Friday, November 5th, 2004

Time	Event
9:19a	hey im not new I just havent written in here forever um I havent cut in 40 days veryyy happy bout that it helps if you dont think about not cutting well atleast for me.. If anyone ever wants to talk leave a comment or i/m me at killerboi999 --Mike (4 Comments | Comment on this)
11:58a	2 days and counting.. I definitely don't think I can keep Will's promise. He's like the only person that I feel cares about me. He's like an older brother that I never had, and I don't want to upset him. It's only been 2 days since I made my promise to him. It's not like I could lie to him if he asks me if I cut. I have never successfully lied to him, unless, I felt like I bitched too much so I say that I'm fine, when really I'm the most bipolar person on the planet, and mostly get the sad part of being bipolar. I really want to say congratulations to the person who has lasted 40 days so far. I don't think I will be able to do it. It's been 5 days since I last cut. I would do anything to cut. No one's home so I could easily do it, but I would feel so guilty, now that I made that promise to him. I try to be like 'well he lives in canada anyway, so it's not like he could do anything about it'. But he could get really upset with me, and considering that he is the only person I care about, that would not be good. 'We rejoice cause the hurting is so painless'...Interpol-Slow Hands..not a song about cutting. I have to shave my legs anyway lol, I could say it was an 'accident'. Which he wouldn't believe. I can't let myself give in after 2 days.. He has no idea how hard this is. ~tracy~ Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Rufus Wainwright-Want (4 Comments | Comment on this)
8:13p	Updating (again...) I'm updating again. Sorry about this. Anyway, Will told me to talk to Kim (my 'best friend', although he is a lot more of a friend to me then she is) about what I have been going through and like an idiot, I listened to him and did not too long ago. I told her that I cut on Halloween, and now she wants to make me go see someone. Again. I've already been through that once. She doesn't believe that I have any self-control. She's like well you already cut once, so obviously you don't have self control. Yes, I do. I haven't done it since have I, even though I have had bad urges to? No. She called me insecure, which I am, and it's partly her fault. Since I don't get any respect from her, do you expect me to be all comfortable around people? Now she's like oh i want to help you out. No, fuck off. She put some lyrics in her info, soon after she put up an away message: you say that you want respect well then you better get some for yourself cause all that i see right now is someone whos lost and insecure Thanks a whole fucking lot. Making me talk to someone is not going to help me. It's just another person telling me how to think. You can't just apologize to me and expect everything to be okay. The whole reason I cut was because Kim and I got into a fight, and we apologized to each other and then I told her I cut. Maybe it would of helped if she actually gave a shit over the last few years. I can't say that I deal well with rejection. Especially from my best friend. So is it so weird that I made (gasp) 2 cuts on my legs? I think not. Maybe she has people that care, that she can physically see, and not just talk to over the internet, but I don't. I liked just having to promise Will not to cut a lot better. Although if he lived in the same town as I do, I'm almost positive that he would have made me go see someone. But at least he didn't add insult to injury. I really wish that he didn't live in Canada, but I can't change that and that sucks. My mom won't let me to go to college, in Canada either. Kim has no idea the things I go through. I hate how fake people can be. ~tracy~ Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Radiohead-My Iron Lung (Comment on this)

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