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Monday, December 29th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:08a | something makes me carry on its difficult to understand i hate this, my stomuch hurts so bad, its cramps, but not, cause its not that time, it feels like my appendix exploded, and i wanna lie down so bad, but everytime i lie down i cant stop thinking about when i was molested or anything..along thoose lines, and i looked at my buddy list on aim and cried, im jealous cause i doubt theres anyone of my friends who has to go to sleep and remeber all this shit, fucking no one, no one at all.they're not all suffering as bad as me, they're asleep and they cant feel ANYTHING and they were never hurt as bad as i am, god i cant even cry cause then im gonna make my parents wake up, i just wanna be able to fall asleep..i'd give anything to be able to peacefully lay in bed ..i want sleeping pills, i wanna shoot herion, i wanna be high anything to make this go away, i cant even cut my stomuch hurts so bad ..if cutting would make this go away i would do it, ..can you get high off of cigarettes..like empty the shit inside and smoke it on a bong..if only, this sucks i cant light it, but hey it tastes like a cigarette, so fuck i just wanna inhale this thing whole and fall asleep..jeez im shaking, oh i'd give anything to go outside and smoke ..eh i need to keep rambling cause i can't sleep so lets see, i have aboyfriend, he treats me like shit, what else is new, i fucking hate him for making me depressed and im gonna dump him on teusday, he makes me so sad i hate him for it.. dear everyone who i know in person who is asleep, i hate you, you suck, i wish i could sleep, im jealous cause you dont have to suck and a cigarette and you dont wish you were asleep cause you already fucking are i made a braclet..it says just make it go away, if only i love nirvana so fucking much, the song you know you're right, love right there..okay, im gonna go paint my nails? yea theres this list on ruinyourlife.com of like 100 things to do instead of cutting, im gonna do all the retarted ones until i collapse..fucking nifty eh? ill make another "hi my name is _ and im fucking loser" entry when im not all emo like this .. thanks for listening, if you read this, it really means alot Current Mood: upset Current Music: t |
| 9:30a | hmm... ive been cutting int he same spot 4 a week... its like 2 centimeters deep... my mom noticed, i blamed it on the dog...i dont think she believes me... adn i thought of 1 girl while i did it...she took my b/f of 5 yrs... i act nice 2 her but i really hate her.... im so two faced wen it comes 2 her.... i enjoy tormenting her...is this bad... i dunno, she pisses me off so fucking much... i wrote like 6 poems about her, if any 1 wants 2 c em... comment... well 6 recent almost 1/2 my poems are about her.... i hope shes suffering, i hope she feels bad.... i want her 2 se the cuts i made cause of her!... and i want her 2 cry.... my cuts so damn itchy... bye Gina Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: staind- for you |
| 9:56a | hmmm that chiky jus read my post... oh well im fuckin mad as hell and i do hate her like she hates me...i kno she does....but i hope she knos my advice was not miss leading... oh well i shud of made it miss leading....haha..hmmm.... this world is so fucked up |
| 11:28a | going to the mall today around 330 w/ the family *ugh, the family* and im gonna get my lip peirced in lifestyles while my younger sisteris at the other end of the mall in hot topic...oh shes going to be soooo jelous/angry when i get there and my lip is peirced....*laughs* hehehe. so yeh...im kinda scared of how much its gonna hurt, but ill bring some asprin w/ me lol. well i gg now so ill let you guys know how the lip peircing went |
| 2:27p | well, while i've been thinking about it for some time, for some reasons... i really feel like just runing away. I've been planning it out and everything... this... i must say... is odd, But i've given it quite some thought, and i'm thinking it might be a good thing, heres the plan, just to rant, rave, and fill space, Blah Well, i was going to clean out my poor excuse for a bank account, and then, write letters to people, that is more on a personal letter, and well, yeah, Then, i will pack acouple shrits and pants in a backback, a small pillow, and wrap a blanket around me, i would take my knife with me, just beucase of symbalism and such, (i'm a big fan of symbalism -- even though i cant spell it--) and of course i would have to take my book and sword, --yeah i'm one of those people who lives by the sword and all that stuff, its just a way of life-- and then i will go on my way... i would go to further my training, such as martial arts, swordsman ship, i like to strive to be the best, ^-^ but i've found that i'm not going to try to be perfect, i dont like setting myself up for failure like that, but to be the best, that would be cool, --there is a big gap between perfect and the best-- and on this journy of mine, i might follow threw with one of my, kinda out there dreams, i want to have a book published, so i could that, maybe more than that, hell i've written 3 or 4 full stories, or novles, short strories, what ever the hell you wish to call them, one of love poems, death poems, life poems, oh yeah many many books, and then, the really kinda out there but would be nice dream... make a movie, its great writing and such, but i'm not a reader, i cant stay awake while reading, its just something that i dont partake