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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:35a | something i thought of off the top of my head about what ive been going through lately.. every cut i sketch.. a kiss to forget, crimson red pouring down the wrist. a trace of red as the pain drains away. with closed eyes and a heart that barely beats. a dull razor soaked in red weakly being held in my hand. grabbing my skin witnessing the fat attached to my useless body. a dream to cut it all off. to forget the pain. to forget myself. carving scars from the words you spoke to me long ago. falling to the ground and starving myself. feeling hunger pains. ignore it. feeling nothing at all. kissing my only love. kissing the razor that manages to always stay with me. the warmth of the metal pressed against my dry lips. bringing it back down to the skin. the sharp teeth grinding against my flesh. a piercing sensation. small bubbles of blood rise through the slices. a numb shiver. and suddenly.. the pain of everything i am is gone ..for a while. ..until the cycle starts up again and it goes on forever.. was i not pretty enough for your needs? im sorry.. now i am physically unpretty.. i guess you viewed me correctly.. but dont worry.. cus i cant stand being me either.. i agree with you.. - d@wn Current Mood:  numb |
| 2:52a | you can never rely on anyone god i'm so pissed right now. my best friend julia was suppose to come up the 26th... i talked to her that night and she was in NJ so i asked her when she was coming to NY and she never answered me. so today my sister comes home from snowbaording and shes like "julia said hi." and i just went off. i was like "what the fuck! shes here and didnt even bother calling me!" i was so pissed and wanted to cry at the same time. she proably came up here the 27th and its now what.. the 29th? god she didnt even call me or anything! and she knows how bad i wanted to see her. what kind of "best friend" is that???? damnit!!! i wanted to cut so bad but my cousins here and i held it all back and took my anger out on her instead and i feel bad for that i think i know where shes staying. should i call her or just say fuck it let her feel bad? i personally think its really fucked up how someone you havent seen since the summer and claims to be your best friend comes up and doesnt fucking call you!!!!!! sorry for all the cursing but holy shit i'm so pissed off right now. Current Mood:  predatory |
| 3:54p | wow, have i never felt so alone...? well christmas was kool. i got wut i wanted. so that was koo. yeah i even got a new b/f so yeah... life iz good. i guess... i mean i know i shood let him go, but i cant. i wuz jus talkin to him, and he wuz all i gotta go there are chicks here for me, and i dont know y but i wuz sad. i didn't want him to go. but whatever. i have a new one i shoodn't care right? rite... so yeahh. i dont get on the net much ne more so yeah... sorry that i dont rite as much as i cood. and sorry bout my riting, im lazy today. so yeah... well i need to go check my mail, and yeah, so im going to go now ok? ok... as always, your depressing little child at heart Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: only the voices in my head |
| 4:20p | BOREDDDDDDDd *stairs at wall for 24 hours* ugh! im so boredd! I did NOTHING today....not a thing. Mii progress report came today from school...im passing English and math...thats it. Thank god I have 5 weeks till report card come out! My step dad was like yelling at me about my progress report. I hate him. Im not HIS kidd so he has no right to yell at me. He was like "we don't ask you to do anyhting, all you have to do is do good in school" and "what's your proublem?" "why cant you do at least 1 thing right" I know i have to do good in school...buh he does nah even kno me and juzt...it pisses me off when he yelles at me cuz he is like....a stranger to me. My mom and him have been 2gether for like....8 years buh he does not even kno me and i dont know him. We NEVER talk...and when we do...its a fight. He is juzt a stress factor in mii life. Im nah in a ver good mood riight now...mii mom is biitchiing so0o0o00o much...and im like SHUTT UPPPPP!!!!!!!! buh she keeps gooing....its like she wants to fight with me...i mean if she dun talk to mea dn i dun talk to her everything is fine....buh she juzt has to start with me. I can't waite till i can move out....it will be the happyest day of mii life. Well 2marrow mii friend angie is comeing over so that will be funn =]] *sqeek* im'a go <3333 -Maygin Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: LINKIN PARK |
