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Monday, October 18th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 4:43p | hey hey Hey everyone. I'm feeling pretty good. It's weird... bc i've noticed that tony and katie and brittnee... and all my old friends (etc) only complicated my life... and now that they're gone... its all good!! Even though I do miss the good time we had and everything... And when I see them... I feel like shit. But its okay. I kinda feel like I dont need friends (except you laney :D) and its kind of alright. The only time it sucks is when I have nothing to talk about to laney bc I never do anything over the weekends... or when ppl are talking about what they did and I realize that I've stayed home yet another weekend and accomplished hardly anything... But I suppose the accomplishing hardly anything isnt true. I write like there's no tomorrow and bc of all my free time I've been able to write up to 6 chapters in this book that I'm working on.. which is a cool thing... And.. I've worked on new graphics and stuff. I dunno. I haven't cut in like... 2 weeks or something like that... prolly only a week n a half... but whatever. I've been tempted to, especially since its getting cold and so i can wear long sleeves and not look suspicious... but i dunno. it's almost like I haven't really had time to sit down and dwell on things... whatever,,, Anyway... hope things are okay with all of you. I wish you the best. Later Current Mood:  geekyCurrent Music: tightrope - oleander |
| 5:16p | so i was sitting in free period today and just randomly got really freakin excited, like so bad my hands were shaking, and then i started feeling tears coming on, so i went in the bathroom and cut and got all high from it. lol it was great i felt like a drug addikt...but yeah. thats all. hope you all are doing well. <3 - @isLing - Current Mood:  ecstaticCurrent Music: tlc:girltalk |
| 8:33p | It was awful. My friend and I went into Hot Topic, and they were selling fake tatoos of scars. Cutting scars. I just stood there, looking at them, thinking: How can anyone promote something so addicting? So painful? I honestly didn't understand. And then the lady at the counter mocked the whole thing, saying, "It's not like it's serious, you can stop any time you want." Speak for yourself. I crave it. Need it. Want it. See the blood form a perfect line on my wrist. Feel the pain that I can make. Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: The Killers- All These Things That I've Done |
| 9:39p | Not again. I'm cutting again. I don't know why. It started with an artistic moment - I wanted a star on me - so I cut it. Then it led to another, then another. Now I'm back. I can't say I'm upset about it. After all, I like cutting....but I DO feel bad, because I quit for God, so now what? I guess I'm turning my back on Him? But I really don't mean to...... -Alli Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: AFI - Sing the Sorrow |
| 11:10p | warning----this is fucked up...and probably makes no sense All I want in life is to be happy. It seems funny to me. How fucked things can be. Everytime I get ahead. I feel more dead. i fucking had this all fucking written and i had part of corys conversation in this fucking thing and it fucking doesnt work?? is that supposed to improve my fucking mood???? today has been so fucking fucked up. i talked to cory and it was good-field hockey was fucking freezing...ok wait no i talked to cory and it was mostly good then i started to get on his case about him and ev bein all close and buddy buddy and stuff and the only fucking response i got from him was ::click:: and then i had to call him back and apologize for what? me being concerned? marge should i not fucking be concerned??? my fucking boyrfriend and "best friend" (which she is NOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah but anyways it was like..."so, whats stressing you the most?" "i unno" "friends, boyfriends...(like i have 5 of them or something) school..?" "school i guess-can you pass the butter" ::passes butter:: "what about school...?" just kind of amusing id say. i couldnt hardly explain nothing without laughing because it was like ok-explain what it felt like to be inside the womb. you cant. no matter what you fucking cant. yeah you can imagine...you can think (dirty, bloody thoughts) but you still dont know. what makes you unhappy? i cant really say. cant pinpoint one fucking thing. i can tell you whats bugging me...i can say what i worry about...but whats wrong? that...i cant really answer. i even told my mom....she was like "well i feel like i should be the oneyou trust, that you can talk to the most, yet i feel like you confide in me the least" and i said "mom. i dont confide in anyone" and then she talked about a psychiatrist or a psychologist and i said "what would they do??" and in my head, i screamed get me on get me one! and i said they dont help and they dont keep secrets-all in all they just gonna damn right fuck things up is what i think...even tho i want one...its just like one of those things i contradict myself with i suppose. so after that we discussed uncle jeff a bit and my anger just built and then i went out with jeff and got starbucks and drove for like an hour in his car while he talked with audrey- i got real scared for a bit cuz he was so fucking angry and i thought that he might crash or something...i was just scared he was gonna get out of control or hit me or something. amusing...but so frightening...and i was proud because at the end, i even denied a hug from him because if anything, i want cory to always know that i love him and that i wouldnt do that just cuz of him-otherwise id give jeff a hug, one, as comfort, and two, to make him happy because its never really about me-its about making him happy or cory happy or evelyn happy or whoever the fuck it is happy-thats what its about...and today i just got sick of that and when i tried to express it i just caused fucking drama and fucking problems and it wa all cuz of me.... i just want to fucking slash my arms apart-just fucking slice them open all over...i feel so guilty about so many things...cory was afraid i was gonna fucking break up with him and then he got pissed at me...i just want to fucking cry. but crying is weakness...just as getting help is weakness to me...and the only solution is pain:pain is weakness leaving the body....i just want to rip the fucking skin off my fucking arms to show how i fucking feel...to show how much fuicking pain im in but i have no one to help me no one to talk to...no ones there for me and im there for fucking everyfuckingbody fucking else. what the fuck. then i told cory i was writing...talking to people aboutcutting and he flipped shit about it because theres few things i dont hide or lie about (...or at least am slightly more straightforward about) and thats promising to not cut and trust. i dont trust anyone and ill never fucking again promise to not cut cuz its fucking crap. everything is fucking crap im so fucking fed up with this world if i fucking died everything would fucking be better...one of these days ill finally be able to fucking do it...and maybe then everyone will perk up a little...and everyone will smile a little more...because marge, then no one will fucking have to deal with me ever fucking again. Goodbye, cruel world I'm leaving you today Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, all you people There's nothing you can say To make me change my mind Goodbye oh how i wish this right now. i havent wanted to die this fucking bad since steamboat. Current Music: korn, baby |
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