!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

sO | c u t | my wRistz nd (( bLaCk )) my eYez sO i -can- faLL asLeep *tOniGht* Or :: die ::
wow. i am so depressed. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i cut the other night for the first time since august. it was nothing even close to cutting though. it was a scratch. i was satisfied at that moment because im trying to change but i really dont think i can. my best friend Tw said she supposively saw my wrist the day after i cut but for some reason i dont believe her. i had like 7 elastics on that wrist and they were new so they were tight and i know they didnt move like she claimed. i told one of my other friends because she was half the reason i did it and i swear that she told Tw. i dont know how to lie to Tp - ive unfortunetly lied to Tw plenty of time since the first time ive cut. she doesnt know i got real bad and was cutting just about every night at one point. anyways so yea Tw is mad at me. so i dont really think i can cut at this moment. although........ i could cut some place that no one would be able to see..... hmmmm. im tryin to break away from cutting but its not working all that well =(. before the first i cut i usta write about everythin hoping that that would stop me. it did for about a month then i sed fuck it and thats when i started cutting. then i was cuttin and writin constantly up until juneish? things kinda got better but then again i left for the summer nd spent it at my cousins house so i was acutally happy. but now ive noticed ive started writing alot more which emans things are starting to get bad again. im basically anorexic. i hardly eat. my parents dont notice tho so i guess i have nothin to complain about. my cousin knows though. shes not dumb. shes one of the few people who do care about me. Tw knows. i dont even have to tell them. they just like know =(.. yea so anyways ive been going to talk to my health teacher from last year. i love her. theres just something about her that i can go and talk to her. and the good thing about her is the fact that she is very easy to talk to. she doesnt know everythin because if i told her everything that would give her grounds to have to go to my counselor and tell them. then id be fucked. she knows about my family and everythin else that sux. but as far as me cutting - she knows i did. but only once then i stopped cause my parents found out cause i told my cousin and she made me tell them. she then turned around to me and said she always had a feeling that something was wrong. i mean she saw me 3 days a week last year. she never expected me to be cutting, but she said she knew something was wrong. i dunno. it makes me feel better to talk to her because like.. i can admit things to her that i could never admit to anyone else. like i admitted to her that i never stopped cuttin after the first time. that made me feel better. but then i created another lie. i told her that there was plenty more than once but i really wasnt doin it anymore. i suck at life. its made up of nothing but lies ksjdgfksjdgfsdf. i saw my spanish teacher from last year today tho =). i was quite excited. i miss her sooo much. shes been out on maternity leave. and her new baby boy - ADORABLE. i saw her and she put the biggest smile on my face that ive had in awhile. i love her. i usta talk to her last year about all my problems and she knew just by lookin at me that nothin changed. she was like "how are you? are you okaii?" and then i just looked at her and i didnt wanna lie but even if i did she would have known but 2 seconds later before i could pop out any type of answer she was like "no your not, i can tell. we will talk later" i just said "okay see you around town" and she was like "come by and visit me". she moved within walkin distance from my house the end of last school year. she has no idea where i live but i know where she lives. im there almost everyday during the summerish days. shes so good to me though. i just dont understand. i cant wait til she comes back in january. im like couting down that days. anyways i know all of this was really pointless and most of you probally dont even care but i felt the need to express myself completely honestly to someone cause i cant do it to anyone i know. if your reading this - thanks.

-- TainTed anGeL

seems like my worlds | f a L L i n G * a p a R t |

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