| 5:31p |
so sorry. i havent posted in such a long time. ive been grounded. i still am grounded. for 30 days. because i decided to skip school with starr who lives down the street from me. and yeah, my mom found out. it sucked too. it was at the end of the day. and then i got caught. psh. anyway, things havent been good at all.
for a while i stopped my cutting, but i thought about it each day, and my puking... but things have been really rough lately and ive been cutting a lot. sunday night i stole money from my mom. she started asking everyone about it, and i got scared and i went over to matts house and i asked him to hold it. stoopid me. when i got home, matt came to the door and was like "whats the money for? my brother heard us talking about the money and told my mom and now my mom thinks im doing drugs." so i made up an excuse.. and then he went home. and i called starr and then we 3 wayed matt. matts mom picked up and ask starr about the money. and starr said it was mine. and she told starr not to call the house ever again. so.. i had to tell my mom about the money.. and we went over to get it.. and matts mom was yelling at me like crazy. and i felt so bad, cos that lady liked me. i went home and took like 60 pills and cut really bad and i was hoping to die in my sleep. but instead i woke up with a huge headache..it felt like i had a hangover. i stayed in bed all day. ive been bingeing a lot. its so sick. and sometimes i dont puke, so its bad. im always eating something. and ive gotten so fat. its disgusting. my mom thinks my prozac is doing stuff to me since i got a higher dose a few weeks ago. my bipolar side. hah. and people have been getting mad at me, because in class ill like space out and they think im ignoring them. mychal knows whats going on with me. shes the person i tell everything to. about everything. except michelle. she stopped talking to me for a day and cried and told me she just wants me to be happy. last night we had the football game. and the band was playing their "get crunk" music and i was dancing like an idiot and laughing and stuff like that... and then all of a sudden im in a slump and i feel depressed. i hate it so much. taryn saw my arm. she was like "oh my fucking god Anna whats on your arm?" and i was like "uh skin?" and shes like "let me see your arm." i showed her my other one and she got all pissy and was like "no the OTHER ONE!" then the bell rings and i say "g2g see ya later"
then in math i had this bandage on my arm that my mom put on to cover my cuts. mike was like "what happened" and i was like "nothing" and he goes "did u burn urself" and i was like "uh,.... yeah...cooking...chicken" and hes like "liar. did ur cat do it ? *laughs*" .." yeah??" and he kept looking at me throughout class. i saw him at the game and he goes "whats up catwoman". dude, i love mike, and i wish he didnt see my bandage.
a few days ago i wrote an apology note to matts mom, and him. i taped it to their front door. havent heard anything from them since. =[
my mom talked to my counselor. and she was asking if i should go to the place i was for a week, or go far away for like 30 days. fuck no. im not going anywhere like that.
tuesday im supposed to have appointments with both of my doctors. to see if i can get different meds or something or find out whats going on with me. i might have to change my counselor. which would really suck. at first i didnt really like her, but then i got to like her and got comfortable talking with her. i might have to cos my insurance or whatever doesnt have circles of care on their thing.. er.
my mom took the locks off of my room and the bathroom door.
im so bored and im sick of feeling up and then down. i want to cut so bad. and i miss talking to matt. and starr.
talked to cody on the phone for a while today. |