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Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:37a | *sigh* looking for my shooting star wondering just where you are dreaming of you and thinking of the magical things you do to me whether or not you know just how i care for you so wishing on that star that you could take me away and hold me tight hoping that the day would come when your love would banish the night i wish i knew what i was feeling right now sometimes it's emptiness mostly it's pain feeling that there is nothing left in this world to gain i only dream of a day when i can walk away from this hateful bite the red welt on my arm my hip my leg my wrist would silence all the doubts i have if i were worthy of your love but then i think if i were, what then would it make it all go away nothing can silence the words in my head i feel no more just wish for your light that you could circle me in your arms and make it all disappear feeling a smile upon my lips the first in many a year this is for jonathan, the man i love, and cullen, the man who has held my hand through all of my scars, and keeps me sane in the darkest of days. i know it's just ramble-y stuff, but that's my life, so enjoy <3 jen Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: at your funeral - saves the day |
| 10:57a | This weekend has been hard, saterday i really needed someone to tlak to me about what is goin on. But as i see it here, im alone. My mom is a huge bitch, it hurts bc she doesnt care. And makes it so hard for me to go on with my life. She is whats wrong with me, my dad who is sooo depressed right now. My mom who treats me like crap, my brother/sister who treats me like shit to. Same with my sister, i cry nonstop. I go home and cry, fuck i hate life right now. but then again i remember what i have. |
| 11:12a | When I am queen they all will see, the Patron Saint of Self-Injury I haven't been doing much really. The other day I went to my nans before went to see adam, and my nan was in bed with an oxygen mask thing on,I was scaed. Since her operation, she has a tube coming outof her stomach, properly- like out of the skin. I didn't look, it was horrible. And the day after when I went with my best frined to get her tattoo, I was ok, but the evening we went bowling, I felt so shit, I just wanted to be alone and cry. I stayed at my nas that night. I didn't want to, cos I was scared for her, but I felt bad for not...so I stayed. I have generally felt ok recently, except at the weekend. I haven't cut recently, my last one is nearly healed, it was quite deep I think, I can't actually remember doing it. I went to counselling the other day, which was weird. It was weird talking aobut myself, I didn't know what to say. What are you meant to say, without making it sound like you are making stuff sound worse that it is. I also got an emergency app to get the morning after pill. Oh god, gotta go meet emmaaaaa Be careful, stay well Sophie x x Current Mood:  stressedCurrent Music: Antichrist Superstar- Marilyn Manson |
| 1:25p | i feel like crap and all my blades broke, so i cant cut...why the agony. i feel no courage to muster, and none of my friends know what to do. to respond to someone....which im not sure who....i have gotten caught cutting and all they did was send me to a psychiatrist. but even worse was that the person who caught me was the preist at my mothers church, he came over for "COFFEE" or something of the sort and yea....so that sux big ass. anyway, life sux and im clueless, anyone know how to end my misery...let me know K? luvs. Katelyn Current Mood: touched from pain. Current Music: only the music little Emily plays. |
| 1:37p | got it from a friend, thought it would be cool to post, with everyone else. if you want you can too. 1. How long have you been harming yourself? two years. 2. Where do you harm yourself? arms, wrists and stomach(which is slowly stopping.) 3. What do you use? whatever i can find at the moment, usually scissors, pocketknife, razor blades 4. How willing are you to talk about self-harm with other sufferers? okay, as long as i dont know them personally 5. How do you react after you've done it? relieved, then shameful and scared someone will notice. but mostly relieved 6. Do people know about your SH'ing? besides my current girlfriend, we kindof do it togeather after we fight but thats it. 6b. If so, has anyone ever said something to you about it? What did they say? one of my ex girlfriends noticed but she didn't say anything because i know that she didnt want to get involved too much. And the other girl im not very close to about personal things, so i havent talked about it. 7. Do you feel SH is a good or a bad thing? i know its not good, but i do it sometimes 8. Do you harm more at any particular time during the day, or just whenever you get the urge? whenever i get the urge 9. What triggers you to SH? when im lonely, or when i cant take it all, and theres no one there to care... 10. How often do you harm? depends on how stressed i am, it can be several times a week, or maybe once every week or two. 11. Do you think you have a problem? not really.... 