!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
| Time |
Event |
| 4:08p |
Things I wish i could say:
Jaymee,
How could you leave me like you did? You dont call someone a best friend for nothing. Even after I went out of my way to take you to a concert that I konw you'd give an arm and leg to go to, not to meantion paid for YOUR part of the hotel $$ AND your part of the gas money, and you still dont give a shit. I haven't heard from you since then. And you know what? I dont need you. Thanks so much for being suck a fucking sucky ass friend. Why dont you go fuck Adam and get pregnant you poor fucking whore. Cause that's just what the world needs: poor, dumbass fucks reproducing. I hate you.
Brittnee,
You are soooo fake and you fucking know it. Quit trying to be so holy and honorable because you're nothing but a habitual liar, mooch and a dumbass. Dont ever ask to borrow anything from me again cause I'm never loaning you anything again. Grow a personality and some of your OWN morals and stop trying to be like everyone else. You say you dont believe in the word POSER, but thats only because you fucking ARE one. Thanks also, for being a fucking great friend, you bitch.
Mom,
why do you always have to try to understand everything?? Some things arent meant to be understood. Some things are just meant to be accepted... and I'm one of those things. I honestly and sincerely can NOT help it the way that I act emotionally... and it hurts because you just think that I am making things WAY bigger than they should be. You dont understand that I dont mean to. I want to be normal more than anything. But i cant. And you need to STOP making things worse and just accept that I'm a fuck up.
....sorry you guys. But I'm so stressed. I feel so freakin worthless... and its because all of my friends have all decided to just forget about me completely.... and you'd think that I'd get over this after two months. but no. I'm sooo freakin lonely and its not easy to stop cutting when I feel like this... Jaymee and Brittnee came over to borrow the camera, which if it were up to me I would tell em to go fuck off... but its not. They are still my sisters friends and my mom likes them... so they did. And just having both of them in my house while I was sitting right there, they didnt say ANYTHING to me at all. No "hi." no nothing. They wouldnt give a flying fuck if i died.. and thats what I want to do. Because thats what they make me feel like doing. I hate myself so much because if I had any guts I'd just take a bunch of sleeping pills or slice my fucking wrists deep enough... but i cant.
I want to. But i dont want to. Because I'm trying to get better. I have a shrink and she's really nice and she understands everything... but i want to show everyone what they've done to me. and that I hate them. AHH. god.. i hate them. i hate them all and i wish they could know what kind of pain i go through..... | | 8:28p |
Ok so I've got this friend named John right and he's all like how are you and your wrists today ha ha? like its a fucking joke! I told him that i didn't cut today because nothing happened to lead me to cutting. He's all like well if you cut i cut and shit trying to talk me out of vutting for good and whatever like he understands what I'm going through which he so doesn't! god I hate it when ppl try to understand what I'm going thru. This is really starting to piss me off. I might cut tonight just to feel some sense of control in my life. | | 9:38p |
Something interesting happened today...it kind of shocked me, I didn't see it coming. I went to McDonald's with my mom and sisters and they were sitting down around the corner from the register while I went to get my drink refilled. I was in line behind these three guys that were typical goth-ish guys. They were talking and one of them pulled up the sleeve of his black Metallica sweatshirt to show rows and ROWS of cuts.
The part that was shocking was just that it was a McDonald's and he just...showed people. It was surprising. I've never seen anybody show off their cuts before, except one girl that may or may not be depressed but just craves the attention. And never, ever have I seen so many cuts just spread out...it made me wonder if his parents know because there's no freaking way he could hide it all the time.
And my final thoughts on the matter were how good they looked. How I could do that, and I could do that better. It's been 20 weeks and 6 days. Wow...5 months. I hadn't counted until now.
I'm still a little flustered about the whole thing. I feel good. I've been taking my meds almost religiously. I am happy here. So why do I want to cut? | | 9:57p |
Today is my birthday
Yep today I started my eighteenth year. Nothing special. Nothing at all. I dont feel any older. I got a puppy and jewelry and a jacket and other fun things.
Unfortunately, this was the worst birthday ever. Yep it even beats being in a psychiatric ward. Yep it even beats getting caught cutting for the first time. Yep it even beats finding out that my dad is a man whore, none the less with my best friends *married* mother. and most of all it beats getting ur dress pulled down in front of a hot guy when you are 13 on a cruise in the bahamas only for him to find out you stuffed ur bra.
Yep nothing happened today on my birthday. I played with my cat and hoped she'd scratch my wrists so i wouldnt have to do it myself. but all i got out of it was scratches on the tops of my hands. I'm not going to cut. I cannot cut on my birthday, its selfish and wrong.
I have yet to convince my parents that I have leukemia. which i know i do. I know that sounds selfish as well, but i have all of the symptoms. but i mean im not skinny. so yeah. one symptom i dont have.
Every guy i swear either thinks im a whore and wants nothing to do with me or thinks im a whore and wants to hook up with me cuz so they can enjoy it. Let me get this straight. I am not a whore. I dont have permisciuous sex or anything close to that. Please just let me live my life for the 140 school days until i graduate and then you can talk all the shit you want. please please please
Anyone who can help me please.... help? anything.... |
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