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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 3:31p | AHHHH.. STRESSNESSS!!!! jesus christ.. im gunna B U R S T ! ! ! ! !.. gadd. Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: f-minus [x] sweating blood |
| 5:05p | im in need of major advice. alright my new years goal is to be under 100 Ibs, and i know this isnt the 'losing weight' community but i was just wondering if anyone knew of any good dietary plans or anything to lose just a few pounds. im in desperate need. on a lighter note, hope everyone is doing well. ive just been so busy lately pre-occupying myself with other shit and x-mas is just around the corner.. unfortunatly. time to see the fake family again. blah. if anyone has any advice, id really appreciate it. spanx. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: give it up - homegrown |
| 8:39p | 3 days till hell Great....if Christmas is nah badd enought mii "step dads" parents are comeing over on christmas eve....fuck. Now i have 2 put on mii fake smile and be nice and stay in the living room wiith everyone. its gonna suck so badd. I mean i hate charlie (mii "step dad") and i hate his family even more. They are SO annoying. X_x 2marrow is mii last day of school for like more then a week, so thats good i guess....buh i kno by the time the 3 day of break comes along im'a want to go back cuz i hate being home. School would not be that bad if i aint have 2 get up so earlyy. Well its almost new years....and i wanna make mii new years resaloution to stop cutting...buh cutting is oike a drug....its like you say ur gonna stop buh the shit gets badd and u do it again...u can like never stop *sigh*.........i want 2 stop.......i need to stop.....ugh. well....if i aint post....Merry Christmas erry1.....try to make it as enjoyable as possable love lotsss <333 -maygin Current Mood:  crankyCurrent Music: Kyle talking <33 |
| 9:28p | well i had to go to the airport with my bitch couins to pick up andrew. .my aunt called me yesterday and asked and of course i had to say yes. so he told me he learned how to play guitar. read more in my journal. um he looekd diffrent and was nicer you could say. on the ride home.. 45 minutes i did a lot thinking. i was sitting in the middle so straight ahead i could see the road and it was dark. so i jsut sat there staring at the blank road.. bascially staring at nothing and i was thinking about me cutting, how i wanted to be sent away, how lucky andrew was to be away form this shit hole, how i wanted to be in a place with a whole buch of other people with problems, eat crappy food, and get home schooled. i dont know why but i really want to go to that place. that place i've been thinking about. i don't know where it is but i want to go there. hm. so great christmas in 3 days.. joy... actually 2.. xmas eve.. hm.. so this was the end of amandas tourture day 1. 2 more days then i'll be free of crappy family time Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: |
| 9:36p | 1st hey im new here and i was so happy to finally ind out im not alone .....:-) i update alot so yea.... *PhoeniX Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: none |
| 10:49p | ive been researching anorexia and bulimia lately. i know it sounds wont but it really intrests me. i've always envied the people who were that skinny. i always wished i could be that. i mena.. i know im not huge.. im not really over weight.. i just feel huge and obeasly over weight. and i want to meet MY standards of weight not someone elses. i gotta go.. ill write later.. --- |
| 11:54p | The trust barriers were never there Well lets see. Its been a few since I have updated. No one will listen or care so there really is no point in this post. But I would actually liek to state these facts just because Who knows maybe I wont cut tonight. Well, My moms best friend called my mom while we were shopping they talked for ever and I was wrapping a present and she was sitting right on the couch next to me when I heard my mom say "shes in college isnt she?" then "Yeha it seems like the popular thing to do huh?" and yeah right then I knew Sue had brought up cutting to my mom again. and Ughhh I had to pretend not to care and finish wrapping the present. And NOW after her FRIEND tells her I have a problem that I need help (shes didnt say that btu youll realize it in a moment) But no her DAUGHTER'S word isnt good enough? Wow that blows my mind. But yes then I heard my mom say "Wel lI have to find out who my insurance is, it changes this January" and just yeah Idk I think thats extrememly fucked up that she doesnt believe her own daughter yet shes believe her friend? god wtf. W/e i dont care anymore. But I actually cut on my forearm for the first time my left forearm. 5 cuts. Not deep or anything but I just ran the blade up and down a million times for one cut and yeah that actualyl made me feel better than if I woudl ahve done it deep,. I woudl have just kept going. But anyways. My friends party was okay. This guy she likes was there and Yeah it was fucked up he like wanted to play this basketball thign with me and he has a broken arm and so His cast kept hitting me and it hurt so i touched his shoulder and moved him aroudn to the otherside and my friend said I was flirting with him. I wanted to fuck her up right then, OH MY GOSH heven forbid I touch sumones shoulder if thats flirting now I fuckign flirt with my mom (NOT LIKE THAT IM MAKING A POINT) i mean geezus! But anyways. Uhmmm...Adam and I keep like fighting and it sucks. Idk it seems liek he doesnt have interest anymore. My ex Bryan is sweeter than anything. Tomorrow or christmas ex...I think christmas eve hes gonna pick me up at like 6 am and we r gonan go to his house until like 9 pm when his parents get home. Idk I think he wants to get back together again but...Idk if thats what I want. He is so sweet I love him to death. Hes very responsible, he has his own truck, hes got a job, he gets great grades, he rides quads and dirtbikes, and hes been featured in many magazines. Hes so sweet, he actually drove 25 miles to call me back one day when he was traveling to presscot, he drove 25 miles back to call me and tell me he loved me and wished that I have sweet dreams n he'd be thinking of me always. Now how sweet is that? But anyways.l I think im seriously fucked up, Why woudl I nto wnat to be with him? Why am I always happy then brought down by sumthing really stupid? I also hate christmas for many reasons. I feel bad this yr I only got my mom two things. A bath set that she picked out and a jhon deere trucker hat from hot topic. *Sighs* I still hate christmas and I really wish I wasnt here anymore. I woudl be crying right now but Its impossible for me to cry. Honestly it is. Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: simple plan[x]Perfect |
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