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Friday, November 12th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:44a | these thinGz keep me frOm sLeep* i want to cut..................................... these mOrbid thingz that ii dream wake me up in a scReam cOld sweat is dRipping dOwn my faCe ii need tO get Outta this pLace sO many thinGz ii wiLL never teLL whO knOwz tha cOst Of my Own persOnaL heLL ii begin tO tRembLe, ii begin tO shake remember the thingz ii dReamt as ii nOw lie awake itz haRd tO bReath, ii cLench my cheSt ii cant gRasp tha faCt Of this distRess my mind raCez, ii staRt tO cRy ii knOw ii cant stOp it sO ii dOnt even tRy im terrified tO clOse my eyez afRaid Of wat behind them liez im staRtin tO fReak these thingz keep me frOm sLeep they cOnfuse me, they mess with my head sOmetimez ii wish that ii was dead aRe these a reaLity? a fOreshadOwing Of a fataLity? immObiLized by my feaR ii lay staRing at tha ceiLing w. nOthin but the sOund Of |[( DEAD )]| air Current Mood: dfghdfjdtyjdh |
| 12:50a | change of plans screw wanting to cut. im done. it all ends here. goodbye cold cruel world * YOU SUCKKKKKKKKKK |
| 9:44a | I knew it wouldn't take long to set me off. I should have just left last night. I cut 18 times..... |
| 11:47a | zone.... out of no where i zone out and just start shaking...... i havent made a cut more than a millimeter wide in over a month... but i have these dreams... and crazy thoughts i cant get out of my head... press as hard as i can with a razor, start at my wrist and go all the way straight up my arm... i can feel it in my head, how relieving it would be.... i dont want the wrong person to know, ie family, i dont want to go in the hospital anymore its ok to feel these thoughts but not act it out..... right? Current Mood:  confused |
| 3:50p | I decided that I should leave this community. One of my friends found out that I cut and she was angry with me and threatened to tell my sister if I didn't go to guidance. She also made me show her my cuts. And so I went to guidance, because if I didn't, I'm sure that I would be back on medication and that sucked. Guidance wasn't that bad, even with my strong hatred of guidance couselors. I didn't tell her that I cut. I decided that I'm just not going to cut. Sometimes, it's diffucult to deal with, but I have to do it, otherwise, I'll probably drive myself crazy. And be more stressed out then I usually am, although I have been happy like this whole week. Meh. Yeah so I'm leaving. Hang in there guys. I might comment in here, but I'm not going to be a member anymore. ~tracy~ Current Mood:  okayCurrent Music: Rufus Wainwright-April Fools |
| 4:22p | sorry* argh. sorry about my last entry. i had kinda a spaz attack. one of my really good friends said she was going to kill herself. i was already depressed. nd already freakin out because i cant sleep because of the things i dream and i dunno. i really thought i was going to kill myself, but then when i paused for just a moment i realized i couldnt. there is so much i wanna do in life. i hate this house and this family and alotta other things. but i realize once i turn 18 i can get tha fuck out and never come back if i dont feel the need. so i guess, im just gonna bare with it nd wait til that moment.................................. anyways today at school was hell. i was supposta skip today but because my friend sed she was gonna kill herself saturday night and couldnt talk to me before then because i was skippin school and she was grounded from everything. i was a mess. i freaked out as you could tell from my last entry............... and then i decided i would go to school and get her help. well i did. i dindt let her know that i was there. avoided all the places i would see her so that she didnt think i was there nd right before she left i could grab her nd go see my health teacher last year so we could go to her counselor. well. i dunno. i was spazin all night. then all day. i didnt study for the 457567 tests i had today but surprisinly i did really well on everything. so yea. then i told my old health teacher not to let me back out. but she told me she couldnt decide for me. i decided to just suck it up nd i actually went through with it. i hate myself for it. but like i know it needed to be done........ argh... it was hell.. i grabbed her nd she knew.. she got really pissed nd wouldnt even talk to me.. i felt horrible.. then the health teacher came with us to guidance and stayed there.. she kept lookin at me nd it was makin me mad dkjghskdjgksjdgf.. but i udnno.. argh. so my friend is gettin help. she didnt really tell all. but i wasnt about to tell all. we needa take baby steps. im not sure if she hates me or not.. but i guess.. i deserve it either way.. i know i did the right thing but... sdkjghsldkjfgklsjdfg whyyyyy do i still have this feelin in my stomach???? itz makin me sickkk dslkfghsdkljfg i cant take itttt =(. i dunno. so yeah. im gettin some help too. i dont wanna cut ne more. it finally seemed to screw me over.. but im glad. i guess its wat i needed?. i just hope it lastz.................... Current Mood: sdkjfglskdjghkljdsfg Current Music: waLk away -- gOod charlOtte |
