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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 4:34p | God fucking damn it all I know its been forever since I have written in here, I wanted to try and quit for me and I needed to remove myself for the bad feelings and graphic things said in here, thats why I did it, but i guess im back now lol Okay so things were kick ass, I was single again, and happy about the break up, I met my fave band The Used, and god it was cool, I had it all in a way, my friends were not to bad and I wasnt letting liek anything get to me....Then it went to shit, and has been falling ever s ince, ONe of my "friends" confronted the fact Im poor, live in an apartment, my mom chain smokes and she claims makes minimum wage, she was like "You shoudl be lucky to be in the math class, its a chance to let you pass, or you should drop out if you cant take it," So I was liek "MAYBE I WILL" she was all "Then youll end up like your mom, making miniumum wage the rest of your life chain smoking living in an....an....apartment" and I was like "an apartment, Yeah so what? whats your point, IM POOR I KNOW IT. my mom makes ahella lot more than minimum wage" Yeah anyways I couldnt do or say anything else so I just closed my eyes and with my fingers traced my wrist and pictured this huge gash opening up and as the first drop of blood rolled down my wrist, a tear ran down my cheek, then more and I was crying in my math class to myself and no one saw the hand thing, But I wished so bad that day. Anyways Eventually in my psychology class I was like "Ya know what FUCK THAT, I can afford wherew I live, youve moved 3 times in the past 6 months to places you cant afford so stfu" and yeah got thrown out of class, and just my best friend is gay (lesbian or whatever) and is ditching me for the gay croud, I dont mind since her new gf looks like a fucking 12 year old boy, she makes me vomit now, she puts a picture of her and her shirt off with a tiny bit of boob showing on myspace, I mean god. She started smoking and all this and Now that I stopped drinking, smoking, doing drugs and shit Im the bad one, not bad one but everyone downs me on it. The guy that I like doesnt really liek me or he does but he likes more than me and just ughhh a lot of stuff is happening in my life, my mother hates me, I have a feeling Im gonna kill myself I swear its sucks beyond belief and I cant take it anymore, I honestly cant. I try to get away from the bad things in life and all around me is this negativity. My mom told my psyh med guy or w.e he is that we no longer are going to see him...that was the only one who I could sit in a comfy chair and talk to...even tho I hated to. at times it was comforting when I had no one else in the world...even sitting their telling him nothing was wrong. Idk maybe Im just feeling hated and used and fucking un loved and lost but whatever it is, is making me wish I was dead more and more each day. Oh and yeah chemistry today My chem teacher used bi polar people as a ionci bonding thing, she says bipolar people are like multiple personalities but only two and all this and I was sop pissed, I felt like taking scissors and jamming them into her stomach (shes pregnant) And then I was mad at myself for thinking that way, thats kinda sick ya know So I was liek fuck it Id do it to myself, just impale myself right them and there, but some guy was just staring at me and asked for them so I blankly stared and handed them over. Idk...People keep saying they are thru with their lives and shit And last night I blew up at thius guy I know I was like FUCK YOU! You fucking fake God I hate you! All you do is say how bad your life is when you have everythign you ever wanted and shit and I was like Yeah Ya know what, remember slice down not across, trust me the first cut is the worst, it hurts but the rest wont Oh wait for me they dont hurt at All I do that shit every night and he was kinda freaked but I couldnt stop, I was so psychotic, I went on about the blood and in details and I flashed pictures and yeah it was crazy and I feel like thats the real me....The cutter who was never found about. I dont know what the fuck I am now. **SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I NEEDED THIS TO RANT** |
| 5:47p | Just joined I started cutting when i was about 9 years old Basically, since then, i screwed up my life to the point where i was doing drugs, walking the streets at 3am in the morning and really just sinking deeper and deeper in to the abyss. All due to a terrible childhood that i'd rather forget about than remember for the rest of my life. I was able to stop myself from doing the cutting about a year ago, and things seemed to be going really well; i was actually becoming happier than i'd ever been, but lately the urge is coming back. Since starting college and moving on with my life i'm becoming even lonlier than ever, and every night i sit up in insomnia thinking about what i would write in a suicide note. i don't mean to, but the thought just keeps coming in to my head. None of my friends know anything about my past or my feelings and the fact that i can't trust any of them with my secrets (they would consider them just another topic to discuss with everyone else) is making my feel like i'm alone in this world. I'm craving for some sort of comfort, and at the moment that comfort is the knife. I havn't given in, but every day i want to. I don't want to go back again, but i can't help it. |
| 8:44p | you know, this sucks. Im living just cuz im afraid to hurt my family. i know that they'd be very sad if i'd commit suicide... :/ i am so dumb. help. can i destroy my life? make me think that i should not care about them. im tired. thats the problem. but i need someone who would tell me - do as you wish. i just need to hear those words. so i could be free from life. Current Mood:  annoyedCurrent Music: Echo&the bunnymen - The killing moon |
| 8:55p | If you throw up the lose weight how long does it take to notice the change. I kno its not relaly a good question to ask people who cut themself, becasue im sure some other people have problems like this. But still... I havnt cut in like a week i havent really done much oir seen people to get like i need to cut my arm is almost all better again, which is good and sad in another way... but you kno whatever.... Stay strong all |
| 9:49p | this is silent_tearss.. i got deleted. ugh i hate this username *silent_tears_xo*.. so im prolly gunna be chnaging it soon.. .. okay thatss all.. im gunna go comment ppls entries. <3 nicole - ill try to put in my own entry laterr. Current Mood:  cold |
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