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Thursday, November 4th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 7:29a | So...yeah, previously known as ShatteredAngel. So...Yeah, hi. I actually have belonged to this community in the past under the name ShatteredAngel but I had to delete my journal for...personal reasons--mainly that people who I *didn't* want reading it were and...yeah. So...things've been going like, really hard lately, it feels. It seems that there's a lot of pressure on me all of a sudden. My mom found my journal two weeks ago or so and now I'm going to a counsler and that's...pretty interesting, but things're still going really hard, especially between two previous friends (the reasons why I changed my blurty, actually). So...yeah. Hi, I'm back. ~heather Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: H.I.M.--"Pretending" |
| 12:09p | im NOT perfect .. i hate how everyone thinks im perfect nicole. everyone thinks im fucking perfect. im not. not even close. i cant be perfect. i never will be perfect. when people talk about me being perfect.. or prettty or skinny. i just wanna show them my scars and be like" is that perfect and pretty enough for you. this si what i think is beautiful.." or explain that i starve myself .. then maybe i wouldnt be so perfect to them anymore. would i ? . i hate how everyone thinks im perfect. i hate it ! that makes me have to live up to being perfect . and i cant do thaT. i just cant. im not pretty. and im not skinny. and im not perfec. get it through your heads. dammnit. sorry i just had to rant.. - nicole Current Mood:  intimidatedCurrent Music: dare you to movee. <3 |
| 12:13p | Jerk. Wow ok your gay who ever is making rude comments on my blurty. should stop what did i do to you? no need to be a jerk? are you not getting enough attention? why hide? o well on lighter note. Crystal asked me to be the godmother to her baby, eeeek! whoop! and im doin good i voted the other day. mmmmmmm im still with rob. and i feel great, i need to go get ready. and lay back and relax with my food and yeah! much love to you all! xoxoxox |
| 2:35p | hey everyone, i'm new. i'm not really up to typing a real post, so i'll do it later. i just wanted to introduce myself cause this community looks like it'll be really comforting. i've cut for a couple months and i think it'll be good for me to start talking about it with people who actually understand. - sam did anyone watch the dr. phil show on self injury? what'd they say? Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: a static lullaby |
| 5:38p | Heh, thanks for the little Welcome Back, posts. Heh, thanks for the little welcome back posts. ._. Meh, life isn't going so swell. I had...a really....really....really horrible experience with a previous friend (She basically told me to choke and f**king die during the summer) and since then, she has steadily proceeded to steal away my best male friend. Now this guy doesn't even talk to me anymore--and we used to be really, really close. I've been trying...really hard not to cut lately and was doing pretty good--until I gave into temptation. My mom has me seeing a therapist now and everything and I guess s'pretty okay, but still, feels weird talking to someone about everything because...I dunno, I feel like I'm being self-centered spending an entire hour just talking about me, y'know? M'also really frustrated with how my art isn't seeming to progress at all and m'under a lot of pressure with the SATs coming up. Yeah....My life has been....yeah. S'been interesting. I'm feeling emotionally drained *all* the time now. Like, all the time, I'm constantly feeling mentally and emotionally and physically drained and I hate feeling like that. Yeah. ~heather Current Mood:  coldCurrent Music: H.I.M.'s cover of "Don't Fear the Reaper" |
| 5:56p | my dickhead best friend... so yesterday, i was with bruce and hugh, although hugh wasnt really there when i was talking to bruce he was sort of with laura but whatever, so well heres what happened... Bruce- Gabby promise me you'll stop. Me- I dont know if i can, ive promised hugh and everyone else so many times and ive broken that promise everytime, how will this time be different? Bruce- because this time youre actually going to keep the promise Me- i dont know if i can promise ill be able to do that though Bruce- just give me anything that you would use to cut with Me- there are so many things that i could use to cut that even if i tried to give you all of them i would still have a lot to cut with. i cant go running to you everytime i have an urge and i cant fight it. Bruce- well i still have scars from when i did it, but theyre fading now... Me- why didnt you tell me? after i told you all of this? why didnt you tell me? Bruce- thats why youre going to stop. because i care about you. we all care about you. and you see how much you care about me when i tell you something that isnt even true, imagine what its like when it is... Me- well that was just a little bit of a dickheadish thing to do but i see what you mean. (now hugging me) Bruce- just please promise me that this is over Me- its over now, everything is going to end. no more cutting for good. wow. why did i promise him that? but last night i did fight my urge. i was on the phone with hugh and he said something like well no one likes you when they meet you because youre such a bitch. and i was ready to cut. he said exactly what i didnt want to hear him say. i know im a bitch, but the part about no one liking me.. that just pissed me off and made me feel, well sort of used. he always does this. and then he'll start telling me something and just when hes about to tell me whatever it is he says something to the effect of well i cant tell you. and then last night i finally said oh, so you can tell cathy, but you cant tell me? and he was like well she knows a lot more than you do and id have to explain everything to you because you dont know anything. ugghh. the reason why i dont know fucking anything is because he doesnt tell me anything. :-[ it pisses me off that i pour my fucking heart out to the kid but he doesnt tell me shit. damn him, thats what a best friend is for, youre supposed to be able to confide in them. i just hate him so much for doing this to me. and its not like hes done this once or twice he does this like everyday. and then he ditches me for her like everyday too. yesterday we were walking around school together and we were talking and he see cathy and she grabs his hand and theyre off together like he and i werent talking about anything, like im not there, like i dont exsist. and i think wow hes right about me. if not even my best friend can tell me things, then he hates me too. they all hate me. :-/ and he gets so upset with me when i like even mention at all that i cut or mention cutting for that matter, and it makes me feel worthless. i hate him for the way he makes me feel. he kills me. and to think that only about 5 months ago i was in love with this dickhead. and to think that hugh is one of the few people that knows about my SHing and hes the only person that knows about my anorexia... he could ruin me, more than he already has... sorry this is so long. <3 gabby Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: something corporate- cavanaugh park |
| 7:06p | mommy. im bleeding. My wrist wants to hid, it doesnt like you. Its afraid of what you'll think, what you'll say, what you'll do. It feels so ugly, its afraid of this blade. It's afraid of me too, cause the games that I play. When it gets hurt, my wrist always cries. I wipe the red tears that shed from its eyes. Sometimes it gets sick and doesn't heal right. I hurt it just the same in the dead of the night. Sometimes people judge, by the way that it shows. Sometimes it can't hide, it moves way too slow. My wrist, my poor wrist. Oh how I punish it and the blades I dig in. Maybe there's other wrists the are abused just like it. Current Mood:  creative |
| 7:31p | i'm afraid i'm becoming uncousciously anorexic. everyone was joking about it today when i didnt eat anything for lunch. but it made me think A LOT. as for cutting....sigh....maybe after my ballet performance. AHHHHHHHH. i cant believe bush won. i'm actually not surprised. Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: The Dope Show- Marilyn Manson |
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