Friday, November 26th, 2004

Time	Event
4:16p	well, idk anymore, i just feel so....numb its like im just floating through my days like a zombie, i dont even remeber half of the stuff i do or say anymore, im like always in a daze, i think im going insane my friends are blowing me off....looks liek im gonna be doing NOTHING this WHOLE fucking thanksgiving break... everyone has bfs so im always stuck doing somehitng with my lame friends who i dont really like or im stuck at home.... i cut bad...like 25 cuts, pretty deep on my left wrist...it was so pretty.... like a red red waterfall, bloody tears running down my wrist, and i was fixated.... i deffanately got blood all over my gmas white carpet in her basement....took me forever to clean it up i didnt even notice it was dripping off.. ANYways....it still hurts today...which i love! but i dont have any more room on my wrist to cut anymore...and thats my favorite place to cut, cuz i have to cut deep for it to bleed....cuz my wrists dont bleed to much....so its sooo good....but idk life is so shitty right now... ugh reply or im me XxAdiiCTeD2uxX layter, j-nicole Current Mood: numb Current Music: chicago is so two years ago--fall out boy (Comment on this)
6:42p	starrs mad at me. because the whole "suicidal", bipolar, cutter, eating disordered thing came up.. and shes like "why are you so depressed?" and she was like "so the happy person i like to hang out with is fake?" and im like no, just the depressing side takes over pretty much all the time. so when i am "happy" or seem content, im "faking" it, so i dont bring down my friends. i dont think thats a wrong thing to do. i just dont want to bring any of my friends down. i dont want them to hurt. but hokay. i miss my moonie. =-[ (2 Comments | Comment on this)
7:39p	last night i had a breakdown, i was talking to erica, mariana was asleep at the foot of the couch, and we started talking about how we felt we didnt belong to some things, belonged to others, and i said thta i never had a solid gourp of friends to fall back on, never had a house that i felt i belonged to, never had a room that was "mine". i never had a boyfriend. all my life i was just floating along. and i explained to her that i think that this is the reason why i obsess over guys so easily, cuz it makes me think that once i have a bf, my life will be perfect. that he will always be there for me and everything. but thats not true, and i know it. and thats also why i hang on to my razorblade so tightly that it cuts my hand open. cutting is my solid truth. something taht grounds me. keeping me from going insane. or from staying sane. maybe feeling sane is really what other ppl consider insane. i dunno. and i started crying cuz i felt so depressed. it felt nice to be hugged by a friend again. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Psycho- System of a Down (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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