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Monday, October 11th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 12:29a | Just A Question Does anyone even read my blurty? I made it friends only - and most of my friends are in these communities. But if you do, can you comment - just to give me a sign or some sort, because if no ones listening, i dont see a point in writing... i sound hopeless.. |
| 12:43a | Yarg I'm trying so hard. So far, I haven't fallen yet. It's only been a week and a half, but I already feel the urges to cut almost every day. All these scars either make me happy, or make me anxious to cut more. I really want to cut more. God is holding me back, though. I'm kinda glad that He is, but I still really, really want to cut. Goodness, I need help. Stay strong, everyone. -Alli Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: 'Twas Evanescence, until I left the room. |
| 12:35p | Bored!!! I'm bored outta my mind!!! lol... I should probably go clean... or do laundry... or maybe I'll just pierce my ears again.... om my gawd... I need a life!!! I'm such a friggen boring person. I wanted to go with Kristyna, Angel, and Hannah to the pumkin patch... but NOOO... step-fucker has to be an asshole and not let me go. Fuck him. Now how am I supposed to see Hannah? I'm going on two weeks without seeing that little baby. Fuck this. Current Mood:  bitchyCurrent Music: The Doors |
| 1:17p | I'm new... So I've been reading posts in this community for a long time, but i've never joined. Now i feel like its time. I don't know what to say really. So i guess I'll just give you a little info about me. I'm 17, I've been cutting since I was 15. But even before that I would use my nails to scratch myself, or bang my head on walls. So I guess its gone on longer than that. I'm a junior in highschool. My parents are divorced. My mom isn't able to work, which is very stressful as far as money goes, but we make it. My dad helps when he feels like it. I hate to sound like I'm complaining but right now I just really need people who understand, or who can try to, without judging me....Thanks for reading. Current Mood:  sickCurrent Music: asleep-the smiths |
| 1:53p | Hey, are there any cutters that are guys out there? I'm beginning to think that guys don't really cut. So if you're a guy or you know a guy who likes to cut, then lemme know.... my best friend is a guy who cuts, and I'd like to understand it more from a guys perspective... Current Mood:  curiousCurrent Music: The Cure |
| 3:46p | Haven't posted for a while... I haven't posted in a while, haven't been able to get onto my blurty. Three weeks ago my mom found my journal and showed it to my dad. And now they want me to go through counseling or whatever. My first meeting with the counsler/pshcyatrist person is this Wednesday and I seriously like...don't know what to tell the person. I've been going through a lot with an old, previous friend and s'been sending me into this like, huge state of confusion and I seriously don't know what to do about it anymore. I've been so frustrated with my art lately, I feel like I haven't been able to draw anything at all. And I feel that like, I'm just getting worse in general with being able to handle stuff. I mean, now I start like, crying almost hysterically if I have a problem with the computer or if it's going to slow and I start crying if I can't figure out a homework problem or can't draw something the way I had it pictured. It's just all the little things I never used to get upset over are really just, getting me so upset it's ridiculous and scary. It really scares me and I don't know what to do anymore about it. Current Mood: scaredCurrent Music: X Japan--"The Last Song" |
| 7:01p | so i've just joined this community, i've been cutting for about 6 months now, and i don't really know why. it just seems everytime i'm depressed i cut. i use to have this friend who cut herself and i use to think. oh my god, how could she do that? how could she do that to herself, and now it seems i'm in the same situation she was in. i really want to stop, but i can't and i can't get help because if i tell anyone they will all think i'm crazy! also if its put on my medical records i cant teach and that is my dream job. i don't know how to deal with this, but then again does anyone?? i wish that i could tell my friends, i hate keeping secrets from them, but i don't think i could ever tell them. Well i suppose this kind of does make me emo now, i suppose i've just proven it. Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: The Used |
| 8:39p | Cutting cutting cutting.. Today I successfully hid my cuts on my knees & wrist from ym mother :) She got home from Florida around 3. I missed my mommy <33 GAHH I don't ge as much pelasure from cutting as I used to. It used to make me so happy. Now the happiness is kind of dull, lol, and I get more worried if anybody's gunna notice. GRR. But i just can't let go, I love it. Cutting is the one best friend I have that I know I will never fight with :) Alright well right now I feel fat so I'm gunna go do ome sit-ups.. Current Mood: musical lol. and bulgey Current Music: Destination Anywhere [by] Sugarcult |
| 9:33p | and its 4 am, and we will stalk again. i feel huge. am i not huge? 5'10 and 142. people say i look liek 120. i feel big. i think i look bid. real big. cant wait for the senses fail concert. i <3 them alot. only a few more days. :D!!! i wsh i could go back to when i thought i was really pretty. i had confidence than. now im scared to do things alone. i feel people watching me. i thought i got over that last year. i hate people. and i dont care what they thnk about me- but must they watch me? k-bye Current Mood: ohkay Current Music: senses fail [x] the irony of dying on your birthday |
| 9:33p | and its 4 am, and we will stalk again. i feel huge. am i not huge? 5'10 and 142. people say i look liek 120. i feel big. i think i look bid. real big. cant wait for the senses fail concert. i <3 them alot. only a few more days. :D!!! i wsh i could go back to when i thought i was really pretty. i had confidence than. now im scared to do things alone. i feel people watching me. i thought i got over that last year. i hate people. and i dont care what they thnk about me- but must they watch me? k-bye Current Mood: ohkay Current Music: senses fail [x] the irony of dying on your birthday |
