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Friday, October 8th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 3:18a | numb i don't really feel much right now, just guilt from cutting. It's been a week.but just now, i showed Tony 2 pics from when i cut, showed him the cuts, and they weren't pretty, all bloody. It hurts him, i knew it even before he said it. And that's why i feel guilty, i wouldn't want to hurt him ever. But i have. i wish i could just hug him and say over and over how sorry i am. but nothing i do can change this. i'll always be scarred. i'll always have to deal with this. I was messed up to begin with, it's not all my fault, but i made it so much worse. i'm so sorry. Current Mood:  guilty |
| 9:39a | man its been a long time since i have wrote in this thing. i'm still looking for a new job and all that fun stuff. yesterday i went out w/ my sister. 2 things upset me. one was i went to my cousins moms house. i couldn't handle bein there. she was the one to accuse my uncle of killing my then 6 yr old cousin. (i was 5). if it weren't for the person who did hit him my cousin would be alive and i would have my best friend. he would have been 18 in december. then the second thing was we drove by childerns hospital. thats were me and my mom went the night i tried to kill myself. the only reason why i got upset was because thats when my mom finally saw my cuts and she started to cry. they were putting my id band on and i had to lift my sweatshirt sleeve up. she just had to see them though. yeah. i cut last week. just once though. i was pissed and sad and just confused so i took a box cutter that i was using (this was at work) and sliced my arm. it went across smothly. just as soon as the blade left the mark it pourd out blood. thats what i needed. Current Mood:  cynicalCurrent Music: bright red summer~coheed and cambria |
| 12:38p | Just joined.... just joined this community. I'm a cutter. For about 3 years now. Haven't cut recently. But i have burned recently. I'm so sick of people giving me shit about where i cut bruises and cuts and burns and shit. Just the other day a friend of mine in p.e. asked me if i was being abused or doing drugs. Damn if i'm being abused that's my own business and if i do drugs or not ain't her business either. Just cause i have a couple of bruises DAMN! and she saw this old burn mark on my forearm. She thought i was injecting my self with drugs. So i have resorted to places where people can't see. I burned my shoulder pretty bad last week and my mum noticed cause i wore a tanktop by mistake and she saw it at dinner. She started freaking out, cause she thought i "stopped that Shit!" So now she's going through all my stuff and being all suspiscious. GOD i don't want a repeat of 2 years ago events. She made me go to this physcho therapist guy and then we moved to a different state and divorced my dad. But, that didn't stop me. Hah! I guess i learned that guys aren't worth my blood. So i haven't cut in about 2 weeks. I don't know what to do, money is so tight and we might have to move back w/ my dad. And i don't really want to see him right now, he's not even helping us w/our money probs. Dunno what to do. Cause i'm feeling a craving coming on.......... Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Higher-Nine Inch Nails |
| 1:25p | well last ngiht i cut so fucking much......it was the most ive cut in a while...i cut maybe about 40-50 times in one little section....it looks terrible today....i cant stand my life anymore...and then i get this email today from this guy i like telling me that his mom wont let him go out on a date with some girl and he thinks thats the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with....how can he say that? i thought things were going really well and then i get this....i cried all morinign basicaly and ive been al;l depressed today......this is the worst ive felt in a long time...why cant i ever fucking win? Current Mood: depressed |
| 3:23p | Yeah Yeah first entry in this community, kinda just passed by it and my friends in it too. So i thought i should join sense ive been kinda thinking about cutting, even though i cant anymore. I feel so guilty just thinking about it, but people are so freaking gay. Sometimes i wish i can just shoot them, but you cant shoot everyone that makes you mad. Why dont you just shoot yourself... I wonder... Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: |
| 5:06p | the aftermath wheee my sixteenth birthday sucked the worse.... i cant say i had a worse day.... i woke up at 4:30 because i had to be somewhere by 6:45 am....i forgot to take my medicine.....i actually forgot it was my own birthday... i almost missed the bus..... a good thing was my bus driver bought me coffee.... hes cool... then i get there the only person who remembered my b day was my best friend genesis. and she had made me a blueberry pie.... but then we go to leave to go to wailua... for our air rifle match.. so we get there and i get yelled at for wearing a jacket over my uniform because i was cold... so i took it off... then when the relay started i got yelled at for having bracelets on.. and the thing is ive not taken those off in five years... and i was forced to take them off.... then halfway through the match it started raining.....and it madce me mess up on a shot. when i was done i put my rifle in the case because i didnt want t set it on the rain water, and i get yelleed at for that too...so i go over to genesis and she lit one candle for me and held it up and sang me happy birthday and i blew out the candle.... it didnt even ge ton the pie.. then i went to go and score the targets... and when i get back the pie was all eaten and there was only a tiny peice left for me.. and usually the birthday girl get s the first peice right? well i guess not this one... we won that match but onlky by default the other team had only 4 people shooting...no one even questioned why genesis brought pie.. and they devoured it up like nothing... so we go back to the school... and were early so i called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to meet me and hang out before i had to go back home, so he said he would meet me at the school... me and genesis waiited two hours for him... we called him back and he hadnt even left his house..... so i went on the bus back home and i get home and my mom says happy birthday to me, so i tell her happy give-birth day .... then i got to my room and try to sleep... but it dont work.. they force me to open poresents and complain im taking too long... then try to take my presents back form me... i didnt get anything i wanted the only thing worth mentioning was seventy five dollars and nail polish..there were worse gifts believe me..shoes...a backpack...stockings...and