Sunday, November 21st, 2004

Time	Event
12:00a	things have been going ok i guess. im still kind of in a fight with my friend. my sister told me that my friend was still planning things for my birthday which is kinda weird cuz i havent talked 2 her or seen her in a week. what the hell does she expect? that we're just gonna b cool all of a sudden just cuz its my birthday? its on wednsday (3 days) omg im dreading it soo much. i hate birthdays. but theres something thats making me kinda happy. i met this guy named mike like about a week ago. (we didnt really talk 2 eachother directly. it was just cuz he was w/ a group of friends and i was w/ a group of friends and me all met up somewhere.) and then just a few days ago i find out that he was like crushing on me. that helped my self esteam a little bit. so we have been talking online and on the phone and stuff, being totally flirty. we are suposed 2 meet up 2day. the only thing is that hes younger than me. ive never gone out w/ ne1 younger than me b4. they are usually at least a few years older than me. but im gonna give him a chance cuz u never no. last night i cut all over my arms and i think my sis saw it. i hope 2 god that she didnt. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: hate breed (Comment on this)
12:03a	I gotta get this out! Wow... I can't stop thinking. I found this great comm on here and I love it. It really helps me and some ppl act like they care and tell me not to hurt myself and talk to them. Its almost great. I dont expect it to last. Darren... you confuse me. Im sorry... but I had to say it. I love you and everything, but I have goals and dreams. I dont want to give that up. I dont know whether to take this serious or not. Please HELP me! I want to go to college and have a real family. It seems like all you want is to have some chick(you dont care who) have your kid and say shell marry you. That means alot to me... marriage and kids do... and I dont take it lightly. I LOVE YOU... but Im so CONFUSED! You need to talk to me! I LOVE YOU! I am nervous about school on Monday. I havent been there for a while and I know Seren will see the cuts on my arms and ask me whats going on. Im really anti social and there are alot of new people in there. Not only that but I hate change! I am so fucked eh??? LOL! i dont know what to do. HELP... I just feel like I have to cut myself... Ive been thinking about it all day. I am so scared that I wont be able to stop it and I only just started! I am really scared! Kenny Current Mood: worried Current Music: Skywynd (Comment on this)
12:21a	I Just Want To Talk To Someone! I really scared!!!! Im stressed about all kinds of things. I go back to school after not being there for a while and I know Seren will see the marks on my arm and ask whats going on. Not only that but I am a tad bit anti-social and there are alot of new people in my class. To top it off, I dont like change!!! Im fucked eh?? LOL! I don't know. I just feel like I have to cut. Im scared that I wont be able to stop though I just started. HELP!!! Im really really scared -Kenny Oh... and to top it off I was really stupid and didnt change to where I was sending this so its on my blurty thing and Darrin will see it. He doesn't know I cut. He has already said I have problems cos I used to call him when I was drunk or doped up on drugs!!! HELP!!! I need to talk to someone! Current Mood: worried Current Music: Skywynd- Picture Perfect (3 Comments | Comment on this)
3:02p	i cut again last night. 32 times on my left thigh. they werent very deep, the cuts. but it was enough to make me feel better. i cut over a guy, i admit. i'm pathetic. i just wish things would work out between us. i hope he isnt playing around with me, oh dear god, please dont let this all be a big fat joke. it felt so nice to have that brand new razor blade slit my skin. the blood running down my leg felt so nice. they were my tears. (5 Comments | Comment on this)
3:16p	dont really know anymore... kind of new to this community, but i love it.. you guys are wonderful people.. and sometimes i think i give good advice but i dont seem to be able to take my own advice this shit keeps getting worse and i dont know, i have friends here but they have alot of shit in their lives going on too and i dont really want to upset them by talkin to them about my problems.. its christmas time and i will have to go with my dad ( which i havent been with since last christmas, i really cant stand him for abandoning me and my mom and sister like her did) i just think im going nuts Ugh i want to cut so damn bad Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
5:25p	i just feel so fucking alone... Current Mood: aggravated (8 Comments | Comment on this)
5:46p	Theres a big world out there and you only have one life...are you ready for the end? Suicide is not the answer Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electricute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone. What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal. What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go. What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? -Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. anyone reading this steal it and put it up for everyone to see! Current Mood: calm Current Music: Maroon5 (6 Comments | Comment on this)

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