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Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 1:49a | Wow. Christmas is a day away. and I couldnt be more un-happy. It seems like no one comments on anyones entries anymore. it seems like people say they care but they dont. it seems like everyone is fake. fake just like how i am everyday of my life, pretending im okay. w.e This is pointless. |
| 10:05a | i hate this fuckin thing...ne ways. last night i told chas (my best friend) that i didn't like her b/f and she didnt seem to care, then later when i went to her house she must have told her mom and her mom had a problem with it. her mom was in the other room and started to talk loud enough 4 me to here her. she started sayin shit about chas's b/f and juss rude shit about me. i couldnt take it so i got up and walked out. i was really pissed. i wanted to scream and cry at the same time. i mean i kno her mom talks about everybody behind there backs like shes big shit but i kne her for 7 years. i mean wouldnt u think by now that if she had a problem with sumtin i said she would juss tell me!! GOD! chas always does this. i say sumtin to her and she runs and tells her mom. im surprised that she hasnt told her that i cut. gezz! im juss tired of the shit. i love chas shes my best friend but i juss cant take it nemore. i put up with so much shit from her. for what!? juss for her to use me and listen to her complain. im sick of it! i do so much for her juss to have her let her mom talk about like im not there. i cant believe her! juss cuz i said that i didnt like her b/f. i never said that i didnt like her, or that i wouldnt talk to her cuz shes goin out with him, or neshit like that. grr... well when i did come back from her house i juss went up stairs and got my blade out. i looked at it and thought no i cant do it. and i didnt. i probley will though today. wouldnt she juss shit if she ever found out that she was the reason that i cut...grr neways g2g luv always kris Current Mood:  bitchy |
| 10:48a | merry fucking cristmas well every one. its christmas eve, and its raining. but honestly, i do want to wish you all the best tonite, and i really do want to wish you all a merry christmas.you all deserve it. well, i havent cut in a quite some time, and my last cuts have healed, and now i just have some purple scars, but there fading with time. i think im stopping for good.only problem is, instead of cutting, lately ive been resorting to head banging, which im guessing is more damaging then cutting... ive been reading entries all morning. and again, ive come to the conclusion that i screw everything up. i depress so many people with jsut my presence. but i do know one thing. i CAN keep secrets, even if people dont believe me, i CAN keep them. not everything some one tells me i automatically tell mike. but i suppose that doesnt matter, even tho i havent done anything wrong, people still dont trust me. well merry christmas every one...im gonna go walk in the cemetary across the street in the rain. if its not too cold that is. oh, and on a sadder note, 3 days ago, one of my dads really good friends passed away. he was a great guy, and my family is gonna miss him dearly. RIP tommy. Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: everclear-wonderful |
| 2:22p | * Fuck it. Im soo mad. "gr" I cut... agian, dammit! I was going so good without doing it... until this week. ugh. Im so upset. At least its not all that bad. I didnt cut that deep. Its only really red and it stings. The worst part is that I broke a promise. A few actually. I think I dont cut when Im sad. I haven't been all that sad for a while. I think I cut from pure anger, madness and rage. Im so fucking hot headed. I soo dont want this depression to restart. I painted my nails black, again. But without me really knowing it. I guess I was in my own little gray cloud again. this sucks. Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: yellowcard |
| 3:14p | lesse....merry xmas every one! um....yeh, chilled w/ travis last nite, went over megans, chilled there, travis drove me home n we sat outside n talked for a while, then i came inside *i really didn't want to, i wanted to stay n talk* but what can ya do? so yeh, im goin to my aunts house tonite *we have a family xmas party every xmas eve..idk its a swedish thing* so um merry xmas every one |
| 3:14p | lesse....merry xmas every one! um....yeh, chilled w/ travis last nite, went over megans, chilled there, travis drove me home n we sat outside n talked for a while, then i came inside *i really didn't want to, i wanted to stay n talk* but what can ya do? so yeh, im goin to my aunts house tonite *we have a family xmas party every xmas eve..idk its a swedish thing* so um merry xmas every one |
| 3:31p | Christmas eve...enjoy it the best u can ahhh, Christmas eve once again. I have mixxed feelings. I mean so far today i have had a pretty good day, I slept till about 11.30 so thatz good. I love to sleep.....When you sleep you like get away from the world....buh the only thing that sucks about sleeping is trying to get 2 sleep...sitting therr in the dark waiting till you fall asleep...ugh i hate that. It like gives me time to think about everythign and i get depressed and sometimes cry miiself to sleep. But anwayz back to christmas...mii "steps dads" parents are comeing over 2night for dinner. I hate them. The are just like mii step dad....only old and loud. I hate when my mom makes me come out of mii room and tells me to spend time wiith "the family". Therr not mii family. I hate them and i want nothing to do wiith them. I dont even spend time with mii real family....let alone step family. Another thing that pisses me off about christmas...is that people put on a smile and act all happy juzt because its christmas and thats how you have to be. Im not gonna put on a smile becuase "thats what you have to do" its bull shit and im not going to act any different. Im kinda excited to see what i did get for