12. Do you feel you need to stop? no, im not really addicted yet, i think i can still control it 13. Are you seeking help, or are you in therapy/counselling, etc? no 13b. Do you have someone to talk to about your SH? no one. :-( 14. Have you ever felt suicidal? honestly, yes. 15. Do you express yourself creatively, ie. writing, singing, playing an instrument, art? i play guitar and i like to paint and draw, very artisticy....i guess. 16. Do you have any cutting rituals? no 17. *Roughly* how old are you? 16 18. Do you suffer with any other mental health issues such as depression, eating disorders? i have an eating disorder and 'they' believe that i am psychotic..or so i have been told... Current Mood:  crappy |
| 5:36p | So i cut last night about 8 times really deeply with a glass, and stupidly i let my form tutor see it by accident:( She was like omg lucy ... what have you done?? she made me go and see a councilor and talk about it ... i suppose it kind of helped, but i fee really dirty. i don't know what to do what if peope find out what will they say? will they think i'm some head case? oh i don't know ... is there anybody that has cut and been found out if so how did you deal with it, and can you give me some advice??? lucy xxxxx Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: Taking Back Sunday |
| 7:09p | relapse we brok eup. nine months tgomorrow. and i ended it. relapse. im so upset. we have to get back together. this was a mistake. relapse. oh no. |
| 8:18p | "Sick" And the thing that sucks most of all is that I'm supposed to go on a trip out of town tomorrow with all my friends to see Macbeth...But if I have a fever tomorrow morning, I won't be able to go. Every muscle in my body is aching and the whole left side of my body is numb. Thing is, I know what caused it. I'm anemic, which basically means having an unnaturally low blood count; have been since I began cutting four years ago. Every so often, I have an attack; I'll pass out or my vision will blur or my limbs will go numb - like having your circulation entire cut off. It usually happens after I cut. I've cut nine times these last four days. Current Mood: worriedCurrent Music: Another Suitcase |
| 9:07p | i feel dirty ... i cut last night, and i feel ashamed ... i don't know why i'm doing this ... but i am i'm worried incase anybody else finds out about the SH WHAT IF THEY DO? i cant get that thought out my head ... what will peope think of me. i have a reputation Lucy the happy girl ... shes so perfect ... and i'm not ... i'm living a lie. does anybody have any advice about what to say to people if they do find out?? Lucy xx Current Mood: distressedCurrent Music: Taking Back Sunday |
| 9:10p | I try to stop. More for their sake than for mine. I make the promise to stop, and I intend to keep it. But then something happens that makes it impossible, well, not impossible but extremely hard for me to not cut. I've tried throwing out my razors and knives. I always end up getting new ones. I'm sorry I've failed. |
| 9:50p | Well, this is my first post here.... So I guess I'll tell you about me... Uhm... I've been cutting for about six months now. I started cutting when I found out *from no one other than my friggin mother* that she was having an affair. She basically bragged about it to me... So, I took my anger for her out on my delicate skin. It wasn't a lot, or very deep at all.. That continued for about two months. Then, summer came, and things improved.. I stopped cutting, considering it wasn't really worth it anymore, and I totally forgot about it. Then, one night, I finally told my one friend that I used to do it and that I didn't anymore, and I started, well, craving it. So, I started again the next night. And I've been ever since. I cut when I'm depressed, when I'm angry, when I'm bored, even when I'm fucking happy. It's weird; you don't think about it as you do it and think to yourself that maybe if someone sees it, then they'll care, but then you're out in public or whatever, and you're paranoid that someone's going to see it and send you to the hospital. It's the weirdest thing... So my mom is still having her little affair *with more than one guy* and I'm still cutting... In fact, she's there right now. But I can't cut for awhile, because I have to go to the doctor's, and I can't have them seeing it. 'Twould be bad. I guess that's all for now... I'm tired. Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: the ramones |
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