| 10:04p | ..hi Man... I swear I'm having the crappiest day ever. So I got up at 9:30 and I wanted to go back to bed but i know that I shouldn't because my aunt wants me to go to her gas station and do window art... she never told me what she was going to pay me or anything... but I got dressed and went. And I get there and I do six windows in five hours.. and it totally sucked because there I am standing in the window an hour at a time getting all hot and sweaty because of the sun shining in my eyes through the freakin windows... grr.. and it made my arms and my back hurt cause I had to lean over things as I did it.. and it tooook for everrrrr.... and then Laney's friend Zac comes in and reminds about how much I miss her.. and then I was sore and grouchy... And so I'm done... and I go to get paid and find out that they are paying me $5 a window. And the windows are freakin huge. I was soooooooo pissed. So I got $30 for all that crap... not to mention that I was doing it on the inside so i had to write it allll backwards.. which I'm good at doing but after soooo long it gets really comfusing. GRR. But I took my $30 and left. So I go home.. and I wrote a lil.. blah blah. I got home at like.. 3:30 or so.. and then I wrote for about an hour. Just more ideas for my chapter story.. then I did some laundry.. blah blah. About 5 my mom says "go get some tomatoes and lettuce" and no one would come with which pissed me off bc I'm weird about doing anything alone. But I went anyway. So I'm backing into the driveway bc I have to turn around bc we live on a dead end, and my freakin sister tried to back out right as Im backing in. and Im all "duh. freakin dumbass" but I didnt say it.. and then so I'm pulling out.. and I didnt give myself enough room to turn bc theres a car on the other side of the road.. so I have to back up a little more. BUT I CANT bc my freakin sister decided that she want to get out before me and freakin pulls out right behind me and I cant move and she cant move and all that I'm thinking is "cant you wait your freakin turn you freakin dumbass!!?!?!?!!?" But I didnt say it... THEN OMG. she freakin pulls out and around me in her tiny little ass car and speeds down the fucking road. AHH. I was soooooo pisssed!!!!!!! But I let it go..... And I'm driving down the freaking road and see a car coming my way on the other side of the rode right? okay thats cool and everything's normal.. I go to change the cd in the cd player and take my eyes off the rode for like.. two seconds, and that car turns in front of me. And when i look up, she's like.. 4 feet in front of me. So I slammed on my breaks but there wasnt enough stopping room and WHAM!!!! And...*sigh* ohhh my gooooooood. All I could think was "here we go again". As soon as I was sure I was okay I got out of the car and helped the girl get her kids out of the car. they were okay... and it was confusing as hell bc when we hit my glasses came flying off and I just got out without em and was all frazzled.. and I'm thinking omg how i going to get a hold of my parents... and all of a sudden they come driving up in my car.. and ahh. the girl next door came out and asked if she should call 911 and asked if everyone was alright.. and so she called. So everyone's okay... and we're waiting for the cops and my parents are there and I'm all shaky but composed... and the cop comes... and we both told em what happened. And he said that it was prolly both of our faults bc i was going a bit too fast and she shouldnt have turned in front of me... which is fair and all... but I dunno whats wrong with me... just my mind dwells on "what ifs" and got it sucks. Bc I kept thinking what if I was going faster? I T-ed her on the passenger side back door and the little girl was sitting there. Ya know? What if?? What if someone would have gone with me? What if I would have taken my car? What if I hadn't gone?? What if I hasn't looked up? What if what if what if... ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! So then I'm all shaken up and I relax for a bit and my sister's friend calls me. She's all "Wanna go to the mall or something?" So I'm like alright. sure. whatever. So we go to gordmans cause it's cheaper than the mall... and she's all "yeah.. I have to buy pants for work... blah blah blah..." So basically she just used me bc she needed a ride.... and I shouldn't have been suprised.. bc she does it all the time... ohh i need a ride to work... ohh i need a ride to my bf's, oh I need to go buy this, i need to go buy that..." BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She made me feel so worthless and pathetic... and USED! I freakin hate feeling like this! And she didnt give me gas money... and AHH. I hate it. Why cant i have any real friends.. within this freakin county anyway... Laney, I dont know if you're reading this... but AHH! I love you, I miss you, I need you... :**( soooo sooo soooooo much. It's sooo hard without you. *sigh* So yeah... I get home... and for some dumbass reason I go up the road where Katie and Brittnee lives, not thinking I guess... or something.. and THERE'S WHO??!?!!? none other than captain rooster himself. I hate myself. It's my own damn fault that I dont have any friends because I can't control my emotions.. and I freaked out on everyone... and now I'm all alone and pathetic bc I'm so depressed but I put my own damn self in this situation! I DID IT! so why the HELL am i so depressed?!!? So I finally get home, nearly in tears... and there Brittnee right inside the door. I miss them sooo much. And I tried to reach out to tony and brittnee... and they dont want me back. They dont need me. I feel worthless.... And how pathetic am I? I'm bawling at the computer as I write this.. And I forgot to do my homework... and I dont have sketchbook... and I'm stuck with my fanfic... and I'm so mad and frusterated and upset and I dont know what to do.. maybe I should go to bed... but still..... it's haunting me I swear. That guilty tool I use to give me focus and relax my pain... right there only a reach under my bed... I could cut all of my pain away. But I can't. And I wont. help me. Current Mood: rejectedCurrent Music: Cheap Trick - If you need my love you got it |
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