christmas...thats always a fun part of christmas.....buh like the second the christmas morning fun is over....things go back to the way they were. Fighting and yelling...will it ever end? just for 1 day? i guess not. Why do things have to be so badd? I mean i always tought familys are supposed to do the best things for therr kidds...and be nice to them and not call them mean names and yell at them from no reason...and i also thought friendship was more important then boy/girlfriends....i mean your friends are alwayz terr 4 you.....buh reationships end faster then friendships....i mean what if u throw your friendship away for a relationshipp and the relationshipp dun work out? then ur screwed and alone....idk maybe things have changed....er maybe im juzt a better friend then so people....idk anymore. -kayla and Ryan have really awsome christmas's and things gett better for you all. i love u guys <333 -Lauren and Mike....merry christmas. everyone else....i hope that your christmas is the best it can be...you all desurve the best! I love you guys lotss *huggs everyone* <333 -maygin Current Mood: aggravatedCurrent Music: Yellocard "empty apartment" |
| 5:46p | "I don't want to feel this way forever" (thursday) Hello. I'm Lauren. I joined awhile ago but never posted. I figured now would be a good time because I started cutting on Christmas of last year. I dont know why... it just bothers me that I still do it. It's like, I don't want to be a cutter all my life, but I don't see myself stopping in the near future. In my head it's always, "Okay, this is the last time." But it's never the last time. I don't know if I make sense. I feel strangely guilty. Yet when I look at scars or something... I feel almost proud. Idk. I just came in here to complain. I figured people understand better here, or at least try to understand. Lately, I've been cutting out of self loathing. I just... get so mad at myself. I feel like I need to be punished, yet cutting is in a way rewarding. I guess I just get so angry at myself that I just want to kick and scream and start a riot, so I cut. It's hard to explain. I get so paranoid around people, I feel like everyone hates me. I can barely speak to people. I'm so quiet, and people always point it out which makes it worse. I want to be outgoing, funny, interesting. Yet I'm dull and quiet and I hate it. And I feel like I bring other people down. And there's always this voice in my head telling me things. I can't control it. It's me telling myself, yet I can't stop it. "You're stupid. You're boring. No one is going to like you anymore. They realize how dull you are." And if I do allow myself to talk to people, I feel like I say realllllllllly stupid things. Which is almost worse. IDK. It's just... tearing me apart. I can't have a social life because of it. I'm too convinced that I annoy everyone. That I'm like... a fucking burden to be around. Everyone always told me "when you get to highschool, you'll make more friends, there will be more people like you." Fuck that. I've never felt so alone in my life. School makes me wanna puke. It's too hard to get up and go and be invisible all fucking day. "Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are"-Kurt Cobain. And I feel like that is SO true. I feel like my inner person is dying because I try to be better all the time. I can't accept myself. I just... despise me. And I can't do anything about it. Sorry if I rambled way too much. I just would like to know if someone else feels similar... and I would really like to know if someone has felt this way but somehow got over it. I just... I can't take much more of myself. Current Mood: aggravatedCurrent Music: File 13, AFI |
| 6:01p | so its xmas eve.. woo.. i guess.. no.. i dunno... it hasnt been that bad. i just wish i could talk to someone other then my family. ; \ i can but no one else is home. and im scared to call.. lol. well it doesnt feel like xmas. *sigh* i want my friends to be happy. il post later.. have a goodone... maygin and ryan-i love you guys so much. you have no idea. im sorry abotu last friday. i didnt mean to upset you guys. and i know i did. but merry christmas. <3333333 lo-thanx for dealin with my shit. i love you. sorry abtou alotta stuff.. merry xmas.. |
| 6:06p | new new heyy im new up in here, i dont cut....yet....like i wanna start so bad i cant stand anythign anymore and i read on here and it sounds like it helps so much i kinda was looking for like, directions or tips on how to cut myself effectively....like ive been suicidal for quite a while, and like, i have depression but when i try to commit suicide i do it like...weid ways.....i tried swallowing glass......random stuff ud never think of ive done.....i came here to talk to people who know whats its like.... So, yeah thats me *M a J i K Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: Numb-Linkin Park |
| 8:42p | x_X family=death im soooooo annoyed riight now lol u have no idea. Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: raido |
| 11:17p | I absolutey love this song by Jack Off Jill. It has to do w/ self mutilation..so I thought why not post it in here. Anyways, its a great song with great lyrics. Turn her over A candle is lit, I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me Curse me sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over Called her over and asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here Hex me told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say "Some things you lose and some things you just give away" Scold me failed her If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me Watch me lose her It's almost like losing myself Give her my soul and let them take somebody else get away from me Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over all over me Umm...latest mutilation? a heart sliced into my ankle. Very pretty. Happy holidays everyone Current Mood:  awakeCurrent Music: jack off jill |
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