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Saturday, November 13th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 10:14a | wo!! FUCK, FUCK, fuck!!!! ok .. well im gay, well im a bisexual (i like guys and gurls)! and im a gurl ... and i told my brother im gay and he thinks its not right and he doesnt know if he thinks of me as a sister any more and if i tell my dad he wont think of me as a duaghter!!! :(... i wanna cut reelie bad...im itching and scratching but my mom and step father are home and i cant !!!! oh my fuckin god!!!! i mess every thing up all the time .. i hate my life ,i hate me, io hate that im bisexual and my family dont like me and my friends are un-comfortable by me now!!i wish i wasnt bisexual but i cant help it !! and i like 3 gurls .. kelsey bolz., kelsey bruder(a different one), and kayla s.! i reelie like kayla s. and kelsey bruder !! and they are good friends too!!:( ... this all sucks!!! i wish i was some one else!!! dont any of you ppl wish that!?!?! .. well if ya want to talk i.m. me.. my screen name is .. Craving4RealLuv ... hope to talk to you ppl soon... :-\... Yours truly, Krista M. H. Current Mood:  guiltyCurrent Music: perfect life- simple plan |
| 12:24p | Wow, it's kind of ironic. Yesterday was definitely the worst day of my life.... Scenario: I'm handing in my worksheet record thinger for gym, not thinking about those little, er, marks that are currently on my wrist.. He holds me after class, asking what was on my wrist, and do I want to talk about it, and am I alright. So I just pull some story out my ass, run to the locker room, and start crying into my locker, shaking violently... Luckily, my best friend was there, and she calmed me down... So after that I went to German, and I just sat there and I couldn't sit still... Nothing happened, so when the last period of the day came, which is right after German, I was starting to calm down and forget about the whole incident. I sit my books down at the table (I had study hall) I hear, "Could Jennifer ********* come down to the nurse's office?" So I start walking down the hall to the nurse's, and just break down crying yet again... I was wearing my sweatshirt, and they made me show them my cuts. Luckily, I didn't do it deep at all this time, unlike the time before where my friend was freaked out... They, being the nurse and my guidance councelor, asked me questions about it, like how long I've been doing it *I lied and said only a month* why I've been doing it *I half lied* do all my friends get together and do it *I was pissed; they acted as if cutting is a cult* and would I ever commit suicide, which I said I never would because I could never leave my friends behind... But I don't think they believed me... They called my mom, and she came in and picked me up.. We got home and started screaming at each other. I finally told her why it started: her affair. More things were said, and I left to go to my friend's up the street... I came back an hour later, and.... my mom said that she would be telling him tonight *which was last night* what was going on, everything, and how she's going to move out and if I want to come along, then I'm welcome to. And how he's not going to want her anymore because of what she's done to me... And I feel like it's going to be my fault if they get divorced and he wants nothing to do with her. Because he might've taken her back if it was just the affair, but because I reacted this way, it sort of screws everything up... So yeah, it is my fault... But they haven't talked yet because my mom fell asleep before he got home from work last night, and he's not home right now, and probably won't get home until my mom goes to work. So I'm going to spend my whole day worrying...*sigh* Current Mood: worried |
| 1:10p | well im new to this community i guess i joined so i could talk to people about my cutting, and have people understand. not telling me i need to get help but telling me they know how i feel. last night i cut six times down my arm, the night before ten all over my ancle, the night before that on my arm again. i used to only do it once maybe twice a month...not too deep. and i told myself i had to stop. But that just made me want to do it more..and here i am. i wasnt even depressed last night, i was fairly happy. I sapose im addicted. i never wanted it to turn out like this. Current Mood:  confused |
| 3:03p | yesterday the whole day at school there was 3 barretts (hair thingys) on my arm. they were the small kind. after school i read a cutting fan fiction in quiz form and i could relate 2 it even if i dont cut. i looked at my wrist and just remembered i had the barretts on my arm. i took them off and sinse they were tight it made red streaks. it looked like i cut and it made me happy cuz it was a new way without ACTUALLY doing it. i put my finger over the lines and it felt nice. i dont really think i could die cuz its not gunna cut off my blood circulation much. Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: S.O.S.-Good Charlotte |
| 3:36p | hey its me, like any of you know who 'me' is but anyway.. i cut twice yesterday and by me typing that just now i just remebered i promised my friend that i wouldnt do it anymore if she didnt. woops, but anyway, so i was looking at my arm, well no, i took a picture of my arm, then looked at it, cause well thats face it, its not the same, and i really hate how it looks, and then i just saw a picture of me and i had my hand out and shit, alot of the scars show, and i hate it. so right now im swearing to not cut anymore. last time i said, it lasted a week and the last time i said 'absolutly' well i didnt say absolutly i just said 'k enough' (not in those exact words however) and it lasted a little over a month, i was quite proud of myself. so right now, since we are all in the same boat: heres three cheers to no more cutting and hopefully/eventually this whole community will stop cutting andd then we could all be best friends!<3 whos with me?? and on a lighter, not so relevant note..anyone have livejournal? i have an odd number of friends and its killing me softly(yes, like the song) so if you guys waaantt, we could EVEN be livejournal friends, even though i dont think i have one serious update, but hey comeon i said its killing me!! i'm proud/happy (couldnt you tell) about my decision, and i will be even moree happier if we all did this together! so what do ya say? ps. i cant comment back, so you can reach at xgizzelmynizzelx AND dont forget, my livejournal (if you have one) is soda_partyx...add me!! so i dont die<3have a nice dayy |
