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Friday, December 26th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 3:11a | sick of it all the other day i asked my mom why the girl who slit her wrists might be getting admitted to the hospital again...and she said becasue she cuts. shes takes a knife to her arm and razors. she cuts when she doesnt get her way. i'm like that sounds like she wants attention. if she doesnt get her way it seems like she cuts to get her mom to feel bad so she will get her way. you know what i mean? so i was like not all people who cut cut for attentiion. and shes like really? i was like yeah not all people who cut want attention. and her expression was like she never thought of it any other way as to why people cut. and i was about ot say that i do it.. but i didnt. so say if my mom finds out i cut... shes probably going to end up giving me more attention. that i dont want! i hate attention! and i feel like this girl is making me look bad :( i'm so sick of living a double life. you can tell if you read my journal. in there i seem so happy but really.. i'm not. i'm sick of putting a smile on. when i smile its like ok.. shes ok. but i'm not. i can't take it anymore. in school i make myself talk just becasue i feel bad of hurting the person whos talking to me. it might sound weird but its true. so i basically force myself to be happy. and i havent writing in a while and its borthering me really bad. its not like i cant just take out a peice of paper and think. it has to naturally come to me. i havent wrote since... november 15th or something. it sucks. its part of who i am and it jsut disspaeared. damnit! my best friend is coming up tommorw.. but i dont know when i'm going to see here. she moved in 6th grade.. i think thats when everything started happening. julia (bestfreind) is the only one i was actually close to and got me out of the house. she comes up every now and then and it makes me feel so happy when i see her. its like everything dissapers. i went down to NC to vist her this summer. i stayed 2 weeks. that was awsome. but we never really got to talk. were exacly the same its so scary. we both hate life, we agree on everything.. its weird. and i miss her so much that i cant be with her everyday. she knows i cut. we share secrets that no one else knows. i was talking to her toinght and we were both saying how when she comes up were just gonna sit in my room and let everything we hate about life out. spill everything and just cry. i need that. and she doesnt cut and she tells me to stop but she doesnt understand. yet i ahte how shes my best freind and lives so far away. it sucks. kind of like my cousin jess. were mad tight to like you would not believie but yet i do keep secrets from her only becasue shes my cousin. and she to lives far away. 2 hours. it really sucks how the people your really clsoe to are so far way. damnit i hate it! -manda Current Mood:  sickCurrent Music: |
| 6:26p | I know this has nothing to do with cutting but... I was on the computer and I had this [ http://chalise.homestead.com/files/dearbush.gif ] on the screen and my dad said "I don't know about that." Which I found really weird because we've talked about that before. I came back from church with Beth a couple weeks ago and on the car ride home, somehow Beth, her dad and I got onto the subject of AIDS. And then homosexuality came up. And it kinda pissed me off because her dad was really... uncool about it. I stated that I thought that you can be born gay. And I also admitted that there are those people who choose to be gay (and sometimes that's for the "status" or to get attention which disgust me). But anyway, he was like "No, it's myth that you're born gay. It's a sin, blah blah blah." Ok, I have a few different opinions. If you should choose between being beaten up and possibly killed for being gay (like Matthew Shepherd) or being straight and having a happier life, I think you'd chose to be straight. And also, my dad and I were talking about it and he had reason to believe that homosexuality can be genetic. He said something about X and Y chromosomes or something about hybrids? I can't remember, but anyway. And I was talking to someone else and he said almost every species of animals can be homophobic. And if being gay is a sin, why would God even bother to create you? I mean, I'm not religious what so ever, but I do believe in God but I don't always agree with some religious beliefs. Some people say that men aren't "meant" to be attracted to other men, but I think that if someone is gay, God probably meant for them to be that way. But when my dad said that he didn't agree with that banner, I was completely thrown off. The banner is exactly right. Love has nothing to do with gender, race, religion, or anything. LOVE IS LOVE. God, what is wrong with people? If being gay makes you happy, there's nothing wrong with that. And if you're a male in love with another male, or maybe the other way around, there's nothing wrong with that. Sorry I just rambled so much, but I wanted to get that off my chest and maybe see some other peoples' opinion on the subject. |
