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Sunday, October 10th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 1:05a | hmmph. today wasn't too bad. some new people joined my community, that made me happy. uggh. i slept in today. i fucking HATE sleeping in till after 11:30. it pisses me off. i was staring at my wrists today. i knicked it a little the other day, but just enough to make it bleed. i have one scar that goes straight across my wrist, and it's pink. uggh. one of the things i want most in the world is to get to see blood seeping out of that cut. my wrists look so bare, it depresses me. i always wear a hair tie or 2 around my wrist because they come in handy. i've come to despise the marks they leave when i take them off. it looks like a giant scar, but it's not. if it was a giant scar, i'd be so hapy. but again, it's not. it goes away. i used to love the marks the hair ties would leave..but when i stopped cutting, and came to realize they've faded..uggh. i hate this. i CANNOT. look at cuts on peoples wrists. i get so jealous it makes me wanna scream. like kristen. NEVER NEVER NEVER show me your wrists. lol even though i love you, they make me INSANELY jealous. uggh. i was on a cutting message board yesterday and this girl was showing her cut pictures. they made me so jealous. she had 89 stitches in her one arm, yes, I COUNTED. blame it on the OCD, lol XD. but yeah, just uggh..i wish i could slash away for days at a time. winters coming up..long sleeve shirts. easier to cut..if nobody checks. ok well i gotta go. gabby Current Mood:  cynicalCurrent Music: |
| 3:59a | hey ppl. so i havent updated because i didnt feel like it...... lol, im ma laxy bum. lately iv been wanting to scratch. i "accidenally" tore off this pisec from my pen (where u hook it to your shirt) and i have been wanting to use that. but i dont. i know i need to stop. i need tp stop. but that rush is so great. and yesterday i bruised myself. i have this weird fasinatican with bruises. i cant wait to see what color it turns...... Current Mood:  flirty |
| 9:32a | I wrote this poem about a year ago... when the cutting started getting really bad.... here goes... My World Drown out the pain Pound into the abyss Deep in a torrent of shame I hide. Pull the covers higher Hide every lie. Cover up this pain Cover the world tonight. Pencil in one hand Knife in the other I'm painting my world On a canvas of white. M. Eason Nov. 21, 2003 Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: Senses Fail |
| 11:20a | Survey. Are you a boy/girl?: Girl. Age: 18 Age you began to cut: 13 Does anyone know you cut? People think i have stopped, but i guess writing in this shit thye musy knopw by now. Do your parent(s)/ guardian(s)? Of course but they could care less Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? I use to. Do you think that you are depressed? Been depressed since i was kid. Do you think you have anxiety problems? most def. Do you have any other disorders? personaily disorders. Do you have an eating disorder? i dont think so, jus when im sad i dont eat. Im usaully sad. Are you on meds? no not anymore, thye mke you fat. or make me more irritable, i cant sleep on them Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt? yeas, many of times. Have you tried to commit suicide? More than you would know. How? Pills, cutting, drowning, hanging, jumping. Does anyone know that you tried? Only a few those times. Do you do drugs? Not any more. Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? Just like anything else, as long you take do it at moderation. Do you wish you could stop? I like it. I belive in mind over matter. What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? Leading Up To: Saddness, self wollow During: realsease, greatness After: stupid, in love with my new creation When you cut does it hurt? Not any more, Do you bandage your cuts? no i let it bleed untill it stops Where do you most normally cut? My arms, then my shoulders, inner thighs, hips. Are you alone?my friends are there for me in ways, but otherwise i guess. Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? my earings, blades. sometimes. What have you used to injure yourself? sisscors, blades, box cutters, earings, knives, rulers, paper How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? i love every single one. Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? not any more. Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape)? Phrases, cuts, stars shapes. Have you ever cut too deep? O god yeas. but it was amazing. Do you go to therapy? not any more Do you have trust issues? o yeah. Current Mood:  content |
| 12:09p | i just left a mean comment on someones post in here. cos it REALLY aggrivate dme. how could someone come on here and just be all what the eff you sjhpouldnt tlak abotu this. it really annoyed me. so i left an anfry comment. last night sucked a bit. we made five dollars/. and thats IT. we werethere for like 3928 hours too. *sigh* but it was good tlaking time. adn than i came home and i figured ou how to use the camera web cam thingy, and than i puked, than ryan called, than i went to sleep. today i might see ryan which is cool beans,. imhungry by. <33 k Current Mood:  curious |