| 4:19p | yo...i am bored....what else to do other then update you all...my friend Kim yelled at me yesterday cuz of my arm...meh..whatever...she shouldnt have tried to look...just picked off the scab again...didnt bleed as much as the first one...but still a large amount..its fun..i think i like to peel the scab off of cuts more then anything...the first time i peeled the scab off this one omg i could have filled like 1/4 of a cup...when i started peeling the scab right away the blood was coming out really fast so i just continued to pick the scab through the blood and it was sick and cool....my hand became covered in the blood...then i finaly get the stupid scab off and it continuesly bled..it was neet but then i had to go somewhere so i washed my hands and my arm and stuff...does any like to save tissues they use to wipe blood off with? i always do..i dunno why really..i just like to have them...i need to get less sick......k im hungry and i need to wash my hands...cya's... Current Mood:  crazy |
| 6:29p | First time Well It's my first time posting, i just joined. I've been cutting for about six months. I'm seeing someone to get help but it feels like no one can help me. I decided to join so I could at least get my thoughts out in the open and hear about others experience. When you go through something hard its easier when you can talk to people. Thanks for letting me come and share! Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: Here's to the night- eve6 |
| 8:35p | I hate tonyght, I want to lay down and make it all go away Tonyght has been horrible, between me getting yelled at to Adam and me fighting, which is worse? I don't know. All I know is I just want to make it all go away...to curl up in a little ball and just hide from it all. It's all my fault, I didnt mean to make him mad. I was just joking, but now all Adam thinks is I just want him for sex. I don't want him just for that, that is like a special special thing that may or may not come with it. I want to be with Adam, because he is himself. He makes me feel like I'm me, I don't have to hide from him, I can be myself, not an act, he knows my feelings, he knows how I react. I know that I'm special to him. Yes, I'm still scared everything will turn out like Nick, but aren't I with all my relationships? I just want to make things better, but he made me so mad, thinking I only wanted him for sex. I don't.... I want to make it go away, I want to curl up in a ball and wish it all away, never waking up. Isn't that a beautiful plan? It seems like it for me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want me and Adam to be over...I don't know anything anymore...someone help me... |
| 11:11p | Im all livejournal happy so i havent updated to you guys in, according to the user page 30 weeks. sad. well, im gonna starrt coming here religiously i swear! for those of you who dont remember me my name is maxie, im 15 and ive been cutting for almost 2 years now. I went four months without it from july untill october of 9th grade. I mostly scratch i guess with safety pins. when i started out i always used disposible razors but i cant bring myself to use them anymore. I want to try using blades but we dont keep them in my house and its impossible to get to a store where those can be bought without my parents. (ie wal mart or shop rite). I like being on blurty ith this community one because LJ everyone can see which communitys im in and also pretty much because i hate when people know i cut. Only my best friend (who you will read about in the next paragraph) REALLY knows. Other people know but dont know any details and dont realise i think that ive done it more than once. My parents knew i did it in winter of 9th grade (last year) but as far as they know ive stopped. okay that about covers that. tonight i had my friend over who moved away over the summer to live with her dad. Ive been best friends with her since we were like 7. I also had over two other female friends and we all chilled and it was good. I couldnt help noticing how much my friend had changed though. I mean i see her every other weekend when shes at her moms but she still just isnt the same and it is really depressing. She used to do drugs and shit and it never really made a difference but since she moved and started doing more shit(maybe it was the drugs--maybe not) shes just gotten so much different. Like shes completely pessimistic and is constantly calling people "shady" and saying how she cant trust anyone where she lives and how we dont know what its like here because their is never shit to do as opposed to where she lives when shes never actually at home(shes busy being out and getting wasted). She was complaining about how her mom doesnt want her smoking in front of her anymore and I said how I really think its Effed up when parents let their kids do shit like that. (BTW, im not a sXe at all...i think ciggarettes are dumb to get into...other stuff eh, whatever...ive done some stuff, nothing big at all...)and she started to be like "okay, mom" and i dont know i just couldnt stand how she used to be so much funj, Like we went to a no doubt/blink concert back in june and at the time we both lvoed both bands (now both of us only like no doubt, but we were HUGE blink fans) and well blink SUCKED live. they butchered their own songs. Bujt we still had so much fun. I felt INFINITE. and its like i wish i bottled that night. Now i can just imagine that night over again and nnow shed probably just stand there with her arms crossed and complain that tom wasnt playing the right chords. Well, she went outside to have a cig with one other friend and me and the other stayed inside and i told her how i thought the changed one changed and we got on to the topic of how like all of our friends were either burnt out, almost burnouts or completely different. and not for the better. It depressed the shit out of me once they came inside i said i had to get something out of my room so i went up there locked the door, played the song i dont want to be me by amanda clemens (good song for cutting) and cut my ankle. i cut for the first time in what would have been a month tommorow then i researched after they left borderline personality disorder and I have every symptom of it. exept attention cause i only randomly need it. not always. eh, im sorry this post was soo long. Ill make it up by posting tons of comments :). |
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