| 7:50p | kels HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!:) and miss u tons x a billion trillion!! Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: slipknot - mistake. |
| 8:27p | *sqeek* Today I went to the mall with Kayla and Jesse. I felt really badd becuse at first we planned to go 2 the mall at 12. But kayla told me this morning that she did not wanna go so early...and i forgot to tell jesse...so he was there waiting for us for like 2 hours. lol. I felt badd. And i also felt bad that: Me kayla n Lauren were on the phone, and me and kayla were talking about going to the mall, and i was waiting for kayla to invite Lauren....and she never did...so i asked kayla in the car why she did not invite Lauren and she told me she could not go...she had 2 go up north...so its all good. The mall was fun ;] I got candels n Incents...and i bought a yellowcard CD....i was SO happy....i got the LAST copy of it at FYE and i have been wanthing this CD for a long time cuz i really like Yellowcard...and i guess i set the CD down somewere and 4got 2 pic it up....so i lost it x_X That shitt was 16$! Im angry about that! ;[ o-wellz i hope erry1 had a good holidayy ;]] <333 -maygin Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: The Starting Line |
| 8:33p | o0o o0o i 4got 2 write about this.... iight well me and mii friend kayla were sitting in the lobby of the mall waiting for her dad 2 pick us up. And I saw this girl that is mii math class.....so i said how to her. this is the convo: me- "Heyy" her- "hi" me- "were have you been? you have nah been in math for a really long time." her- "yea, i was in the hospital" me-"awww, what happened? are you ok" Her- (she said this like it was NO big deal....like its normal) "o i was in there for a sucide attempt" me- " omg....*gasp*" her- "yepp" and SMILES im in totall shock even tho i dont like her very much....i hope she is gonna be ok -maygin Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: The Starting LIne |
| 8:38p | yea went to the mall t'day.. im sure you all read maygins entry [unheard_voices]h,mm well me and may were sittin around waiting for my dad to show so we could leave, and this girl came up, not a very close firnd ou=f ours, not really evena friedn at all. and she'd been absent form school for a while- and i guess maygin had sit near her in some classes and knew her just as aquaintences. well may asked why she had been out, cos she appeared fine.. and she in turn giggled and siad all non-schlant "suicide attempt"... and may was like "ohhh.. really" and she goes "yea.."... then there was some varios small talk and she left. may looked at me and was liek O_O. seriously. it bothered me she had said it just so nonschalant. she said it as if she was talkin about like.. the yankees or somehting. it was just so. wow. i mean. i wasnt supried she had tried, cos i knew she cut herself- but the fact she tlaked abotu it like nothing, and in front of me someone she didnt even know. it was just so.. i duno.. it kinda bothered me.. but whatever if she wants to tlak abotu it; its her decision. hmm what else.. well my legs hurt like the dickins cos when im not out somewhere and when my family memebers arent occupiing the tele im playin g DDR[dance dance revolution] nonstop. lol. im'a nerd. ; D well i hope everyone had the bestest kickass-est holliday ever in their lives. ; D Current Mood:  chipperCurrent Music: two mix |
| 8:42p | ok hello every 1... todays the day after chirtmas hmmm i dont get it, i used 2 cut like 10 diff slices at 1 time...now i do 1 2 or 3 times but i cut deep...hmmm i wonder which 1 is better, i guess i stoped doin so many cause my parnets keep an eye on my wrists... i changed 2 my ankle but the skin is so thick there... i dunno.... but yeah i cut christmas eve and yesterday adn 2day... i jus keep tracing over the same 2... there mighty deep by now.... the last time i did that (( bout 3 weeks ago)) and now the scars are like fucking dark as hell... im sorta happy bout that, scars are like mile stones 2 me. and scars are beautiful... so w/e alright good bye Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: metallica- nothing else matters |
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