| 1:26p | yeah well last night was not good at all i was thinking about commiting suicide, thats how bad i felt about everything, i feel as though everythings always my fault. like no one cares... although thats wrong, but still, no one loves me... even my closet friend thats a boy whos like a brother figure to me, thinks im annoying as one of my friends told me =/ sometimes i wonder why theres even a point of life. why me, why us. why are we the chosen ones who have to go through so much pain. cutting is just one thing that helps me and i dont see why it hurts everyone! i dont get it, i cut my wrist 5 times... im not gonna sit here and lie, i need to let it all out, so yep i cut myself 5 times =D and it felt pretty damn good... isnt it irionic, the thing that makes you so happy, gives us so much pain... i love cutting <3 its my best friend... one that will never dissapoint me <3 always * cree Current Mood:  guiltyCurrent Music: Man Overboard * Blink 182 |
| 1:39p | .....Optional Use For Time? I talked to Derek yesterday, he told me he loves me, it made me the happiest I had ever been in a LONG LONG TIME... .... I cannot wait until this summer when I get to go see him again... I missed him so much that I wrote 2 poems about him, here..tell me what you think... "You" I'll never forget your sweet face the day I met you was a day of grace. So many memories happened together all the happiness seemed to last forever. Now you are gone, so far far away everyday is so long, nothing is the same. The wait for you, has so much pain but everything will all change, the day I see you again. --Della 10/10/04 "Together" In love with a person I cannot see Shipped for far away from me. Dreams about him they come, they go my time without him, it goes so slow. My love won't fade it will only grow strong, and even though I have to wait it's worth it even if it is a couple years long. If you are worried I don't love you, you are so wrong, nothing means more, your the one I Adore, together is how I want to be... Together you and me. --Della 10/10/04 Current Mood: calmCurrent Music: T.V. |
| 3:55p | Help.... If theres anyone out there... I need someone to talk to. Not just now, but I need someone to be there. I can't do this alone anymore |
| 5:32p | anyone? hey i was just wondering if anyone is or has been on antidepressants, do they work? or do they make you more suicidal like the news reports say? ive been thinking about telling my parents that i want some medication... i just wanted to know if it was worth it. thanks in advance Current Mood: pessimisticCurrent Music: nikiFM*hawthorne heights |
| 7:39p | Hey guys. Things have actually been not so bad since the last time I cut. I had been successful in hiding it from my mother until today though. She didnt do anything or say anything, but just looked.. with that disappointed and helpless expression on her face.. It doesnt bother me anymore though.. Lalala.. My cousin saw my arm.. and blatently asked me "What do you use to do that?" and I just kind of ignored her and she goes "you know how i do mine?? I smoke it." By that she means she smokes pot... but whatever... i dunno.. and then she wouldnt quit asking me. She picked up a pair of scissors and goes "these?" grr. Anyway... hope all of you are doing okay. If anyone needs to talk IM me at yahoo: this_lost_soul_of_mine or AIM: soulofmyown LAter. Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: kinks - my sherona |
| 8:16p | this life aint worth living.. fk. i just hate it. why i cant have someone by my side? :( why oh why... my life is just so fucked up! the worst thing that ever happened to me is my birth. i hate everything about me.i cant find anything good in myself. im just so fuckn stupid! i think i need help. but im afraid to ask it. they wont understand me.i just know it . i just have to live with it OR...you know, there is other way out. there is none who would miss me. NONE. so why should i continue all this? no reasons. no nothing. endless dark. |
| 8:51p | some things are better left unsaid... alot of confusion in my mind. alot of secrets. alot of stuff that i wouldnt dare say to anybody ever. not here for fear that someone i know might see it, not to anybody i know, to to anybody i dont know. but im dying to. its alot to handle. alot to know. i just could never bring it up. its lethal information. could hurt many people. it already is. i dunno. i hate this season. but tis my favorite. it just brings up horrible memories of my past. all memories. autumn screws with my mind. it makes me so happy- but so sad. i jsut want to be hugged all day. i want to do something crazy. somehting crazy and out of the ordinary- i want to run away and scream and play and jump around. i will run away and start over. do you think ryan will come with me? maybe. i should purpose that to him. i dont want to go alone and who betetr to go wtih than my love? hmmm... sometimes i want everything to be different. me and my life. but im glad i have ryan. he keeps me living. im gunan go now till i can sort out my head. Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: yellowcard [x] powder |
| 9:51p | nothing ---more ------lovely ---------than ------------scarlet ---------------blood ------------------against ---------------------creamy ------------------------skin I left an x on my left breast; right over my heart. I've never seen anything so beautiful. Current Mood: calmCurrent Music: Headstrong |
| 11:31p | *shivers* I'm cold. and nasoeous. luckily enough, i don't want to cut. it's been one week, 3 days. And i seriously am hoping and praying and trying to never cut again. i showed tony a couple pics of my cuts, he said it hurt so much to see me do that. if there's anything i don't want, it's to hurt him. i don't know what i'll do to stop myself when the urge returns, i saw a billboard with a number to call, but i don't know if it's just for ppl contemplating suicide. oh well, i guess i'll find out. Current Mood: anxiousCurrent Music: "word up"-korn(and it's annoying me) |
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