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Saturday, November 6th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 10:03a | clinging silently i want to cry. i want to die. i am sick of a life that never gets better, that always comes back down to me dreaming of suicide. i think this has gone on long enough. but i don't have a choice of anything. i miss tony so much. my only help, one of my oh so few friends, the only person i can talk to when something's wrong. and i haven't heard from him in a week, we barely talk anymore. it hurts so much. but still i think about him every day, i dream about him when i sleep. i love him. if i keep myself from cutting, it's for him. 1 week 2 days. such a suprise, really. this week i've been on the edge of a nervous breakdown. but i have to keep everything to myself. esp right now, my parents can't find out about anything, they have so many financial problems. in fact, my internet will be cut off soon, i have to get some sort of free internet set up. cept i can't, i have to get my dad to do it, cause of the stupid controls he's got set up. oh well. best thing in the world: driving fast at night with marilyn manson BLARING. brings a smile to my face. Current Mood:  sad |
| 12:29p | ok well i have some updating to do .. well we moved in with nicholas my mom's boyfriend.. it wasnt all that bad... well i share an itsy bitsy room with my 3 little sistersand we got rid of my comp.. so i cant get on very much ... nick is crazy ... well i think my mom is going to leave him for chris.. i like him hes cool.... well i am dating shane now.. i love him with all of my heart...and that makes me happy... im fine now.... i havent cut in almost almost 4 months.. im sooo proud.. i beat it with his help.. i still keep alot of things bottled up inside of me ... i havent done drugs in a while either.. im very proud of myself... i have been doing very good...well i just figured i would let ya'll know .. g2g byebye ~Crys~ |
| 3:44p | The Perfect Lecture I've been in trouble lately. I skipped school, was caught by a few administrators, I'm hated by Josh's mother, and people are starting to suggest that I be put in a psych ward. But it's okay. I'm making it. My father just gave me the perfect lecture. I was sitting in the study playing solitaire (this happened only minutes ago), and he came in and just randomly said in his nonchalant voice, "So what made you skip Monday?" I was bewildered by the tone of his voice, but I said, "I don't know." Which is sorta the truth, sorta not. I wanted to spend time with Josh, and that's the only way I could do it...but that's not the only reason. It was just one of those days...those days where you just can't be around anyone at all. So I skipped. We had the perfect day. We spent a lot of time in the local cemetery, which may be weird to some people, but it felt wonderful to be there with him. Then the day was over, and I pretended nothing happened when I got home. No one knew anything until Thursday, when someone called the school and told them that they saw me skipping. (By the way, Josh was caught earlier by a coach that saw him. He was sentenced five days of ISS. But I wasn't caught then.) So, the schoolboard called my parents, and let me linger on thinking everything was okay for a day, like they always do, and then my mom talked to me Thursday night. She wasn't very good at lecturing me. She told me that my father was thinking of a punishment for me, and as for the psych ward...it's out of her hands. The school is contemplating it, and if they decide I should go, I will have to. But anyway, back to my dad's lecture: He told me I wasn't stupid. He said that I may be lazy, but not stupid. The best thing is, he was being totally honest when he said this. I know I'm lazy. And I know I'm not (totally) stupid, but him saying it so bluntly and sympathetically, I just fell right into his trance. We had a nice conversation. It lasted maybe ten minutes, but that was the first real conversation we've had in years. Honestly. And I'm so glad that we had it, because I know now that he doesn't hate me for skipping, he's just curious as to why I did it. =) I'm so happy right now. Sorry I rambled so much. I've got so much more to say, but I guess I'll wait until later. Good luck, all. Be safe. -Alli Current Mood: Pefect. Current Music: Football game on the background T.V. |
| 5:44p | You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done I was looking at my scars yesterday night, I used to have this big purplish one on my arm, but it's fading now, it's just an thin silvery line. It's strange, I treasured those scars, like they were trophies. They showed that I have experienced so much more than others. I used to hate it when people would try and make me stop, I mean, it's not as if something was making me do it, there was no great malevolent force behind my actions, it was a simple choice, to do it or not to do it. I chose to do it. People said "those will be there forever, you know" like it was a bad thing. I always miss scars when they start to disappear. Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: Snow Patrol- Run |
| 10:10p | Hello, my name is Jenn. I'm new here. I've been cutting for a while now, almost two years. I don't do it for enjoyment, I do it to relieve stress, anger, etc. I joined this because I want to talk to people about this that truely understand. When my friends find out, they freak out about it and threaten to tell someone of importance (parent, teacher, guidance councelor). My mother found out through someone else and called 911 because she didn't know what to do. They threatened to take me to a mental hospitial to be checked out but I told them I would stop. I lied. I've been trying to stop, but I can't. Yeah that's it I guess. Current Music: Thursday -Division Street |
| 10:43p | i want to cut really bad. and its so hard resisting. i need someone to talk to. IM: thesememoriesxx |
| 11:01p | i fucking hate my life i fucking hate it i dont want to like i hate school...i am tooo fucking dumb too be there nothing is going right in my fucking life i just wish i wasnt eveer born i wish that i couldnt feel pain i wish that iwas fucking numb to all fucking emotions i wish that i couold just be fucking erased from everyones fucking mind so no one wouldhave ever known me i just want to wish so many things so that i can be rid of my whole fucking life wait...........just put me on some fucking pills so that i can be chemically fucking numb |
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