| 4:23p | wow serioulsy life does suck i got in trouble today by my mom and dad for everything that i didnt do my sister and brother got into a fight this morning WHILE i was in school, so i come to them yelling to me ABOUT WHAT THEY ARGUED ABOUT like i was there. then they fucking hate him one minute and then pitty him the next. what the fuck bullshit is that. and how i have an attitude and my word has to be the last word when im sitting there trying to figure out what the fuck happened. then i get in trouble for wearing gloves. yes gloves. cause its like 24 degrees and i just had a slushee drink so pardon me if i chose to wear gloves. like are you fucking kidding me. then to say how i get mad i stay mad, when i fucking drop it. i get into arguments all the time with my dad and 5 minutes later i talk and now my moms startting round 2 some kill me now |
| 6:18p | ok, in PE today i was wearign these long shorts, that almost go to my knees... and that way you can't see any of my cutts, and then this girl i REALLY like, like just recently we've gotten really close again, and she told me she was bi and stuff.. and i really like her, and she was just joking around and touched my leg but my pants slid, and then it was our tunr to go onfor basketball, so she didn't saynethign , but when we went back to the bnch she lifted my shorts up a little bit, and ask what the hell is that... no on heard and she din'dt want to draw attention so she didn't say anythign more then.. but now i don't know what to do, liek i really liek her but i dont' want to talk ot her a/b my cutting:S, but if i start talkign to her againa nd stuff then she is probely gonna ask me ... help any one... * It is Neil Youngs 59th Birthday today* Current Music: Hey hey my my -neil young |
| 7:14p | Blah.Its been a pretty bad day. I'd say a 1.5 and thats only cuz of kitty..if it wasnt for her it would be a -5. Aud's doggie got it by a car..and i saw it happen. It was before school. It was really bad. So we (Aub and her mom) ran to the 2 different vet's, they were all closed. Then we got to one that was open. The doggie wasnt doing to good. =(. Aub had to keep moving it so it wouldnt fall asleep. They (the vets) took her back and we stayed in the waiting room...They were crying and i was trying not to. I called my dad and he started yelling at me. It got me really upset. I went back in and sat. They called us back to this room and told us she was dead. It was bad. I tryed not to cry...but i did..not alot...It was really bad cuz she was like my doggie...I ended up going to school ... late. It was a really bad,long day. I just wanted to get home and then leave. I didnt want to be home. I hate it here, its fucking hell. I got in to a fight we my mom...blah,blah,blah. She knows i cut. great. She doesnt care...she thinks its some big joke or something. I dont care.Whatever. But I'm STILL fucking grounded. FUCK MAN!!!!!!!! I fucking hate this.. I've cryed so fucking much today. I just wanted to see my sweetheart and talk to him and have him hold me and see him and be with him...but NO nothing can go right now can it? just fuck this. I have cut and its going to stay that way. So no more cutting. Its been like weeks i think? I dont know. Your mostly thinking 'why am i updateing here?' its cuz greatestjournal's is being gay. =/. lol. Well that was my really bad day. I miss my Joshy boy. =/. Lucy (Sally <3's Bob) |
| 9:40p | i talked to my girlfriend today. i was going to go down to see her and things would be all great, and peachy, but then my roomate was like you need to take me here and you need to go to this place here. i told her fuck no and left and then work called and told me that i needed to come in. and that dreaded guy called me and i hated talking to him because the date that we had yesterday just totally sucked. it was just bad. i've wanted to cut for some time, and im about fed that i think im going to. im going to go right now. talk to yous later. MaDelyn Current Mood:  cold |
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