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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 5:08p | life in all it's beauty and horror so, I'm doing ok i guess. scarred, but, i haven't cut for 3 weeks, 4 days. obsessed with looking at pictures of other ppl's cuts, and reading about other ppl's struggles with cutting, but so far i haven't permanently myself. Kinda hard, though, last thursday i bruised my arm REALLY badly, so i've had to wear longsleeves in the heat, no rolling them up. chatting with tony last night, talking about how he should come this summer.I hope to god he does. it is so hard to love someone who is so far away. |
| 5:44p | hmm today was okay i guess but i got home and went on MSN.. and now i'm totaly confused... becuase my ex b/f wanted a women and shit.. abd so iw as gunna find him one so 2nite ( sry i'm using slag and stuff) and hes like umm id on't care it dosn't matter and i'm lielk oh really hm i have an ugre to find you one.. awh well hm wahts up? and heg ose you don't have to look very far dana. and i go really? and he gose yes, as soon as u figure out what i said you'll be ready and i'm liek ready for what? and then he gose you'll knwo when you figure it out... and so now i'm totaly confuse di talked to one of my friends about it.. and she said i should go look in the mirror.. but i'm confused.. then i started ot cry and i went and cut.. I carved a <3 it's so pretty... my blood like hasn't stopped and i did it about 45 mins ago.. hmm i love it.... so now i have a heart and FTW (fuck the world) carved on my wrists... i'm off bye confused and upset -Dana p.s. I read my friends journal and she said something like i think Alex and dana might behooked up agian er somehting.. i wonde rif she knows something i don't Current Mood: upset Current Music: Something Coroprate |
| 6:06p | ya, well everything went ok today except for when I went online this guy I noe kept asking me whut I did with this other guy at lunch and I said that it was my business and he didn't need to noe. Then he starts hounding me and saying that I'm all talk and that I'm such a bitch, player, whutever and I told him that: H:"it's not your life and u don't need to be involved with everyone else's just cause urz sucks" A:"mines doens t suck so shut up i was jsiut asking cuz u tol dme u were deprived and if i came to the dance ...so yaz i was a little confused y u were nice than meen again" H:"cause i don't need you anymore" A:"so the dildos worked than so ur hope does come with bateries???than?" H:"you noe wut it's ppl like you that lead me to cut, i don't need ur shit ontop of the shit i get in when i go to therapy plus my rents ontop of that" A:"fuckups get a fuck up life faget cutter ur a wanna sucidale person POSER!!!!! so go fuck youer dildo cock sucker so i givve a shit aboujt u and cutting ur self ass's get wats cuming to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BITCH" H:"YOU WANNA SEE MY MUTHERFUCKING ARMS BITCH! I'LL SHOW YOU WHUT REAL PAIN IS!" A:"you wouldnt no pain if someone shoved your head up your ass" H:"w/e i don't need to take ur shit" so there goes being cut free for a week. Right down the drain like the blood from my arms. Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: |
| 6:36p | First post This is my first time posting in here. My name's Tracy. I'm 17. I'm bipolar and very depressed most of the time. I don't really feel like I have anyone. I started cutting not too long ago. I first cut myself when I was 15 on my arm, but waited a few months before I did it again because I didn't want to get addicted to it. It was a very small cut and not deep, but my friend grabbed my arm in the middle of math class to look at my arm anyway. I recently told my 'friends' (if you can call them that), that i'm bisexual, and ever since then, one of them decides to bring it up every chance that he gets. He knows that it hurts me but he doesn't care. He told me that he hates me today, and that I should get a hysterectamy because if I were to have kids they would be ugly as hell. I've been called probably every name that a person can think of, including a tramp which I'm not. I cut myself on September 23rd, and hadn't done it since. But for a few weeks now, I have wanted to just let loose and cut. I tried yesterday, and I couldn't get my razor to cut. I tried again today, and the same thing happened. It's like child proof or something. I mean they shave, and if I could actually get myself to bleed, then I would make sure that my legs are bare of hair before I do it. Just for the sake of not having hairy legs, because yeah, I hate that feeling. Anyway... I can't get the razor to cut and I just want to bleed, even if it is not that much. I just want to feel something. Before I was trying to cut, yesterday and today, I got this orgasmic feeling, but not enough to have an actual orgasm. Is that weird? The only thing that the razor did was make indents. And I can't go out and buy razors myself because I'm not able to drive, as in, I didn't pass my vision test to get my permit. It's so frustrating. I wrote a poem about cutting, but that doesn't help me because I want to be able to feel it. I don't know if I would go deep, and I would stay away from my arms, but that's just because I have been to counseling once and don't want to go back. I don't cut for attention, I do it for my own reasons, just so no one thinks I'm doing it to try and be cool or for attention or something. I'm sure that there are people out there like that, and I'm not accusing any of you of being like that, I'm just saying, that to get attention is not why I do it. I have slight self-control, but don't want to anymore... I want to bleed... ): ~tracy~ Current Mood:  discontentCurrent Music: The Surreal Life on VH1 |
| 7:12p | im breaking down i wrote this today. i dunno let me know what you think. sorry about the spelling/gramatical errors my computer wouldnt let me spell check it. i can feel my pulse quickening and my breathing is coming closer together as these tears threaten to spill from there blockade and i cant let them, i refuse to let them. so i break down to the ways i have come to know so well. i was so foolish to belive i could ever be free from the pain im harboring. and i need some sort of release. im breaking out the razors again. Scissors, knives rubberbands. wont you take your pick? im pressing this blade to my skin. im dragging this across my body. pushing harder with each stroke and these cuts are littering my body. Bruises are forming from cutting so many times and my ribs are sore from the marks ive left on them. my wrists once so pure, so white. They are now littered with the lines of my frustrasion. My thighs, oh if you could see them. What beautiful artwork i have turned my body into. Lines in neat little rows and X's next to crisscrosses. My body is my canvas, these blades are my brushes, my blood the paint that will convey my pain. Im turning senslessnes into sense. im tunring to unlivable into livable. im making this something i can comprehend and slowly my beating heart will return to normal. this labored breathing will become quite like my thought. im once again at peace even though i know, its only a matter of time before i mark myself up again. -Jay Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: Chasing Monroe |
| 9:53p | one of my poems Cells by MH. detached from and hating the worthless collection of faults deeply flawed remnant of something once beautiful but the damage is permanent and all that is left hungers for poison stumbling through the gate of the final solution ---------------- yeah, it's pretty much me saying what i think of myself, please comment. Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: "take you on a cruise"-interpol |
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