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Monday, November 22nd, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:00a | i just had a fight with my mother last night. it was really bad. i was doing the dishes and i accidently rolled up my sleeve. and b4 i realized it my mother said "what the fuck is that on ur arm?" she started screaming at me and then the threw a plate at me and it shattered all over. my feet got all cut up and there was pieces of glass stuck in them. she first found out that i did it last year and i told her that i stopped and she believed me. but now im in really big trouble. she asked me how long i have really been doing it and i told her that i had just started the first time she found out.(which was by my gym teacher telling my school counslor and calling my mom) and i have really been doing it 4 almost 4 years now. the bruise on my eye has almost faded and the 2 gashes on my lip are almost healed from that horrible night. every time i look in the mirror it reminds me of it. i hate it. i feel like i need 2 cut all the time. everytime i start i dont stop, i cant stop. it really scares me sometimes. so now im gonna go try 2 imagine that everything is all good and that i have no problems... Current Mood:  depressed |
| 12:15a | Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I've found my self posting in here. I still read, i dont comment as much as i used to ( i'm sorry ) But bleh... i suppose due to my lack of sleep, and not being able to, i figured, what the hell, i've nothing better to do, i'll let them know i'm still alive ( for better or for worse ) even though no one knows me, due to everyone being so new. I certainly do feel old... or something, i've been 'posting' in this group for almost a year now, ah the memories, me and my famous one liners " i hate myself" or ... well i guess that was pretty much it i dont know, i've done my fair share of ranting in the past, perchance i shall start up the tradion once more, as i've said many a time, but this time, mayble i'll mean it, and why not? beucase i'm lazy anyway, i'm done making an ass out of myself for now, just remember everyone, stay strong, death may set us free, but the foods not as good |
| 12:23a | I've just been hit with a realization, i've nothing better to do, so i'll just rant now (nothing speical, just random stuff) Isent it increadale how one minute your life can be horrible, and then all of a sudden things can turn around... too bad that sorta thing never happens to me. Thats right everyone, i'm still in shitville in my mind. And it doesnt look like i'm going to be leaving any time soon. I hate myself, and things would be better if i just left. Well, now that the normals out of the way... This weekend has been blah... Went to my grandpas, where i recorded some songs for a cd that hes ging to be giving to alot of people, this way, not only will my family be able to laugh at me, random stangers taht i've never met before will also be able to say "wow, what the fuck is this, was he dieing when he sang this?" Such a waste of time, thens theres normai family things, lets not go there... Anyway, on an almost brighter side, i now, am the proud owner, of a double bass pedal. For those of you who dont know what this is... just listen to any dream theatre or as i lay dieing cd, its what i like to call.. beautiful. And while i cant yet play it, i'll work on it, ( and despite how much i work at it, chances are i wont be good at it, but hey, its something to do, beucase we all know i'm not doing enough... right? fuck As you all know, this fall has been somewhat hecktic... well, its no longer fall, its winter, so here it is, my new schedual for the winter (not that it matters) Winter Schedual Monday - Winter Track Practice Tuesday - Bowling Practice Wednesday - Winter Track Practice Thursday - Work Friday - Bowling Practice Saturday - Track meets / Bowling Matches / Work Sunday - Work I dont know what days i'm going to be working after practice, but it might be everyday, after practice, but i dont know which days yet, that'll come later Also, random groups i'm in - F.B.L.A. - Froensics - Band - Chours I'm sure theres other things that are going to get thrown in there, but eh well also, from now untill i graduate, i'm looking to set some goals as quoted by my cross country coach, when for some reason he gave a speach about me at the banquet "We have a youn man on the team, who when he sets goals, hes not going to let anything stand in his way, at the beggining of the season, he set a goal, that he was going to run faster than 22 min. The first race he ran was around 27 to 28. The last race of the season you would have thought he got first place with how happy he was, when he did indeed break 22." - 21:21 was my final, for any of you who are all to curious such as myself ( such a horrible time, i suck) he said other things, but thats the part that goes along with this entry So some goals... lets see - Stay Organized - Not Fail Wow... some... great goals?? Whatever, i dont know, i'll think of more or something... ((notice, to stay alive is no where on that list)) Wow, this update is kinda long, or, just spaced out to look long rather, eh well... **shoots self** nothing like seeing your brains splattered agesnt the wall... i mean... flowers... yes Who can tell how great of a weekend i'm having... anyone... ANYone... ANYONE!!... **looks around** **noitces that i'm alone** fuck i'm done.... song of the moment - the way i feel thought of the day - the world without me (it was nice) quote of the moment "i enjoy how the only reason i sit here is to make everyone feel better about themselfs, and how no one where really likes me" "what" "what? oh nothing" "dont make me stab you with my fork" "i wouldnt stop you" **turns the other way** |
