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Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 2:10p | Hey guys. This is something I wrote after I cut.... Last night I dreamt a dream and I must confess; you came to me in the purest form, your lips as sweet as nectar, your touch like silk. I wanted to speak to you, to tell you that my world is bare and dull in your absence. And that when I breathe the air so deep, its for you that I breathe, but words were simply not enough so I did not speak. I yearned for you to show me the definition of forever and then you took me in your arms. Lingering lightly and swooning softly, I promised I would not object. Electricity sparked and flowed between us; sent by my soul; received by yours. Sent by your heart; received by mine. If I were an ocean you would have been the steady ebb and flow of the glittering tide. I closed my eyes to better feel your passion and you leaned into me, a storm brewing beneath the surface. Your lips, fiery and delicious with cinnamon but with the smoothness of vanilla were the calm before the storm. Brilliant fireworks exploded before my eyes and the water raged against the shore in uneven and charged waves, lapping and tearing the sand into itself beautifully. Your lips singed my cheek and neck in little bites and I could only cry for more. Your hands; two white pilgrims, set fire to my insides, and danced in the flames delightfully. The white lightening crashed and you took me and leapt into the water, letting it wash over our heads and overwhelm out brains, and suddenly the water was calm. Then I was a bird, flying forever high and swooping so low; you were my clear blue sky. There were no more gray clouds in your eyes and instead they sparkled adoringly. A breeze that drew collectively from our lips flowed all around us, stirring small wisps of your wetted hair and the blindingly hot sun set and the moon rose. Still you held me in your arms and I begged you to never let go. You didn’t, but rather held me tight, like beautiful wildflowers in a child’s eager grasp, and I was happy. I watched as the breeze fell null and you closed your eyes and visited a dream. The wise owls called and I dared not sleep in fear that you would be gone again when I woke. But nonetheless, I woke to lonely covers, your arm absent around my waist. The trees outside my window bent in the wind. You were never there in the first place. So still I breath and when I inhale the air so deep, it’s for you that I breath. A bird cannot fly without sky, an ocean is baron desert without water, and this world is reduced to the dullest shades of gray without you. blah. It's kind of like elequent porn :| later Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: A Song To Sing - "my favorite band" |
| 4:11p | well you see... I'm new. Yeah. Anyway. Basically all I have to say is everyone hates me. And I don't understand why. I don't fit in at all, anywhere. Everyone has their little group and I'm just not in any of them. They may say I am but I know I'm not. And it makes no sense. I am so confused. I ran out of band crying the other day they were pissing me off so bad. I sat there the whole practice and not one person said anything to me. Then I ran out crying and the only people who followed me were my best friend and my boyfriend. I can sit and not say a word and no one will say anything to me. I'm so sick of it. And I get no appreciation whatsoever, in band and in ballet. It's like I work my ass off just to be passed by by other people who I'm better than. I hate life. I'm so sick of it. I give up. And my boyfriend told me if I cut again I'd get dumped and I don't want that to happen so I hold back. If he dumped me it'd just make it worse. And I've lost 3 of my best friends in a month.... I give up on trying to make everyone happy. I just do. My life makes no sense whatsoever.... Current Music: Ch-Ch-Check it out. |
| 4:39p | whatcha think? i havent been writing too much lately but heres some recent stuff. rock on. THIS BODY :091304 this body doesnt know its mind this body is a lie this body is a little girl cracked and wondering why this body is no ones any more this body has gone away this body cant tell the story right this body wont fully wake today this body is a sinner's this body aches for pain this body tries not to remember but it all comes out the same this body relaxes tensely under your safety this body has no true release this body doesnt believe 2am's can happen this body is its own murderous beast this body's forearms get itchy this body is angry enough not to wait this body is channeling glittered energy this body cant help but hate this body gets sick at the sight of him this body has been forced astray this body is warring for its self back this body is mine, everyday. ~~~~~~~~~~~ <3 U :090704 With the sun in my eyes All I can think about is you And all our pretty lies Like all those times we said we couldn’t for now but Maybe we would later Maybe I’d learn to hate her Maybe we could move on… Strung out now and left for living In the shells of what we were as little kids Always scared, we always hid And sometimes we still feel the way back then Never thought I’d have someone like you for a friend Never realized how much I’d let go of Till you brought it all back I don’t need their petty drama I want a cigarette, sitting in your lap I want to see the shed pieces of me in your hands Cuz we don’t need the words As we glare into each others eyes But no matter what I ever say to you Remember right now, remember those short spaces in time When I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine Remember those few hours where we were doing just fine It will go away, I know it will go away But if you just hold onto the good days You’ll wanna stick around too You’ll wanna bask in this stale truth Don’t admit you need me I wont admit I need you Remember that love's just some four letter word that we're always warring against And we’ll do just fine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ STATEMENT AT LAST CALL :092804 heres where it hurts heres where it burns heres what i used to know heres all ive left to learn heres to the last dance heres to the toast we'll never voice heres to the wall we backed into heres to where we knew we had a choice heres to the soul murder heres to my unearned sainthood that isnt heres to the lies we tell heres to saying we did when we really didnt heres to heaven heres to hell ive cocked the gun for the last time here my loves, is to farewell ~~~~~~~~ so yeah. nothin much to say about cutting...im sampling a large assortment of pills per week and starving myself pretty as a trade off, not that im trying to quit, but idk. just takin a lil drugged out reprieve. peace out & let me know what you think of the writing! -<3- aisLing Current Mood: tWiTcHy Current Music: the von bondies : c'mon c'mon! |
