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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 11:15a | ..... ..... ...... Forever Gone Smiles,laughter everywhere you turn The pain & Hate still continue to burn. Happy thoughs all torn away All I wanted was for you to stay You turned your back with a heartless goodbye Not knowing or caring that alone I cry. The pain and Sorrow never end I'll pull the dagger out of my heart again. Tell me it's over, that it never was tru Say one more time, "I Love You." --Della PxSx Tell me what you think! thanks Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: School..... |
| 2:10p | This Time of The Year! I tried to keep my life and this blurty as cheerful as I could for the past couple of months. I can't stand it any longer, this chipper mood I'm in now. I always start to get depressed and stuff this time of the year, when it first starts to get chilly and cold and gets near christmas I start again (cutting). Something must have happened in the past that I remember unconsciously or something. It doesn't hurt though, I feel nothing! ~MK~ Current Mood:  depressed |
| 3:11p | ..went 55 full days without cutting.. started up again 2 nights ago.. cut up to 25 times on my wrist so i can hide it with a wrist band for gym.. last night cut my arm by the elbow up to 16 times .. its a releif in a way.. but i hate the lying and fake smiles i have to throw on pretending everythings ok... that had nothing to do with cutting really but anyway.. i had really stong suicidal thoughts today.. i still do.. and i keep thinking about shooting myself in the head but i'm not sure i want it to be that quick.. if that makes any sense... i'm jsut sick of pretending to be happy when really i'm hurting so fucking bad inside.. i feel liek i want to cry but it won't come out.. and i fele like just sleeping.. and i'm sick of everyone tellign me to smile and stop wearing black when black is all i own and i can't help it... people need to mind thier own fucking buisness.. they need to let me be who i am and stop trying to make me smile when i wish i could spit in thier face... i hate everyone latelty.. they jsut need to get off my case... does this make any sense? sorry if i offended anyone... ((amanda)) Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: |
| 3:43p | Hey guys. This is probably going to sound really stupid and cheesy.. but i love all of you. You are the people who know what I go through when no one else does. And it helps sooo sooo soo much. I cut again. Yesterday. The reason is going to sound stupid. But... I have friends left... right? except for laney, but she's like.. 200 miles away in college so its not like i can just call her bc of long distance and blah. But I have no friends left. And my sister broke up with her bf of like.. 3 yrs. So.. am I wrong to think that we should lean on each other? I keep telling myself that i should hang out with her bc she needs me... but in reality.. its me that needs her. Well anyway... I asked her to go somewhere with me and she never answered me. About 10 minutes later the phone rang and she picked up and goes "yes! I was hoping someone would call! I am soooo bored and I have absolutely nothing to do.".... ugh. Is it just because I am family that I'm furniture or something? Do I not count? AM I NOTHING?? Really. I want to know. And then.. bout 2 weeks ago we went to her friends house and her friend wasnt home so she was chatting iwth her dad and I was waiting in the car. She was talking about things without her bf and she was like "yeah... i wish lyndsay was home because I kinda really need someone to talk to... you know.. with the whole cody issue and all and I dont have anyone..." I wonder if she knows that she makes me feel worthless. I really do. And I hate to sound cliched, but it's seriously tearing me up. My mom doesnt understand any of this, she thinks I'm insane or something, my dad doesnt talk to me.. prolly bc he doesnt know how, my other sister is so wrapped up in HER bf that its like I only have one other sister and she makes me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. And I would be able to handle that if I had others to lean on. But I dont. And its my fault bc I chased them all away... I'm such a shitty person. *sigh* why doesnt this seem to help anymore?? Now I just want to cut again. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: Believe - "my fav. band" |
| 7:58p | cravings cravings and more cravings!!!!!!! i want to cut my wrist so bad, i want to see blood running down my arms!!!!! i have fantasies about cutting for gods sake!!!!!!!!!! i cant. its been about a month. i dont think i have to strength to keep this up... |
| 8:32p | Not again James has a girl friend. Yea... a girlfriend. I'm so friggen naive. Why don't I just get it? Guys don't like me like that... I'm only a friend. I can't get anyone. All I want is to be in a good relationship. That's all. Is it too much to friggen ask for? Ugh!!! Trina, this girl that's in a few of my classes, gave me some of her anti-depressants, and I think I took too many today, cuz boy do I feel woozy!!! Haha.... So basicaaly today sucked, but I didn't care. I feel outside of my body, and I love that. I love not feeling. Cuz then if I can't feel, then I can't get hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want it all to go away. I don't know if medication can help, but I want it all to go away. "So send the pain below... so send the pain below... much like suffocating.... much like suffocating... I'd send the pain below..." -Chevelle Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: Chevelle |
| 8:43p | Pain is taking me over I cut. I have gone all this time without cutting. and I cut. Why you ask? Well because Dustin thinks im a whore and is upset that I don't respect myself. Ok So i was drunk and i did stuff with 2 different guys in 1 night. I admit it was a mistake. And i cut because of that, (about a month ago) and now i cut again because Dustin made me cry. I'm a failure at this whole guy thing. I just should give up. Ridiculous. now my hand is covered in blood and my arm has 3 slices.... SOOn to be more. I really wish i could just cut my effing wrists (not like suicidally) because thats the most satistfying place to cut and i only would need one cut. but people would see those and i would get sent back to treatment and da - da - da. So i settled on my upper arm. hopefully nobody will see. but im assuming mother will and then i will get sent back to treatment. GOD WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW?!?! Why couldn't the drama have waited until *after* I take the SATs? I mean seriously. I just want to talk to Dustin, explain to him how sorry I am. And tell him that he means alot to me. WHY DO I DO THE THINGS I DO!?!?! Someone please help! I'm getting swallowed up and I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hold on. |
| 9:45p | not to be weird or anything but has anyone here ever been raped? not like coerced or molested, but *raped*. bc i was, and i didnt care for a whole year. i mean seriously, it never even crossed my mind, 'cept i'd get a little nervous 'round guys. but now its like, becoming all consuming, its the underlying springboard of every thought i have, its the reason i cut, its the reason i fight with my friends, its the reason i dont eat much and drive to fast. i really cant do the emo thing very well, actually i cant really do emotions really well with this, either im angry or im utterly terrified. like, one of my closest, most dear boy friends hugged me the other day and i ran into a bathroom wretching from it. everything reminds me. its damn near disabilitating. i smoke like a pack a day bc im so stressed and im always cold and am having nightmares. why would it take so long to care? if anyone has any advice or ideas it'd be really appreciated because the only time i feel okay is when im high and i dont like liars, you know? - ace - Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: staind:mudshovl |
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