| 2:09a | i want OFF of this seesaw i don't know exactly when it started, i guess its been a couple months, but i've been alternating between being really depressed and suicidal, and being very hyper and cheerful, bouncing off walls. it's fun to be hyper, it's fun to be anything besides suicidal, but the crashes are hell. i'm thinking this has gone on long enough. the whole depression thing. around 5 years now, on and off. how long's it been for everyone else? i hate going to bed. that's why i stay up so late. i hate lying in bed crying myself to sleep. today i just was lying in bed, just holding a razor blade. I didn't cut, but just holding the blade made me feel better. 3 weeks 3 days without cutting. Of course i can't get along without some sort of pain, so i bruise my arm and stick needles into my fingers. my mom saw part of my arm once, an almost gone bruise. I said it was from fighting with my brothers, she beleived me, i fight with them a lot. but i was so nervous. i'm sick of my thoughts. i just want to blow my brains out, stop them. but i won't. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: "silver and cold"-afi |
| 12:08p | How can I not be afraid 2 do it?... Hi I'm a new member n I just joined this community. I am 15 years old. I never cut be4 but I am tired with life n I cant put up with this shit anymore n the way u describe it cutting relieves all ur problems, like use say after use cut all the pain goes away n thats what I need n I wanna do it(not 4 attention) but 2 make all my problems go away, life sucks so bad, nuttin goes right in life n its not fair. Anyway about the cutting, I wanna do it but I am too scared 2, any1 have any ideas on how to overcome my fear? Thanx 2 any 1 who can help. Current Mood: depressed |
| 3:52p | when im with you i feel like i could die and that would be alright. those words keep playing over and over again in my head. and all i want to do is cut right now, but i dont have anything. and im sick of scratching, because it doesnt help at all. everyone i promised would kill me. especially hugh. i can hear his voice over and over again in my head telling me not to do it.. but i dont think i can listen to him this time... |
| 4:30p | Woo Hoo I am proud of myself... I havent cut in 3 days. I really thought I was gonna the other day. My best friend and soul mate Amanda found out. She didnt react the way I thought she was going to. Rather than freak out and yell at me she talked to me about it. Asked me what it felt like, how it helped me, what I used, why I used that, why I did it... just stuff no one eles thinks about asking. I love her so much. I am also happy too... I love this boi whos name is Jamie. Hes got a widows peak and teeth like a vampire. He new I liked him and all. So he comes over to Abby's house, cos she called him, to watch a movie. Well while the trailers for other movies were going I was laying on him(my head on a pillow in his lap). Well he was playing with my hair and put his hand uner me and on the other side on my neck. Next thing I know he bent down, gave me a kiss on the cheek and bit me! Thats what I wanted the whole time, was for him to bite me! Well then he rubed where he bit me and kept his hand there because he felt bad cos he though he bit me to hard... when he didnt. Anyways then he was rubbing my cheek and stuff and put his finger through my silver ball neckalace and pulle dme down to him and started to kiss me. I was so happy!!! -Aimee Kendra Lynn WELL... THAT ALL JUST DISAPEARD BECAUSE I'M A STUPID FUCKING BITCH WHO CANT READ OR REMEMBER TO CHANGE THE DAMN THING TO WHERE THIS WILL BE POSTED!!!! NOW DARRIN IS GOING TO READ IT AND BE PISSED OFF! FUCK ME RUNNING!!!! GOD! Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: Anything by Marilyn Manson or Evanescence |
| 4:37p | well i cut again... i know i said i was going to stop but its just to hard and i really dont want to stop. And i promised my boyfriend i would...so ill have to do something about that because i dont like hurting him. Hes so great to me im just not used to haveing such a great boyfriend. My ex was emotionally abusive to me and i dated him for a year. And now that i have such a wonderful boyfriend who was my best friend for a good 2-3 years before and i just dont know how to handel it. blahhh and so i cut real deep and it wont stop bleeding..i hope i dont have to get stitches so thats my little story... myabe ill call my boyfriend and get my mind off cutting Current Mood:  apathetic |
| 7:37p | "Deep and Confusing Dreams"By:Hillary T. Many nights are spent Depressed and in agony Starring at walls and ceilings And trying to figure out Where the pictures and patterns Came from, Why they are there and when they will go away Tossing and Turning Thinking and learning Days turn to night and all seems to be Going right, then the sunrise comes As the moons drums The pictures and patterns come back And things get worse As a bat comes flying thru the window And fly's out again This pain that we bare seems so unfare As we shrink out of sight And leave no trace of delight The might that we once had in now all gone And eventually we will end in despare. I found this and thought maybe some of ya'll could relate to it...i know i could....n e wayz enjoy |
