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Saturday, December 4th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 11:29a | I didnt exactly cut last night, I did scrach myself with a safty pin though... Hmm... I dont know anymore... tee-hee One good thing is I get to get away from everything and go to a concert tonight. Skywynd and Down and Above are performing so Ill be happy later! -Aimee Kendra Lynn Current Mood:  stressedCurrent Music: Skywynd |
| 1:13p | hm.. I just wanted to say I'm not ok but :/ I don't want my friends to know this but one of them sees auras and so, she knows I'm not fine and shit, I just don't know what to answer when she asks - what's wrong? Goddamnit, I don't want to feel guilty just cuz I'm not OK. And what would it change if my friends would know all this shit bout me? Nothing, cuz actually I really doubt that they care :/ lately, I'm just feeling so fuckin' lonely and the worst thing is that... I'm not even sorry bout this. I guess I've became so numb :( huh, it is sad! I SHOULD care, but I can't. Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: Radiohead - Just |
| 4:38p | ah, im really tired today. like ive been sleeping all day. i feel exhausted. yesterday was weird, cos i saw matt and he was, i guess, in one of his good moods. so when he saw me he was like "i want a hug" and i was like "no, you ignore me" and we started argueing, how im the one who ignores him, not the other way around. im just like "whatever, youre not getting your way. you piss me off". so he rode off. and when he left, i kind of felt bad, cos i love that kid. even tho i hate the things he does and says. but yeah. im supposed to go running tonight. burn off all the calories i ate today. ew. im doing VERY good with cutting. i havent done it, in a long time. and i almost picked up my razor, but i was just like "NOO i cant do this!" so i went to sleep instead.=] im doing so much better. for the past couple days, ive been in a good mood.. and im laughing more, instead of crying. thats always good , right? |
| 6:49p | i called mike. i miss him a lot. why did i break up with him? i know i need help. i'm scared. what will they think? will i get sent away? i want to cut. i can't. i dont' want to be in a hospital. hospitals scare me. <3 much love <3 -:|:-nae nae-:|:- |
| 7:01p | Just thinking "How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me" simple plan untitled Thats how I feel tonight. Its weird. All my hopes and shit just died tonight. I died tonight. There is no reason for me to be happy anymore. Thomas and I stopped talking its as if he don't want to be near me anymore. Laura fuckin dropped me after she got married, as if I didn't exist in her life. All I have is Jessi and it seems like she is changing too. I don't know. What if its all in my head? Last weekend at the bowling ally some guys threw rocks at me while I was trying to call my dad. They were making fat jokes and callin me tubby. That helped my self esteem. I've always known I was fat and didn't give a shit. But its gotten worse. Even my little brother who is taller then me and way skinnier told me that he wished I weighed 70 pounds lesser. Thanks bub love ya too. I hate it here. I can't wait till after I graduate. Less then 8 or so months I will be out of the hell for good. I'm thinking about moving to portsmouth like my sister did. She is doing great down there, going to school and getting a job. Maybe thats what I need to do. Who knows, who even cares. Guess not the people around me..... Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: Untitled~Simple Plan |
| 9:44p | ok i have learned not to trust fucking teachers. This was my day thursday and friday. I felt I needed to tell someone besides my parents about my cutting so I felt that I could trust my teacher cause outta all my teachers she's the closest to my age. Ok so I tell her that I cut but it's under control rite. and anyone that noes me noes that I have a serious issue with trusting people and I told her this. So friday comes and I get called into the guidance office. Apparantly my teacher told my vice principal and she told my guidance councelor and she called me in to talk about how if my family situation isn't wrking out that we can remove me from it and i desperatly wanted to shout u noe whut fuck you okay i only wanted to tell me teacher cause i trusted her and i don't want all u ppl to noe cause all you care about is getting psycologists in to do studies on me and shit but w/e i jus said no that my family situation was perfectly fine and i was happy where i was, so ya my trust for teachers is completely shot. And now as I'm typing this my jerk of a friend Chris is telling me that if i stopped cutting then i wouldn't have secrets to keep and that I wouldn't hafta wry about this and to not trust teachers at all cause they are by law obligated to tell someone if sumthing is wrong with their students. FUCK! He doesn't understand my situation. No one does except for eveyone in here. Current Mood: aggravatedCurrent Music: Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan |
| 9:48p | Sorry for my rambelings agian in the same night So here I am still....waiting for jessi. She's out w/ Laura....go figure. We were suppost to go somewhere but its like she didn't care. Like wtf just forget about your other friends who need you. But she is intitled to be w/ others while I sit here and break down. I need to make new friends. If I can in the shitty place I live in. No one understands how hard it is to be happy, to act that to be honest. I need my razor....I wanna cut. Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: Forget It~Breaking Benjamin |
| 11:01p | i have nothing to say; depression is really getting to me. my razors look so harmless and useless and unhelpful. i look at myself and i dont see a person. i see a feeling. a hurt, lost, depressed, stupid, dumb,numb, fat, feeling. i feel like my life is already at an end. and that ending it wont make a difference. only for those ppl around me. i might as well be locked up, where my feelings can be expressed safely where it doesnt surprise anybody or hurt anybody. Question for everybody- What quote most describe who you are or what you are feeling?? this is mine- ok i'm gonna cheat, i'm gonna put two- *behind every beautiful thing, theres pain* *My blood is my paint, my razor is my paintbrush, and my flesh is my canvas* Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Be my little baby- oldiess |
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