Monday, November 15th, 2004

Time	Event
12:00a	im so scared, it almost happened 2 me again... when i was 11 years old i was at my boyfriends house (at the time he was 13) it was kind of a party i guess. there wearnt 2 many people there. we were all drinking and stuff. then i told my boyfriend that i had a headache and so he got me 1 pill. it had a D on it. thats all i rememberd until i saw his face and he was on top of me. and yeah u can just guess what he was doing. thats all i remember of that night. that fucking dickhead drugged me so he could fuck me. but i should have known better than 2 just take whatever he gave me. so last night when my dad dropped me off at my house and he drove away b4 i got 2 the door. then i realized that i had 4gotten my keys. (smart huh?) at that time i really needed a cigarette and i didnt have ne so i was just walking around the street looking 4 butts. then this car with 3 guys in it pulled up and asked me if i needed a ride. and of corse i was stupid enough 2 get in the freaking car. they didnt rape me. they would have if i had opened the car door like 5 seconds later. at first he was just talking 2 me n then he pushed me against the window and lifted up my shirt. i told him no and i smacked him, but that just made him mad. then he ripped my pants and just as he was about 2 do it i found the door handle. it was 1 of the most scariest times of my life. i no i let it happen once and i wasnt about 2 let it hapen again. i thank gos so much that it wasnt ne worse that it was. yeah so thats my story. now i just feel so empty inside. theres these 2 huge gashes on my lip and its all swollen. and theres a bnbg bruise underneath my eye. it makes me sick 2 my stomach. i cut my arm really deep. it was like i didnt feel a thing, im so numb. its about 5 inches down my arm. i started 2 get really dizzy so i just layed in the bathroom 4 at least an hour, if not more. i was just thinking about how i could end it all now. its really hard. every time i close my eyes i can c his face from the first time it happened. it kills me every single time. but now i have yet another face 2 look at. it hurst so bad. i feel like i do really wanna end it. i cant stand it. i swear 2 god im gona go crazy. i cant even leave the house 4 2 reasons. im so scared that something could happen again and i just cant trust ne1. and the other thing is that i really dont even have the will power 2 even get out of bed in the morning. this sucks so bad. lifes a bitch then u die... Current Mood: numb (4 Comments | Comment on this)
3:25p	Heres how I feel right now I'm not feeling so sure It would help if you offered a cure If I wait it's to late for the remedy I don't wanna be me. You won't save me Cause I'm not the fortunate one So don't blame me If I decide to go hide or instead to just run. Maybe we could just sit for a spell And make ammends it depends on my injury.... Sorry, I love these lyrics, they fit how I feel so much. The song is called, "I don't wanna be me" By Amanda Clemens Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: I don't want to be me- Amanda Clemens (2 Comments | Comment on this)
6:58p	3 cheers to no more cutting so some girl saw my arm and asked me if i cut myself, i was like uh no, cut myself? and shes like oh ok, then i messed it up and said, thanks! haha wtf? but i wasnt really lying, cause i stopped!! like some others here..hopefully. and the comments on my other entry made my smile<3 AND someone added me on livejournal..life is good.<3 but remeber xgizzelmynizzelx to those who want to talk<3 WOO THREE CHEERS TO MORE CUTTING!! (2 Comments | Comment on this)
7:32p	i got caught in the middle of my attempt by my stupid mom 4 any one thats cares just thought i'd tell u im still alive but not for long if i can help it -mandy (2 Comments | Comment on this)
10:24p	im a bad person Well today was truly a mess. Long story short - a few days ago i told my boyfriend that i cut and he was worried and wanted to help me. but now he cut today i feel like everyone around me is cutting because of me! like i do it so its ok if they try it. its not and it made me really sad. now i guess how people feel when they can't help me... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Hurt- nine inch nails (3 Comments | Comment on this)

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