| 7:47p | hello, so i just thought i would update. The girl i thought i liked, turned out she hadn't dropped her lieing habbit , i'd thought she grew out of it, but i guess i was wronge. But on a bright side the guy i like and have for so so long.. is no single again, and while he was going out wiht one of ym best friends, he told me i was his best friend and he cared a/b me so much :)... it made me so happy, but i knew he dnd't leikl me cuz he was like kinda hidding our friendship... but now he isn't and he is tlakign to em, allt he time , i love it an di still love him .. it makes me so excited, and he makes em forget that i am sad, but i know if i get to wrapped into that we might get together again , then hes gonna crush me.. but its so hard not to , and everything is great wiht him til' he asks me how i am, and he always says "really tell the truth how are you doing"... and hes one of the two peoepl that can see through me and no i am lieing .... and then he tries to get em to talk to him a/ stuff but i just can't ... he wants to help so bad.. but i can't trust him with all my feelings.. he tries to help .. but him knowing things a/b me makes me very uncomfortable. ***comment on to how i can get him not to ask how i am liek let him know thta i dont' want to talk a/b that kinda stuff with out hurting him, cuz he jsut wants to help, thanks in advance**** well i went on a 4 day trip, it was pretty crappy.. i wanted to cutt so bad.. cuz no one talked ot ema nd sjtu yelled at eachother, i went wiht ym friends family, i felt very out of place. when i got home i cut really really deep, its still bleeding and i did it last night... it bled a lil bit threw my big bandage job i put on it with the dressign and all that and a bit onto my pants at school... but lucky no oen noticed. my dog was put down, my mom did it whiel i was away so i din't even ge tot say bye:(.... my mom has been really good in not drinking or doign pot latley, so she hasn't hurt me in awhile.. now she sjut ignores me completely ,and is never home. which is fine with me .... Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: Yesterdays feelings-the used |
| 7:48p | i was trying so hard to stop cutting...i didn't cut for A DAY. how sad is that?? i can't stop!! this is ridiculous! tonight i cut three lines on my arm and a star on my hip...the star is bleeding like crazy but i love it...god, i'm so tired of this! so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick Current Mood: annoyed |
| 7:50p | There was a time when I had stopped--about 2 months or so when I hadn't done it at all. But now...now I'm back and they're deeper and longer than before. And m'scared that someone's going to find out... I don't want anyone to find out that I started again, m'too afraid of their reactions. I don't even want to tell my therapyst. And I just don't know what to do anymore. Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: HIM--"Razorblade Kiss" |
| 7:55p | hoohumm well i cut...again... and it would be okay about the whole im goign to florida thing...cuz it would heal for the most part in a month and a half.. but...ive got MONO....ugh and i have to go to the doctor and get blood taken out of my vein in my arm (i dont mimber what that is called) and they are bound to see the scars on my wrist when they go to take the blood...and ill be ruined....oh my god im so scared i cut bcuz i told my ex (who is by the way one of my BEST friends) that i hate him, hes a jerk, i never wanna talk to him, i dont want to be his friend, blah blah ect...and i DEFF feel horrible about it...i went up to my room and thought about how ive lost one of the most important people in my life, all bcuz im a selfish little bitch... idk tlakt o me if u want... xxadiicted2uxx Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: underoath-short of daybreak |
| 9:58p | Im nothing but a FAKE!!!! Its funny. Tonight I realized that all I ever do is fake. I go to school and put on this smile... when all I am is screaming inside, I go to CHURCH and act like I love everyone... when all I am is angry at them. I dont want anyone to find out about me cutting so I fake everything. I dont think i know how to be real anymore. My little not cutting thing is over. Tonight someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I said be a phyciatrist(sorry about spelling). They said I could do it and the whole time I was screamin inside because I know I cant and I dont want to let all of these people down. There is so much pressure and everyone expects me to be superman and handle everything by myself. I have so many walls to get over and right now all I am doing is smashing into them. I cut myself really deep this time. Darrin called because I was stupid and didnt change the thing so I ended up posting the journal entry for here on my blurty page(the one he reads). He's telling me that he read the entry and I was like which one and hes like all of them... so he knows Im a cutter and I told him I hadn't been doing it lately... which wasnt a lie. Well I let him down because he said that if I loved him and really cared, I wouldnt cut myself. If he loved me wouldn't he understand? Amanda did! I dont know... It really hurts... but I am finding that I like my cuts. They are perfect in length and lined up perfect... they are everything that Im not. And I want to go into Phycology???? I wouldnt send my kid to me... would you??? didnt think so.... but Im done I suppose. -Aimee Kendra Lynn Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: D&A- Worst Winter |
| 10:40p | UH OH I think I'm in trouble. I didnt mean to but i just got blood on the carpet and my youth group leader is going to be really mad at me! Oh well... Im content right no so im not gonna try to bring me down! Is it bad if it wont stop bleeding? Tee Hee Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: D&A |
| 11:40p | Read! This is to everyone who I will be letting down at some point in time. Can you forgive me again? I don't know what I said But I didn't mean to hurt you I heard the words come out I felt that I would die It hurt so much to hurt you Then you look at me You're not shouting anymore You're silently broken I'd give anything now to kill those words for you Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you." But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah. 'Cause you were made for me Somehow I'll make you see How happy you make me I can't live this life Without you by my side I need you to survive So stay with me You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry. And you forgive me again You're my one true friend And I never meant to hurt you -Aimee Kendra Lynn Current Mood: mellowCurrent Music: Evanescence |
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