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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 1:20a | oh well 5 days. who knew just 5 days could be so hard. but today's been the worst. my mom on election day. She's so infuriatingly pro-bush. i'd vote for him, but only cause i think he's better than kerry. geez, all day has been one long debate over whether or not to cut. but i haven't. go me. Why do i feel I've lost? |
| 7:22p | ah fuck, i just wrote this whole speech thing to give us all strengh, and then my computer fucked up. AHHHH. i'll write it again when i'm up to it. *grumble grumble* |
| 7:25p | The dreams in which Im dying are the best Ive ever had..... I tryed to cut myself the other day but it didnt work too well. The glass i have isnt good enough to make me bleed i just have a few marks.... I wish i still had my razor Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: AFI This Celluloid Dream |
| 7:50p | blue from uncried pain... my boyfriend is going to the military sometime between december and march. this year. i feel like dying even more. Current Music: behind blue eyes... |
| 8:29p | fading.... wow, it's been forevah since ive last updated. My computer crashed at the beginng of summer then I left and spent the summer with my cousin again. I started to cut again :-\. First it was just to try to get one of my really good friends to stop, but then it turned into me enjoying it, wanting to do it. I hate this me, but at the same time I enjoy it. Ive started to cut bad. The last few times have left some real nasty scars on my wrist, why I dont go back to my ankles is beyond me. Maybe because those are scarred enough too? i dunno =(. I just cant deal with this shit anymore. I cut sunday for the first time since the end of july I believe. I freaked out - I didnt know what to do. One of my good friends said she was going to kill herself and nothing I sed mattered so i had a cow. I ended up telling her and of course she cut because I cut. That pissed me off because there has been plenty of times where she has cut and i couldnt bring myself to cut because I dont want to cut in spite of my best friend. I think that it outrageous. But her - she did it in spite. Needless to say, i was so mad. Whatever though. I dunno. Ive been talking to my health teacher from school lately. I havent said much because im scared. I need to admit to someone that I havent changed since last september. That i never stopped cuttin after the first time I did and told everyone because i knew it was stupid. I enjoy it. Im able to control myself and i dont feel the need to cut every night anymore. Most time i think about it - but i dont. I just - i dunno.... i get this feeling like i have no other options anymore. I cant get my life straight. I have an eating disorder. It pops in and out of pplz minds that i never eat, but its not somethin like "YOUR ANOREXIC".. although the other night my bestest friend eveer asked me when the last time i had eaten was nd i was like i dunno.. a few days. She didnt like that and of course i was around my other best friends and we went to one girlz house nd they made pizza.. but i didnt wanna eat.. bc i really wasnt hungry but she was like "yeah because we have an anorexic friend". It didnt make me feel great =( but i dont know how to change. Im too stressed to eat and when i do eat a lil something my stomach KILLS nd i feel like im gonna die. Oddly enough i kinda like it though? i like puttin myself through this. Argh * im sooo fucked in the head. skldjfhglskjdglsdjkfg. I dont know what to do =( Current Mood:  restlessCurrent Music: paRt Of me -- Linkin paRk <3 |
| 10:08p | I told my friend Will, who lives in Canada (sigh) but may be the only person that I really care about that I cut on Halloween. I saved the conversation to put in here. Please don't say anything bad about him after you read this. Even if he does get upset with me sometimes (all have been my fault), I would appreciate if no one said anything hurtful I mean everyone does have their opinions, but that would probably make me more upset than i already am. All he knew before was that I cut once in September. ( Read more... ) There was another conversation but it was basically just like me saying you are the only person that i would be willing to stop for. and he was like your too kind. ps-i watched the dr. phil show. Found it odd how i could hear about cutting but not watch a woman pull out her hair...And it made me want to cut more. But i didn't and haven't since halloween. I seriously thought i was going to lose Will as a friend tonight. I want to keep my promise. The urges are bad though. I even asked one of my friends if he had a sharp metal object today. I know i have to stop for myself, even though i like the pain, even though i really just started. I don't want to stop really, but I'd probably do something drastic if i ever lost Will as a friend. And i know it's better for my mental and psychological health anyway... ~tracy~ Current Mood:  distressed |
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