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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:00a | things have been really weird 4 me lately. last night was my friends birthday party. it was ok, we pretty much just watched movies, did spells, and smoked up. well i didnt smoke up cuz i get to parinoid but i got really clam baked. it was the first time my friend got really stoned so she was kinda freaking out so i had 2 calm her down. it was funny tho. but when every1 else fell asleep i was still up watching movies and i touched my face and realized i was crying. i wasnt really sad, it was weird. the night b4 that really freaked me out tho. i was just laying in my bed and i felt really out of reality and i guess i blacked out. when i woke up i had all these cuts all over my arms and legs. i dont remeber doing that at all. there was blood all over. im just glad no1 came in and saw me cuz they prolly would have freaked out cuz i kinda did. it really sucks cuz i feel like im going into another 1 of my deep depressions. i hate it. but i guess a good thing is that my birthday is comming up so i get 2 get my tounge pierced. im just hopeing that no1 throws me a party cuz i really dont want that. but theres a possibilty that i might get 2 hook up w/ matt. (matt is the guy im like totally in love w/) i hope everything goes well... ~jennelle~ Current Mood:  worried |
| 12:33p | ^.^ so, i just came to the realiation that this girl, a 'not quite ex' gf of mine, doesnt like me (and im currently not sure if she ever really did)...all she wanted was to have someone to fill the slot of 'significant other', she doesnt love me. ...the other week this one guy told her he wanted to hook ^ with me and shes like "you better not, i'll chop your balls off"... and now i realize the only reason she said that is because she's obsessed with having me for herself, for a fuck buddy, or w/e the hell it was she's wanted since june. WOW. anybody else ever have an ephiphany like this? like, you were hesitant to move on bc you thought the other person cared for you so much and you didnt want to hurt them, and then you figure out they were just desperate to not be alone? I FEEL SO FREE! i should fuck that guy just out of spite lol! oh my GOD do i feel such a burden off my shoulders... i mean i'll admit, for like the first 10 mins after this epiphany i was on the verge of tears, bc i guess ive grown to "love" her, but now im seriously thinkin that ive just grown to "love being adored". wow wow WOW i hope you all have a lovely fucking day! im so happy i could just cut lmao! peace out all - AcE - "to the ladies in the house- we proud of y'all..." Current Mood:  ecstaticCurrent Music: the roots : star |
| 2:21p | i'm so confused! Okay, so my best friend and i have been in a HUGE fight lately cause she read my journal and told people that i cut. we haven't talked in almost two weeks. but then she gives me this poem and it looked like she was about to cry. she said "it's not meant to make you sad, it's just to let you know how i feel" since when did your heart made of pure gold, turn so damn melancholy blue? this unforseen hate clouds your eyes, it impairs your judgement like some elusive drug. your once gorgeous glare, now to be confused with a sedated stare. every beautiful day you waste away, tapping your pen to the slow rhythm of that ticking clock, contemplating ways to make it end. your silent whispers can be heard i can see that invisible tear trickle down your freckled cheek. each droplet, each silent cry for help at each passing moment with every hating glance i'm stolen by the pain, that's hidden beneath your band-aids. it's been two weeks, and i will not let you slip away. i really don't know what to do! i feel like i should stil be angry because she betrayed me and i have ALWAYS stood by her! it's just so hard cause we've been best friends for 5 years! PLEASE COMMENT! i need help! Current Mood:  confused |
| 3:45p | updating simply b/c i can Nothing new has been happening....haven't cut since i quit arbors but i know something is going to set me off. Who knows. This is going to be short. Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: Quite Little Things That No One Ever Knows |