compostion books i had been looking for for the longest time... then after my mom trying to steal my money...im dragged off to diner with my family to a place i dont even know.. we went to outback... and i felt sick to my stomach and i had a headache....so i didnt order anything.. but i ended up eating someones salad and baked potato... then we leave and go to the store to go get ice cream but i had to use the bathroom.. so i go to use it and i get back and my mom is at the checkout paying aleready.. so i asked her why she told me i could pick it out if she picked it for me.. and she walked away without a word out of the store and left me behind... so i caught up with her and got in the car....we get home and i lock myself in my room and genesis calls me.. and so she lets me cry on the phone , and we three-way john (my boyfriend) and ask why he never came to meet us like he said.. his excuse was his sister got sick and so he had to catch the bus to his swim meet.... bleagh.. and apearently me and genesis sound the same on the phone... but then my mom knocks on my door.. of course its locked, and tells me to come out of my room and i told her i wasnt hungry.. and she convinced me to go out to the living room for the cake.. which was something i hated anyway.. and then made fun of me because i was on the phone.... and they had out trick candles on my cake too... not a very happy thing to do.... so i tried to sneak away back to my room and finfish my conversation on the phone but they told me to stay int he living room....and aparently i was dropped on the head as a baby.. and i was a drug baby too.. and i realized my mom makes things sound like there all aout her .. even though it was my birthday.... blearg.. mannaged to sneak back to my room.. but heh.. not a pretty day... Current Mood: rejected |
| 5:12p | PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME !! IF YOU DONT, I WILL my boyfriend of 7 fucking days just broke up with me. so im about to kill myself. nobody has any clue. nobody. theyre like you dont love him. you only think you do. how the fuck to they know how i feel ?! ive liked her for almost 2 years now. andd it was the best thing in my life when he asked me out. for that 7 days.. i didnt feel like killing myself for once. now you have no idea how close i am to.. i think im gunna. nothings worth it anymore. love was all i had. and he took it away. i have nothing. and that just kills me. so why dont i speed up the process of killing myself? s o b r o k e n ... nicole. =/ Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: fuck music. fuck everything |
| 5:17p | yeah. so by accident. on my last entry i put her instead of him.. soo just thought id point that out. lol |
| 5:33p | it's been forever.. hey everybody! i haven't posted in forever. if you don't remember me, my name's gabby. i just wanted to update you on my life. well back in amy tricia and sarah, these 2 girls, one of which is still my friend and the others one of those people who we act friendley to each other sometimes, ignore each other mostly, and talk about each other behind our backs, told the guidance councilor & nurse that i was a cutter. so yeah now i see a psycologist and stuff, and theyve figured out the my cutting was part of my OCD. i started because i hate myself, but i lost control of it al. not that i didnt mind the cutting. so yeah i havent seriously cut in a long time. i miss it so much. ive done a few little slashes on and off, but i stopped the severe cutting in last june/early july because my mother threatened to send me to fourwinds, the local mental hospital. gee, fun. so now i sit here everyday and stare at my wrists and ankles, wondering why i'm keeping that from letting blood stream down both. i miss it so much. it was my best friend, i love it. well hmm..today i made a community :) its about self hatred. i'm sure most of you hate yourselfs, so i figured i might as ell tell you guys about it & ask you to join. the link is: please & thank you :) alright so, how are you all doing? Current Mood: cranky |
| 5:34p | I know I just like posted, but Ive been really upset for no reason. Im so sick of everyone. Everyones so freaking gay, all my friends dont even know what they do to me. Like one of my friends is always all over all the guys i like and she has a hot boyfriend whos skater! and shes so smart. And she has like no idea how much she hurts me, and she doesnt even care, everythings all about her. And everyone tells me not to cut, but it makes me happy & whenever im happy it pisses everyone off. I use to cut, and still think about it. I just I dont know whats gonna make me happy. And my birthdays coming up, and unlike last year im not gonna have a boyfriend. Which sucks, I never get anything I want. I just want someone to love me. Someone to care... xo ; cRee Current Mood: upset Current Music: |
| 6:19p | hey man this guy that i liked for ummm forever hehehehehe just moved how can i be laughing god i gotta go fuckin cut dont know where but i will hepl me some one i need to talk me im is playboymodel8920 at AOL.com!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: depressed |
| 8:34p | f_ck i feel like a fool. he dun even know me. and i cried for him =/ sooooo stupid! i dun want to see him again. Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: Finger eleven - theraphy 320 |
| 8:59p | so i did cut last night, a few times on my shoulder. i know that on my shoulder it will heal fast. so its ok. it got my craving out. i'm no longer an ex-cutter. i'm back in the club. how are u guys doing? Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: The Distillers- Spiderman |
| 9:17p | Hair dye burns... I'm dying my hair right now... blonde... well at least trying. It hasn't really worked yet, but it burns like a mother fucker. I'm not mad at Tim. I'm mad that he has someone and I don't... I'm mad that a lotta kids have someone and I don't. I thought before that I could never feel so alone as I do now... but it's actually gotten worse. Like every day feels unworthy of living... like there's no point to it anymore. If I have no one to live for, then why live? Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: The Distillers |
| 11:22p | you know about the scars, you dont know you made them. the only thing i have to cut with is a pushpin and its not sharp enough to cut deep, i want a razor so bad where do all you guys get them?? i need to see the blood... ps... i really need a good song, a song to cry to and let it all come out. its bottled up inside me and i cant let it out... and im sick of happy songs, what are some good songs to cry to? thanks in advance Current Mood: melancholyCurrent Music: nirvana*smells like teen spirit |
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