in doing, so i would like to see one of the my stories come to life, i think that would fill me with so much joy and full fillment, ( yeah i dont know how to spell that, to damn bad) so then, but in the meantime, i would come back to my home every once and awhile, --not to be seen of course-- but find a way to update this incase anyone wondered, then leave little things to ppl that i can stand, to let them know that i'm still alive, weither to dissapoint them or give them a ssense of hope, thats up to them, and then once all is said is done, i will come home, write an autobiography, and then see where life takes me from there, yeah kinda far fetched, but hell, some of those things could happen, and hell, it would be quite the trip, and why the hell not, its my dream damn it, so yeah... In reality it would be more, run away from home with my stuff, die, never heard of again or ust run and not come home, start a new life, and that thing, who knows i dont know i just dont know but hey, it made for a good update, but why stop there, lets take this keyboard and run damn it, -- i'm somewhat feeling better and its nice to be able to actually type and not have to struggle to much-- i'm in the prosees of beating devil may cry 2 on hard mode -- i'm a HUGH devil may cry fan -- i still think that game is to easy, the 1st one was pretty tough, but the 2nd one hell i'm just flying threw that little fucker, haha ^-^ they shall fall to my power, **evil laughter** anyway... talked to the ex the other day... it finshed with a love ya from her, i dont know if that is good or bad, (i still want to be with her) so i'm debating if i should just take my sword and drive it threw the heart of her boyfriend, threw her, threw me, or if i should just wait and see what happens, but yes... that was somewhat random, but thats ok, as of right now i'm just trying to pretend every things ok, watched some movies, good movies, samurai x reflections, (i'm a samurai fan.. duh) for those of u who know samurai x... yes i'm an anime person, i think its an amzaing form of art, hey heres something to try... any anime fans out there who actually read this... post a comment of ur favorite anime, just for my own curisty, ^-^ some of my favorites are dragonballz, vampire hunter d, cowboy bebop, ruroni kenshin, samurai x, just to name a few, ... i wonder how much a responce i will get from that... ... wow i've not eaten in several days due to this damned flu sick thing, damn it... i'm gong to search for food **goes to look for food** ... .. . piece of ham, peanut butter cup, peaches, and root beer, yum yum . .. ... well... i've come to relize, that people here seem to know each other, as in... talk to one another, i wouldnt mind getting to know some more ppl, --hint hint-- someone told me the matrix sucked last night... wow... i think that person needs some revaluation of life... holy shit i have a dentist appotment soon, damn... i was going to go on and on, i'm sure ur all dissapointed... i'm sorry i just need to rant and rave, but i'm gone for now but i shall be back wish you all the best |
| 3:55p | hmmm i didnt kno carleigh joined...and hun i didnt kno that it was that serious wiff ur dad... i kno we have hard times and all but im here for you...my mother hits me..most of the time i cut because of her...and patrick, but he doesnt kno that...only once in a while cause of u.... im soryr that 2day u had 2 see those pictures, i dun think i really would of sent them to you n im pissed at kait 4 showing you...she wants me 2 leave you alone...but i dun kno if u want me 2 leave u alone. let me kno if u do... ihate what ive become. i hate the person i am... and i hate myself for making you cry n makin ur life harder... i just have so much angst.... maybe i should just get away from patrick and all... i have a boyfriend and i got to let go of the past sum time, why not start 2 day? right...but u kno thats easy to say but very hard 2 do... i feel so pathtic... is it wrong i cant let go of a dream and im very well known wont come true?... i dunno... and the reason i get so mad at u is because u sit here and u say that ur depressed and that u hate life and all and besides pat breaking up with u (which u'll get back together if i stop talkin 2 him, so i will) and ur dad, u seem 2 have a pretty good life and mine, well mine is so fcked up...my heads fucked up... i have no 1 to talk 2... i have jill but sum things i kno she wont get adn i kno that i have kait but i never kno where her intentions are... its been awhile since i thought of suicide, but its running thro my head again... i prolly wont do it cause i feel lik i deserve 2 stay alive and suffer... i deserve 2 get talked be hind my back and lose the ppl i love the most... arg!! i cant take this shit... but w/e u prolly dun care and like others u dun understand, i dont think any 1 does... i would talk 2 my therapist but 1) i lost her # 2) she'll try 2 put me on meds or 3) send me 2 the hospital like before and im not goin there again ...so w/e ill jus leave u adn every 1 else alone...thanx 4 rubbing it in my face that u all are goin 2 the mall adn didnt invite me, that mademe feel great u kno ... fuck it all im gonna go cut Current Music: staind- cant believe |
