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Sunday, November 7th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 4:09p | why is everyone lying to me? shit, im just feeling so bad. i just want to forget all the shit that has happened to me. there's no way that someday everything will be ok. im 16 now, doubt that i will make 17.no need for that. enough for me. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: Radiohead - Creep |
| 4:24p | hi my names vanessa, ive had a blurty for a few weeks or so but i just reciently saw whycut and i thought that id join. ive been cutting for the past 3 years. i stopped for a while but this past week has been extremely upsetting with family/boyfriend/school. i started cutting again, its so depressing that i have to resort to it and i find it embarassing when friends see it and ask what is wrong. people ask me to explain whats going on and i try and they dont understand, i was hoping maybe some of you would. please comment .. my screen name is ness0x .. feel free to im me too, thanks Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: howie day |
| 5:32p | today at work all i could think about was cutting. i started scratching at my arm because i craved it so badly. tonight i cut about 33 times and it's only 5:30. fuck i'm so tired of my life. i'm so tired of the bad always conquering the good. i wish that for one hour i could be truly happy. my misery is draining me Current Mood: depressed |
| 5:57p | we all fall down... so, im a senior, and ive never ditched a class besides study hall since i got to hs...but, these past two weeks ive ditched 3 classes AND a study hall, and blew off a 60 pt paper (this is right after getting my 1st quarter report card w a 3.2 gpa)...i hate school, i keep starting shit w my friends, i feel like every1s trying to start shit w me but im fairly sure its me lol. not too probable that 5 ppl 'all the sudden' are the assholes, right? right. and ive been eating less and less, ppl are starting to notice, its making me happy...i got drunk on friday... i just cant care too much about anything. oh and i got grounded from my car for the month of november on holloween cuz my dad just freaked out on me for no apparent reason, even my mom was like 'wow, blow it out your ass' she said to give it a couple weeks and then she'll talk him out of it. yay! um so yeah...anyone here suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)...and if ya do, do you have any good coping mechanisms like vitamins or diet tricks or anything that can perk my mood without using rx drugs??? plz let me know!!! if u cant be good be careful, - AcE - "but tonite, im crazy like a teenage dream alive, but buried now or so it seems. surprise! dont cover your eyes- f r o m n o w o n . . ." Current Mood:  deviousCurrent Music: kill hannah : from now on |
| 9:39p | so much shit. hes leying to me i know it. hes fucking me over. mes screweing with my mind. hes playing around wiht me. he knows i like him. he pretends. he says he lieks me. HA. he has a gf. me-14, him-18. his gf- 18. he wouldnt go for someone younger. hes srewing with me. i know it. hes one little perverted, trouble maker little guy. hes such an idiot for htinking i would believe him for this long. ...but he seemed so serious about it. *slaps oneself* stop it. stop it. stop it. i hate myself for saying this. but i think cutting is going to make me feel better. i really want to cut. pathetic little girl. cutting over a guy. who hasnt though? its just a coping mechanism. like saying Dont cry over a guy. Dont cut over a guy. easy to say, not to do. i'll cut one deep cut on my wrist. i'll cover it up with a bandaid and bracelet. then on my day of the show. i'll buy a skin colored bandaid. no one will notice. if only this was a movie. then theres the other kid, my own age who likes me. but i cant seem to be attracted to him. holding hands at the movie felt nice though. but i only kept thinking of the other one. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. why am i such a little idiot??? Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Rock is Dead- Marilyn Manson |
| 9:59p | I have to cut I need to cut But i cant cut Not until tomrow Becasue my mom is going away for 4 days But thats where the problem is coming from So get this.... She wants to get away whcih is no big deal But then today i realized that she has plans to met this guy That she talks to on the phone that she has never met before But i dont want to tell her i kno And i want her to tell me but ikno shes not gonna What if she gets killed or something My grandma is buying her all this new stuff But what is she doing lying to everyone I dont kno what i would do if something happpend to her This is driving me crazy i have been crying all day I got my drugs to keep me from thiking abpout it I cant wiat to smoke in the house And not matter what i leave around it But again i dont kno what i should do She is leaving in the moring I guess i am just gonna have to hope for the best And hope hes not a rapest or a killer But what if he is, i dont kno who to talk to about this Thats why im writnign it here I cant wait until tomrow when i can cut myself Current Mood: worried |
| 10:27p | Hi Hi, i got suspened, i use to eb "fatal_touch".. i didn't write in my blurty for a logn time, just commented on and off... but i woudl really liek to start writing again, i have homework but i will post later tonight. |
| 10:31p | Hi Hi, i got suspened, i use to eb "fatal_touch".. i didn't write in my blurty for a logn time, just commented on and off... but i woudl really liek to start writing again, i have homework but i will post later tonight. Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: I'm a fake, the used |
| 10:32p | Hi Hi, i got suspened, i use to eb "fatal_touch".. i didn't write in my blurty for a logn time, just commented on and off... but I am gonna start writting again.. Update : my mom still hits me, both parents still druggies and neglective I think i ahve an eating disorder I can only cutt in hidden areas because of ballet I STILL like my ex after i've gone out wiht 3 really great guys and have had some other great guys interested, i just can't get over him.. i have been much more depressed, even considered/attempted suicide, and not because i wanted to die, more because i wanted everythign to stop and i ahve no way to get help i believe i could stop cutting, but i don't see the cutting as my problem, its more the stuff as why i cutt... i'm still sick of people thining i am perfect, and how i can never be myself Well I'll write something of importance later... no one likes to read super long post.. (something small i wrote in class the other day) I am broken, I see broken veins lay slain, I wonder why am I still living, I hear the razor blade slice through my pale white skin, I am twisted. I am hiding behind sparkling eyes and a shinning grin, I smell the aroma of a boy who once loved me, I wish to be genially happy, I touche the crimson tears that form around my wrist, I am a shell of happiness. Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: I'm a fake, the used |
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