm nothing, and she was like alright lemme see ur drawing and i was like ok so i hurried up and got it off my bed with my right hand and hid my left one behind my back, and then i sat on my bed and put my arm behind my blanket on my bad, and she sat there and looked at it and was like this is really good blah blah started talking to me about some other stuff and then she finally left i was like whew!! and then i looked and i had a huge stain of blood on my blanket, l like huge and it was a lot of blood i could feel my arm going numb from loss of blood and shit and it would bnit stop bleeding for shit...and so then i help my towel over it and just laid on my bed and i wasnt looking and it freaking bled through my towel and got blood al over my white hulk sheets lol and i jus hope it dosent stain too much, anyways this was like 5 hours ago and its still soaking wet from the blood...thats how bad it was anyways thanks for listening i had to vent <3 j nicole Current Mood: depressed Current Music: the early november-untitled (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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