[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends View]
Saturday, November 20th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 5:44a | wow .. omg !! im gunna go fuckin crazy!!! i love some one who loves another ... my mom seems liike she hates me cause im a BI-SEXUAL ( i like guys and gurls and im a gurl) .. i like guys and gurls and my mom thinks im a fricken drugie and that i have an eating problem but i dont...my friends parents think im a drugie...and im anti-social usually!! but i kinda found some ppl i can talk to like my friend Miranda and my friend kayla... i trust them with any thing and the person im in love with is kayla... i can tell her every thing even that i love her but when i try it comes out like ive already said it be fore.. i hate it... i havent seen my dad in almost 2 years .. my mom verbally abuses me... she use to drink and physically abuse me but idk... and basically 3/4 of my friends treat me like im crap and like im invisable and verbal abuse me too and im sick of it.. i wanna cut and i wanna cumit suicide but i cant cause i promised kayla i wouldnt i wouldnt kill myself cause me and her are in this together till the end and i told her that she means the world to me cause she really does and im in love with her .. true ever lasting love !!! but she has some one and im left out on the side lines :( ... and i wanna cut its complecated!! i hate it so much !!! if any one is a 'bi-sexual' or if any one wants to talk with me comment this or IM me on AIM my screen name is .. Craving4RealLuv ill update later yours truly .. KRISTA Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: How Can This Happen To Me - Simple Plan |
| 11:39a | yesterday. well, a girl decided to swallow 6 supposed ibuprofens. Pat took the ibuprofen from her so she wouldnt take anymore. the next period i needed ibuprofen so i asked pat to give me two (normal dosage), we didnt want to get caught even taking ibuprofen in school cause u can get suspended for that so i just quickly swallowed it without looking. 20 minutes or so later i became really dizzy, had slurred speech and couldnt walk straight. I asked one of the girls friends if she knew anything and she told me they were anxiety pills. Later on, pat told me they were blue (ibuprofen is normally red not blue). It ends up they were perscription anxiety pills. I only took 2 though. by the end of school i was getting a little better. I still had hot flashes and was all jittery and unbelievably tired. So i slept for 5 hours. I then told my pareents cause i heard the police were getting involved. My parents arent mad at me. my mom just says "their are rules for a reason" and that i shouldnt be taking anyone elses ibuprofen regardless. im pretty much all better now. I just wanted to share that cause it was horrible. If you guys ever think of taking anxiety pills, dont. It WILL make you feel like crap. its nothing like cutting or any form of release. anyway, so when my parents were talking to me about the pills i just wanted to them i cut so badly but i just couldnt do it. I told them almost a year ago i did and i went to a shrink for like a montha dn it was horrible so i told them i was better and they weere naive enough to beliee it (they dont like shrinks). I cut my ankle a week ago today and its really deep considering i used a safety pin. I have to kleep it hidden. I hate these cuts. But i love my scars. It like reminds me of...something. Nostalgia i suppose. |
| 2:23p | hmm... idk i feel like shit, i hav no luck with guys, i guess im not all THAT ugly, even ugly girls get the guys right? oh my its like this, so theres this guy at school whos like super funny, not all that hott, but hes real cute, hes major flirt...and idk ive been in love with him since like last year...and idk we havent done much, we made out 2 times last year during study hall and last weekend he kissed me 2 times on saturday, anyways thats one guy...then the other one is sooo cute and idk i didnt think i liked him anymore but he watns to hook up wiht one of my really good friends, so i said id talkt o her for him....and telling her how great of a guy he is jus reminds me how much i DO like him, so now im jus trying to get over being selfish...and still try to hook them up...then my ex ugh i thgouht i was over him, but he ALWAYS does stuff to make me want him and then turn around a not want me....like i was getting over him...i didnt see him didnt talkt o himor anyhting n i was doin alright..then idk he said he wants me back and he misses me so i got my hopes up and then now he wont talkt o me? idk i just like all 3 guys so maybe i can have a chance with one of them, even tho 1 im trying to hook up wiht my friend, one i told i hate him, and one i told i jus like him as a friend....but none of them would want me even if i did tell then i like them....so idk i wanna cut so bad...ugh but im going to florida so im trying not to for like a monthn so my mom wont see cuts when we go to the beach, scars arent as noticeable and i can make up a story for THOSE....anyways idk im me if u wanna tlak cuz idk i feel like tlaking t someone about shit....and i can listen too...so idk jus im me Xx AdiiCTeD2u xX Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: matchbook romance--the greatest fall of all time |
| 4:10p | Hey guys... I dont know... if any of you remember a couple days I updated and said everything was good and things were going well and I was feeling great. Well.. I feel so foolish for saying that because just when things seemed to be turning around... I dont know. I feel so... worthless and stupid and... why do things change so fast? I have so much to do and reasons to do it but I just can't I need to do my homework. I need to write. I need to draw. I need to pass my college classes. But why do I feel like I shouldn't even try... its like.. even if i do try, i cant get anything done. Nothing will ever change. Nothing will ever be good enough to get me out of this hole that I've dug for so long and sat in for so long.... And its all choking me. I'm trying so hard to change... or maybe I'm just trying to TRY to change. Whatever I'm doing, it's not easy... and I know its not going to be. But even when i do get SOMETHING done... it still feels worthless. For everything I get done I have 10 more things I need to do.. And to make things worse, katie called and invited me to her b-day party... what was she thinking?! Was she asking for me to come and be uspet? wtf. She know's I dont want to see tony. He doesnt want to see me. I dont want any of my old friends. None. I want to move away and go to school away from them and away from here and just away from my family and everthing. Away from my razor. I should go.. Wish me luck.. I'm trying not to go back to the way things were. Trying not to give up and go back to hurting myself... but I'm having trouble defining a motivation. "All that I have found in reason is reason just to not believe" ~ A Song To Sing ~ Hanson. Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: A Song To Sing |
| 4:48p | I haven't cut since August. I don't even feel the need to anymore.. it's weird. Anyways, you guys need to download the song Jack Off Jill- Strawberry Gashes. good song. You'll probably relate to it. hah, the lyrics are like-- *Turn her over.. A candle is lit, I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me. Curse me, sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her.. "You're living like a disaster" She said "kill me faster" with strawberry gashes all over.. Called her over, and asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine," it's wonderful, wonderful here... Hex me, told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over I lay quiet, waiting for her voice to say "Some things you lose, and some things you just give away.." Scold me, failed her. If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me Watch me lose her It's almost like losing myself Give her my soul and let them take somebody else get away from me Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over all over me Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: Led Zeppelin- Black Dog |
| 6:01p | sooo...today i was so damn bored that i made some website.... you may check it out =/ http://www.freewebs.com/saigne/index.htm Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Kyo-je saigne encore |
| << Previous Day |
2004/11/20 [Calendar] |
Next Day >> |