| 5:52p | ok, i'm going to put in here now a horrible experience that i had today today... i had to go... to the dentist.... but before you even go to the dentist your so parinoid about ur teeth, the usuall 5 min it takes to brush, now turns into a 15 min bloodbath, as u stand and u brush and brush, and u want those little fuckers clean, so eventuall ur gums give in and they bleed all over the place, and then u have to get that off, and then damn it u need to go, but not before checking ur teeth, then you have to go there, and the parking is all fucked up, so once you take care of that you have to sit in the waiting room next to the giant toothbrush, and read the damned book, the lost tooth or some crap like that, where some kids get in a fight because they bet on who would lose a tooth first, and then when the one kid loses he doesnt have the balls to pay the kid but does anyway, they get in a fight, boo hoo, then they make up and the tooth fairy gives them money, if that, is not bad enough, then the lady with her brightly colored teeth shirt comes out, with her big ass smile, yeah that shit cant fool me, i know what she is going to do, then they take you back in there little room, then they ask you that damned question So how are you doing" i responded with, "eh well i'm just getting over the flu" thinking that hey, she wont want to do this if i am hacking all over the place, haha i thought ahead, then she goes off on her little tangent of whats going on in her life, yeah, thats wonderful, I DONT CARE, i dont care about ur sons soccer game or ur daughters dance rehersal, it only pretains to your own little world witch when put in the grand schme of things, is minute, pathetic, and i'm not alone when i say i just dont want to hear about it, clean the teeth, send me on my way, so anyway, then they get there little mirror and stab u in the gums thing, and they just scrap and scrap and scrap, ahhhhhhhhhhh, there not that dirty, stupid bitch, and then, she has to pull on every one of them, i mean yank at them to make sure there really there or something, i dont know, her and her little suck the spit tube that drys ur mouth to a point where it should just not be, then she gets her little squrit guns and sprays u in the mouth, back and forth, making sure to whip off all the blood from where she accidently stabs me in the gums, one of these days she is gong to poke an eye out with that thing, so then after that hellish 15 min of stairing at the clock, trying to egnore whats going on in my mouth, she gives u alittle cup, and then you go to spit it in the cup, AND THE BITCH PULLED THE CUP AWAY what the hell, so now i look like a fag baby with the pink bib, and now it has this spit shit all over it, damn it, then the real densist comes in with his gloves, opens my mouth, looks for about 3 seconds, well everything looks fine here, good job, keep brushing, WHAT THE FUCK, WE PAY PEOPLE TO PUT US THREW HELL, AND THEN THE "REAL" DOCTOR COMES IN AND DOESNT DO SHIT, HELL I COULD DO HIS JOB, HE GOES TO COLLAGE TO LOOK IN MY MOUTH AND GO, 'GOOD JOB' FUCK YOU DENTIST and now as i eat my hamburger it still feels funny, i cant enjoy my dinner now, stupid bitch, i hate the dentist |
| 7:11p | holidays i'm back and i'm sorry that i've been away for so long. things have been... complicated. baic run down- i'm in deep shit, my best friend has been sent away to mexico, the rest of my friends aren't friends anymore or are suicidal, and i'm not coping any better. so, instead of recapping how all of this happened in a poem or song or just ranting, like i usually would, i decided just to gloss over it and say something like "chop sticks" because they are great. honestly, they are. i am going to go bleed myself beautiful now, i just wanted to say a quick hello, and i will try to catch up as much as i can. j |
| 8:10p | la la la Today was a pretty good day, i went 4wheelin. It was pretty fun. buh it kinda got me sadd. It got me sadd becuase last summer...i want to PA to go 4 wheeling and i met this really awesome kidd down therr name Kyle...and like we hit it off really...and like sum stuff happened and he like asked me out...and we have been going out for 7 monts now...and like i talk to him on-line and on the phone everyday...i mean i really love this kidd. And 4 wheelin today juzt like reminded me of how awesome it was like physcly being with him. *sigh* long distance relationships really suck! Mii best friend Angie just got back from las vegas...so im happy about that... well thatz about it <33 -maygin Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: AFI |
| 10:54p | AUGH! so me n my dad n my bro go to lifestyles and what do we find out?? the peircer is out sick! so we drive by this place where kyle got his lip peirced, and it was closed cuz no lights were on, then my dad brings me to this place on rubber ave. and there peircer was out having a baby *or his wife, they never said the gender* so go fucking figure rite? i was this huge ball of emotion, i was crying my eyes out for no reason really....well in the mall it was cuz my dad called me a pain in the ass, so i went to the bathroom and cryed in there...we got home and i called travis's house, but no one answered, so i ate dinner and called julie and now im here, my mom is calling lifestyles 2morrow *i think to see if the peircer is there* and my dad is picking me up after he gets home from work so hopefully, im getting my lip peirced 2morrow.... well im gonna go now, nuthing to say really. |
| 11:39p | Well..I cut today..I did it in a big X...everything was really fucked up today but then I went to the mall with my friends so I was all better..I am fine now..I have 3 razors and a piece of glass..I love my razors and glass.. uh huh...w.e ~me~ Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: nothing |
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