Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

Time	Event
8:35a	feeling down you think with my birthday around the corner i would be happy right? and especially since i havnt cut in a long ass while.. but i cant say that anymore.. because i relapsed.. cant say how upset with myseltf i am right now.. i hoped i could make it untill my birthday.. but im one day short and i fucked up again... i got a byfriend who dosent give shit about what happens to me and gahhhhhhhhhhhhh i give up aklready.. i could jsut stop breathing and be gone.. but fuck.... im living still.. i dont know why though.. all those times i couldve died i turned back for no reason .. i hat torturing myself this way.. i have to start over again.. from scratch see how long i can go without cutting.. i hope its longer than two months this time... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: atticus dragging the lake II (4 Comments | Comment on this)
4:33p	I Hate My Life! I have scars from when I cut myself. I haven't cut myself for like 3 or 4 months. I enjoyed distroying myself. I thought and sometimes still do think that I deserve(d) it. I used to do it alot when I was depressed and down and out on myself. I would think about all the bad times and I kept cutting and slicing myself. People would ask me why did I cut myself. I would say it feels good, and it did. I also would say that I always felt in the way of others and I wouldn't be in the way anymore if I died. Actually the first year of college I wrote a report about suicide. Here is a poem I took out of the report: Sadness envelopes me Fear of the future Guilts of the past Sickness flows through me I look around me Loneliness and despair No one to turn to No one who cares I have no future No dreams Just emptiness And loneliness Today it is told Is a good day to die? To me that is everyday Every thought Tomorrow no I think not No more tomorrows No more loneliness No more Fear A few more hours A few more minutes A few more seconds no more… Then I went into the hospital not because of my slicing but because I had a bad infection of the kidneys. It's been about a month since I got out of the hospital and since then I haven't felt depressed as I did when i would slice myself up. I really think that stress and stuff does it to me. When I go back to work and school I might start up again. You never know. Lately I've been thinking about cutting or slicing myself up but I resisted. I don't know how long I can be able to resist, it is very tempting. Did you want to try together to keep each other off of the cutting/slicing??? I mean we can talk and stuff to keep each other from hurting ourselves even though it feels good. It's up to you. Write back to me. ~MK~ Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments | Comment on this)
9:44p	"lets get drunk you can drive us to the harbor- wish upon a star." so school was.. eh. again i have to listen to this girls life story. lol. i sawed my finger in creative metals but it didnt hurt so much. i was cutting out my desing for my key cain. it will be soo cool. it says afi all cool and than i will solder [sawder] that onto a think piece of copper and put as hole in that and put a chain on that and it will be a key chain. lol. i dont have keys but whatever the criteria is to make a key chain. and mine will be awesome. than i can make earings. so im hoping maybe may will let me over her house sometime soon so i can dye my hair. hmm.. yestyerday i took my play test in piano. i did really well. a 99 'cos i didnt hold a quarter note long enough. ; \ o well 99 is pretty damn good if i do say so myself. ! school is so easy this year. maybe its just cos i have to art classes where i dont get homework. i dunno but it seems like its so much better than freshman year. frosh year sucked. alot. o well. hmm what esle. tawny party is next friday. should be cool. giiiiirl tl;ka. lol. a whole buncha girls in one room and stuff. should be cool. but i dunno if i trust some of them to not be like ohMYgod and freak when they see the real me. i love how i play it off like im so innocent andlike im so happy. when im about ready to snap at any moment. i just love it. and i hate letting people who i dont really know in on my life. i hate it. i absolutely hate it. i hate people who dont knwo me and tell me all about their business. like when people i dont knwo tell me really personal stuff. maybe its just cos im so protective but im like you dont know if ill go tell everybody and their mom. i dunno- it just bugs me. cos most times if someone tells me all their probs and i dont knwo them all that well- i will think theyre tellin gme either to get attention or to sound cool er whatever. ya know? well i do. theres certain friends you share stuff with, and certian freinds who are just left in the dark to think youre innocent like them. i have a few of those kind'a freinds. w/e. owell. i love you all like a fat kid loves cake. :D! Current Mood: horny Current Music: cath 22 [x] 9 mm and a 3 piece suit (Comment on this)
9:49p	I've heard that if someone is talking or thinking about suicide, sooner or later s/he will commit it. I'm counting days.Months. Years? No,thanks. (2 Comments | Comment on this)
10:26p	ok...for my english class i had to write a paper on some event that changed my life. and i wrote about something, and yesturday my teacher said that she NEEDS to talk to me about mine. and my friend who prof read it, said it semt like i was/am suicidal. but i dont think so. read this and tell me what you think please... ( report ) its a crappy report/paper. but oh well. Current Mood: worried Current Music: nada (4 Comments | Comment on this)

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