| 5:41p | well.... i cut, too bad... i cut a pretty cross, trying to show some faith in god by carving him in my wrist, i suppose its pretty bad, but what does it matter, i debated it for awhile, but it seemed like the right thing to do, as i sat in the water pool that has become my floor, -- the hole in my water bed, has thus flooded my room,-- so s i sat there in this puddle, after coming home from a horrible realization that i am going to be alone the rest of my life, why the hell shouldnt i cut, no one would care, it wouldnt matter, i'll be dead tomorrow and then i wont have to deal with this pain anymore, so after talking to myself for about 10 min on the subject, i did indeed cut, -----------------i'm going to go into some detail of what happend, if this bothers you, just skip over this next part i grabbed my knife, and then i thought to myself, if i'm going to die what would be the coolest thing to have on my wrist, and sense i'm a fairly strong christain person, i figured a cross would be sutable, so away i went, at first i just scrached, where it would be, the size, and then i went aross first, i placed the knife down, and i pressed down really hard, and just slowly dug into the flesh, and then i put it back in the same spot, made sure it was lined up, and i pushed down, and i went really fast ovre the already opened cut, and then i did that acouple times,going over it fast, and then then i folowed the same proses going upward, at one point i was just carving, like i was going to saw my arm off, -------------------the gore ends now for ppl who skiped it-------------------------------------- so then, once i saw what i had done, i put the knife away, turned off my light and just layed down on my floor, this was about 330, then around 530, i woke up all wet and everything around me was went and damn it, this, pissed me off, both waking up, but as if waking up wasent bad enough i was wet, so i just sat around, got ready for work, went to work, did the rutine shit there, came home, and updated this, |
| 8:07p | Ahhh! omg, if i dun get out off mii house soon im'a go crazyyy *screamzz** X_x -maygin Current Mood:  crazyCurrent Music: The Starting Line |
| 9:04p | hi Hey guys, I'm new. I've been cutting for about 3 years now, the stopped cutting, started again and am once again trying to stop. Check out my new SI community  xnothingxsafexCurrent Mood: coldCurrent Music: saves the day[freakish] |
| 9:35p | hit me... y do the most important guys in my life feel like its alright to hit me... mi dad hits me. i think his dad hit him as a kid... and my mom would never let him hit me to leave marks but when mi dad and i r juss playin around he gets carried away. he hits too much. it doesnt really hurt but its the whole idea. it really gets annoying after awhile... walkin past him and him punchin me in the arm or kickin me or the little things that juss really would get on ur nerves. and they say that once ur in one abusive relationship that u are prone to be in another. well its true. it seem like all the most important guys in my life hit me. my next door neighbor the one i WAS like in love hit me all the time. and that was what made me relize that i get hit by everybody. i guess i give off this vibe that ITS ALL RIGHT TO HIT ME REALLY GO AHEAD ITS ALL RIGHT CUZ I WONT DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT! i dont kno what to do... im not really gettin beatin... but more like bullied. maybe that sounds a little stupid but i dont kno how else to say it... o well don worry ill be fine... Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: thoughts in my head |
| 10:50p | my "family" hates me. wow. that was unexpected. wow. i was at the mall today with kayla...and my sister went to get her nails done...she told us to meet her back there in 20 minutes...but we got sidetracked in H&M...and didnt find her for an hour and 20 minutes...we thought it would take longer for her to get her nails done... so we finally find her, and apparently she had us paged, she had my brother call me cell like twice (it didnt ring) and had my dad call me. MY PHONE NEVER RANG! and my sister called my brother at home, and it got recorded on the answering machine... and apparently, every oen in my famliy really dsoent like me...and they back stab me,. (well what should i have expected) my brother callde me a scumbag, and a bitch, my sister back stabbed me, and my dad called me a little shit. it was all recorded on the answering machine...and my brother knew...and near teh end he said "oh we should hang up...the answering machies recording this and we dont want her to hear it." woo. dont I feel loved. well maybe i shoudlnt be so offended. there not prizes either. my sisters and alcholic (i can never spell that), my brother cant function with out weed, and my dads just...well...fucking crazy. and im not kidding.andmy mom? lets just say shes not in the right mind. she was in rehab last year and goes fucking nuts over the stupidest shit. grr. im really upset about this tho. *sigh* oh well... Current Mood:  pissed off |
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