| 4:52p | what a bitch. so lately, shit has been so bad. and i totally feel like i want to cut but for some reason i havent yet. i dont know how i have been getting through these really bad days without doing it but i have. especially considering i started up again fully over the summer and i have been doing it since. but my once-belemic best friend told me that she has started puking again because she feels really fat and i wanted to yell at her but i couldnt because i would feel like a hypocrite. she yells at me for cutting, and i yell at her for puking and i couldnt yell because i have been cutting. and i want to just cut, everywhere and anywhere on my body but the urge is especially on my arm because i love doing it there and i dont get to very often. I just got over the ones i did last time on my arm, they just healed and i just started being able to wear short sleeves again around the house. but i also dont give a shit where i do it as long as it gets done and is able to make me feel better. which it totally does anyway. ugh i was bithing to my friends about how life has totally sucked lately and i needed something to do besides cut and she was like "i would hangout with you tonite but the OC is on." thanks. i dont think i have thought about suicide as much as i have in the last two days. i know its retarded and its stupid and selfish and its a "permanent soultion to a temporary problem" but does anybody just think that if someone knew how shitty you felt and how badly you wanted to die, that they would do something significant to help you with your problems so you dont kill yourself? it seems that im reaching for somebody's help- anybody, really- and nobodys considering helping someone like me at all. thats when i cut the most, becuase i pretty much know thats its me and my razor and nobody else. whatever i dont care, as long as i have that cure in my hand im okay. at least for a while. ugh i have the worst headache today and its a good thing i didnt have school today because i think i would have broken down. i thnk im getting sick too. my neice was here this weekend and when she left her mom said she was puking and she had the flu so i think she must have spread it while she was here and i got it because i spent the most time with here. great. i think i am going to lay down and hopefully cry my eyes out so i dont have to cut. if i dont cry then i guess im going to have to because i refuse to spend all night feeling this way. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: icp-suicide hotline. |
| 7:24p | i cut myself today. i hate my mom shes such a bitch its not my fault im not who she wnats me to be. i cant be who she wants me to be. man i hadnt cut in almost a week. fuck i dont even care Current Mood:  aggravated |
| 8:57p | i cant do my journalism article at all...i asked the editor if i could do self injury and she was like "when people hurt themselves on purpose" and i said yeah..cutting and brusing and burning and stuff..and she just said no and i walked away...im almost disappointed...im finally decided that i was just going to do it and not care what people think but whatever..so now the rough draft is due in less than 24 hours and i have nothing..bleh..i cut on my chest last night..well, i dont even know if its my chest...but the area between my collar bone and my boobs...ive never cut there before, and theres only a few deep ones...but does anyone know how long its going to take to heal? can someone compare it to another part of the body? most of them are just little scratches, but i have doctors appt. on monday and i dont want him to feel them when he does that stethascope (sp) thing...i dont know..im rambling...i probably wont be posting for awhile...hope everyones doing ok..later Current Mood: stressedCurrent Music: sick of it all- the distillers |
| 9:38p | Remember me? Yeah, it's defintely been a while. Damn me and my paranoia. I just thought of something while upstairs... I'm not sure if cutting is worth it anymore. I mean, yes, I do get sort of a 'high' off of it, but it's just too hard to hide. I mean, I get dressed in the morning with this attitude and I tell myself, "So what?" if someone sees them. But then, I get to school, and I realize that a lot of the people that I associate with wouldn't like the fact that I'm cutting. I mean, sure, who would? But some of my friends are okay with it, and have just accepted it, while others will act differently around me and some might even tell everyone in the school about it. I know the latter group aren't really my true friends, but I still hang out with them and everything. So it does matter. Another thing, is that when someone even looks at my arm, or comments on my bracelet, I get paranoid that they're going to see my cuts. Because I don't have many long sleeved shirts. And yes, I know you're probably thinking by now, "CUT SOMEWHERE ELSE DAMNIT!" but I can't. It's just something about cutting on my arms... It feels better *and by better I mean more painful, real, etc.* and it's just easily accessible. I used to cut on my legs, but gym sort of rules out that possibility. Plus, it's so much easier to hide it on your wrists and shoulders. I don't know... It's sort of like I subconsciously want the attention that I would get, but then deep down I know that I definitely don't. It's sooo confusing.... Sorry for wasting your time.. It just helps to get it all out here instead of more on myself... Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: hawthorne heights |
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