| 5:24p | Blah The tempation of cutting again is growing faster and faster. My parent's are on my back 24/7 and the fact they don't even remember the day i was born hurts. Sometimes i wish i could go back to the day when my uncle convinced my parents not to do the abortion and stop him. Im not "sucidal" im just.. bi polar? Current Mood:  restlessCurrent Music: Preety Girl (the way) - Sugarcult |
| 7:23p | I cry...I bleed...I scream... Hey I'll guess I'll figure it out The reasons why things went the way they did And why we can't accept it We'd fall asleep But not before we exercised The evil thing that everyone hides We would lie there in my bed Do you remember all those nights we never slept? No clothes, sweaty Doing all the things I never thought I'd do That I did then with you And Hey Don't feel bad But what can ever take away the boardwalk trip or us away I think we grew up Past the hang-ups and the evil stares The fuck you too's and I dont care's We would lie there in my bed Do you remember all those nights we never slept? No clothes, sweaty Doing all the things I never thought I'd do That I did then with you Hey I'll guess I'll figure it out The reasons why things went the way they did And why we can't accept it We'd fall asleep But not before we exorcised The evil thing that everyone hides We would lie there in my bed Do you remember all those nights we never slept? And even though we brought it crashing to an end I loved it all and now I love my friend I loved it all, I love the girl, I love my friend |
| 8:04p | hm.. Is it possible to kill love? If love is so wonderful how come it brings so much pain? :( Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Evanescence-away from me |
| 10:41p | so i went apple picking today with ryan his step mom sue his dad his step moms ex husband jerry and his two step nieces but i just call them his nieces danielle and laura. it was the best part f my weekend. today was the best day of the year so far. i just had so much fun. woke up at 8-left at 11. we went to dunkin donuts and that to the apple orchards. i bought an apple donut and apple cider. we went to the petting zoo at the orchard and pet the cows and a llama stole our food.. it was funny. than we picked apples. its was so gorgeaus out. me and ryan climed trees and kissed and bolwed with rotten apples and took pictures and had fun. just fun. than afterwards we went to eat at some diner. it was ohkay. that was at like 5 or 6. than he came back to my house. i ate matzo ball soup. my favorite, and he had ellios pizza. than we spent ALL night outside. first behind the garage- than out front- than my dad and jon got in a fight so jon left and we went after him. we played ding dong ditch and ran around wth dr. thunder and cheez its. i was loud and laughed. oh yea and dave came home withi his friend ben. we raded his car and they drove us around for like 5minutes but we had to leave cos ryan had to leave. we kissed like we meant it and he left. i came inside and stayed loud and sat around like its fall time cos its fall- my favorite season. today was perfect- everything was right- and i loved it. i had the best day. it was perfect. i really needed today after friday. BAD night. went to mall with may angie ryan jesse barett mike ashley and tawny. they went to go get a drink while i was in walden reqding. they never came back. so i went lkooking. ryan found me- i got pissed. i blew themn off for abou 45 mins. went back. tawny was hitting on ryan as usual. pissed me off cos ryan never seems to care. got really pissed at tawny. kinda got in a good mood cos may cheered me up. i love magin cos she never lets me stay sad. like she backs off but she always cheers me up. than me and ryan went outsde to talk. we tlkaed about nothing new. but in a sense it was new. he relaised im not joking. i cried. i asked why he seemed to not love me. i turned around the piller and cried. he didnt talk for a long time- neither did i. he came aroudn the piller and held me. hes neevr seen me cry liek that ebfore. i was pissededer than ever. we went back inside. i got my hairdye, [orange] and than we left. saturday i was still kinda eh. i went for a run and stuff. ryan called at like 6 and he got droppe off at 8 and left at 11ish. he bought me a rose. and hugged me. that made me happy. and than leads up to today. so yea. im a happy person right now. i hope you all are happy because i love you all.. all of you! Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: commercial for duff movie |
| 11:58p | Raining Gray Again... Autumn reminds me of James. Driving alone at midnight, cranking butts to depressing music, while the leaves on the road carpet my way home. I left a party tonight because Geoff and I had a fight. A stupid, stubborn misunderstanding that could be resolved if he took his head out of his ass for a few partial moments. I hate this. In the past three years, the longest time period I was single for, at any given moment, was probably 2 months. I'm sick of dealing with the way people treat me, the way I treat them, and the fucking drama relationships carry. Every relationship I've had ends up with a bloody forearm and a heavy heart. Maybe I'll learn some day. Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: "Bliss Tearing Eyes" - Dead Poetic |
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