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Saturday, October 30th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:21a | False Friends and depression... Pretty depressed right now. I was doing slightly ok but I just got into a fight with one of my friends, Kim, who is supposed to be my best friend. Yeah, nice how that works out. She just broke up with 'her boyfriend'. I don't know if you can call him that. He was just using her to get action. And I was like I could have told you that. She doesn't even give me the time of day anymore. She never calls or anything. So do you expect me to be like 'I'm sorry to hear that. Do you need a hug?' NO!!! Fuck you. We used to be best friends. She couldn't even bother to call me on my birthday. That was September 4th, but still... I would've cared if she was getting used by her boyfriend if she had given a shit about me, but no one every does because I'm that worthless. Seriously, do I have any friends, really? No, not Americans, one in Canada, if you can even count that. I feel so worthless. It sucks that it's 12 in the morning also, because I can't go into the bathroom and cut and even if I could cut, I don't have a sharp enough razor. I'm trying to stay away from using other objects, because people don't normally keep steak knives in their bathroom. So alas, stuck with the razors that don't work... I'm ready to cry. I already did slightly..it doesn't help. I was actually going to tell Kim that I cut, but than that would spoil my cutting, because she would probably tell another 'friend' Becky, who would tell my sister, who would tell my mom. So that's out of the question, and I like how the pain or even anticipation of it makes me feel. I just like that it makes me feel in general. God, I'm so worthless. I was even going to ask one of my friends to steal an extra clean unused razor from his mom, so maybe that would be sharper and I could cut. I was reading the links in the user info for this community and some of it was like this may make you want to cut more, and it was right because i did want to cut afterwards, but i didn't. And I still want to cut. To claudia_gashes: I live in New Jersey. And I think British accents are cool lol. And thanks for the tip about the razors. I'll do that. I was trying to find pictures of other people's cuts today. Just random pictures of self-injury. Couldn't find any. Is that weird that I was looking for some? Oh well, I don't care. ~tracy~ Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: My Chemical Romance-I'm Not Okay (I Promise) |
| 12:41a | My grandpa is dying. So, I haven't updated for awhile. Everything is going up and down. Adam and me are dating now, finally, but my grandpa Weldon is in the hospital dying. I don't want him to die, he's my favorite grandpa. He's dying because a while back he had a knee surgery, well something happened and it got infected, being my grandpa and independent (wonder where I got that from...) he was too stubborn to go to the doctor. Infection got worse, so it worked its way up to his heart, which he had 4 bypass surgury on, so its like tearing at his heart. It's so sad, he can't speak, except when he's like in pain he goes, "oh god, take me now please!" and they are giving him 4 doses of oxycotton of the pain every 5 hrs. It's so sad, I love him so much. I know that he's dying and I want to spend every minute with him, but I can't. I'm scared to go around him, I remember when my grandma died of cancer, she was so yellow. I had nyghtmares about her coming back to get me. I wish my grandpa wasn't in so much pain, its so sad, I love him... "Till death do we part, forever in my heart....you'll be..." Current Mood: He's dying... Current Music: my breathing.... |
| 11:08a | why why do i forgive so easily? chase was drunk so he starts talking about stuff he didn't know about, saying things that weren't true, I end up cutting myself because of it. And i forgive him, we're still friends. geez, I'm weak. |
| 1:40p | i havent posted here in a while... heres the update. my mom found the towel that was drenched in blood from my suicide attempt a loooooooooobg timne ago, i even told her that it was *this cut* and she was like, ok, it was a long time ago then. but she doesnt know it was a suicide attempt. my doc gave me a new drug. for my anxiety attacks. i have more of an anxiety disorder than depression. but ever since i've been on lexapro, well- every since lexapro stopped working, i've been thinking about suicide more frenquently. i'll keep this short since i know ppl hate reading loooong posts. Current Music: Black bird- beatles |
| 8:54p | im breaking down i cant fucking take this anymore. i cant i cant i cant. i was with him for 7 months and hes been with her for one and he loves her. he LOVES her! yesterday was bad i cut about ten times and then carved the word love into one leg and the word hat einto the other. love ended up being on the same leg as broken. it bleed alot to. i found that ironic...i hat ehow hes the reason i cut. it makes em angry..i hate that i dont hate him and most of all i hate that he doesnt care... i wrote this about him/us/ her. i dunno let me know what you guys think so this is where im breaking im breaking down and im finding it hard to breath but this just doesnt feel real im slowing falling apart at the seems and i want to hate you so badly its your fault im broken falling to peices and you tell her that you love her do you say that to all the girls? i know im nothing special babe but i thought i was special to you things got to far we were together just a tad to long and i know i get boring sometimes but man did you ever drop me like a bad habit i thought that look in your eyes was love did i ever call that one wrong it was just your eyes glazed over from the lack of attention you were paying to me the way you held me talked to me well it was all the bigger plan anything to get me in bed right babe? i fell in love with you but this... this wasnt my fault your the one who tripped me you made me belive you loved but you didnt. im getting angryer with every god damn breath i take and every fucking time i see you with that bitch did i say bitch?i mean her i wish youd choke and die i hope shes everything you were looking for everything im not and i know my blue eyes dont compare to her brown ones and her dark hair is so much prettyer then might light and i wish that you would feel 1 tenth of what i feel hurt half as much as i do i wish i hated you 1000 times more then i love you Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: the revival |
| 8:57p | ...so alone... hey people im new here and well ive been cutting for a long time but not very seriously i do have a series of scars over my arms. But at the moment stuff with my parents has got so bad and ive just been dumped by my bf of 2 years. Im anti depressents and seeing a councellor but nothings working. I just feel like nothing could get worse. I have a problem i dnt know if any of you relate to i like to see blood however i usually am too afraid to cut to deep as people might notice more. anywho as ive been rambling on for ages im off i just wondered if anyone had any advice on alternatives to cutting. muchly appreciated.... x-sarah-x Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: from first to last |
| 10:19p | Clouded streets are cleared away, one by one.. I hate writing obituary's. Well, I didn't exactly write it, but I had to type it for my dad. It is so sad, this man that I looked up to is now broken down. He has tears in his eyes now, all day today he did nothing but break down and cry. My grandpa died today this morning at 9:35. I went to bed at 5 and she woke me up as soon as my grandma called, so I got about 4 hours give or take a few minutes and babysit the brats all day till 8. So tired, so grumpy. I yelled at Adam today and didn't mean it. I feel so hurt that my grandpa left me. I really loved him, I always went to him when my mom would call me names, I remember when I was little, I would sit on his lap and pretend everything would go away. But now there is no one to protect me from those bad things I want. I miss him so much. His funeral is Monday, its too soon, he needs to keep breathing the air, he needs to keep feeling the sunshine, I know he can't literally, but its just the thought. God, I want to just skin myself alive, all of this I can't take it. I promised Adam I would try to hold off for 2 months, but I doubt it will happen. I want to so bad right now, I wanted to hang up on him and just do it, but I couldn't. I really like this guy, I keep hoping he'll be different then the rest, but with my luck, he'll be the same. Aren't they always the same? *Imagine that theres no heaven, its easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only sky. Imagine all the people, living for today....you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...* -Imagine, by John Lennon Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: Imagine- A perfect Circle |
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