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Saturday, December 20th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 10:52a | so yeh...recent events.. got my journal back started going out w/ randall, had happyness for two days, kyle told me randall didn't 'feel anything' and didn't want to hurt my feelings but also didn't want to lead me on or nething....cut the hell outta my arm, 31 cuts on my fore arm...the next day we broke up but im ok now...the nite i cut my arm i chilled w/ sara(h?) and travis, it got my mind off of things for a little while, including the stinging of my arm, but oh well. mr. macary saw my arm in construction yesterday....oops. maybe hell report me...i think part of me wants to be caught..but idk, he was like how did those get there n i smiled n shruged. oh well. last nite hung out w/ travis amanda sarah and megan was working...i got the trapt cd...its pretty good i like it neway, so yeh.... no clue wut im doin today...im just very mellow, kinda out of it....idk im this close to giving up everything, i just want to be with some one so bad....and me n randall finally go out after like 2 months of avoiding it, and it goes down the drain....i was talking to travis cuz kyle wasn't home no one was answering so i was talking to travis and was crying and i just wanted it all to end, im tired of this pain inside...some one end it for me |
| 11:50a | I am not okay Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: slipknot[x]Wait and bleed |
| 12:55p | car ride home.. last night was really awesum. me ryan maygin and jesse went to the mall and idk.. it was just fun. ryan bought the hat.. the hat is this french lookin hat and he got this pair of orange sunglasses and they matched his shirt but i dont think that was on purpose and he loked all french. it was sooo cute. you guys have no idea. of course you dont cos you dont knwo him.. and you prolly cant picture it.. but he looked really cute. lol. and hmm.. what else.. i got sum card at FYE to get music and shiznit at yellowcardrock.com and i finially can download one of my fav. songs again. avondale. its really good. you guys shood try and download it. its kinda emo but thats fin with me i love emo music. I did some more xmas shopping. i like giving gifts. i actually dislike getting them. i feel bad. dont ask why. cos i dont really know. o well. well after we had dropped everyone off.. my dad and i were in the car, and i was telling him about how this lady at my school was questioning the people i sit with at lunch if i had any friends and if i showed any signs of depression.. i was pissed when i found that out but o well.. he doesnt knwo i cut. so he laffed. and he was like "yea kayla.. thats you.. always depressed. no friends.. i dont think youve ever been depressed once in your life. youre aways upbeat and happy and outgoing" and i dunno.. it struck me as funny. cos here we are. i hate my dad, he pisses me ff to no end. he punched me in my jaw the other night, my family fights constantly, my mom drinks, 7 people in a three bedrom house.. its crazy.. and ive never been depressed. im always upbeat. im always out going. yea im always liek that when he kicks the shit outta me.. yea i neevr get sad. i laugh about it. i mean. he HAS to know he's screwing us kids up.. but apparently not. i just sat there.. and nodded. and was like "mhmm" at least i know i can put up a pretty good sherade. if not then hes just really stupid. which is what i think. well... while we were at the mall i tried to fid the book cut for maygin at walden books. i read that book a few years back. and then kept taking it out cos its so good. same with speak. and you dont know me. those are all REALLY good books. seriously. but we couldnt find it. o well.. i hope she takes it out of the library.. its really good. well im off.. i have to get gift bags and cards and candy canes for thwe presents i got my lovelys.. byebyes <33~kayla <33 -avondale-yellowcard- If you're gonna rip my heart out could you use a knife that's dull and rust in color (Once I die) there will be no way that you can cover that scar It's hard I know And if I get a little blood on you finally the world will know you're guilty (know you're wrong) of taking everything you've gotten from me No heart It's hard I know Mighty King of Avondale I just can't let this go Real life ain't no fairy tale I just thought you should know When you're finished with the surgery I really hope that you will turn to me and tell me all about the fun you had when you were cuttin' up... you were cuttin' up Living like a fairy tale the mighty King of Avondale It all went to his head this royalty I stuck a knife into his back Inventiveness is what I lack He's always hanging up on loyalty (You're wrong) (You're wrong) Current Mood:  bouncyCurrent Music: yellowcard [x] avondale !!! |
| 3:00p | a friday like all the others...=*( eh...another friday niight hanging at the mall with friends....it was a pretty good niight...intill, me (being has fucked up as i am) has 2 get all sadd and depressed. Mii friend Kayla n Jesse were sitting on the swing 2gether cuddling and stuff..and they looked so cute, buh it got me so depressed. I kno i should be happy for her...buh i got jelliouse nad depressed. I mean i dont like JEsse, buh i juzt wish i had sumone 2 actully like me and everyhting. And i kno Ryan go up-sett seeing that 2. So i when for a walk and thought about wtf is wrong with me? I dont understand. *sigh* I just wish...idk I miss happy-ness.....the loud, crazy, mostly in a good mood maygin people see is not who i am...i hide behind my smile so people dont worrie about me....buh deep inside i have lost the enotion of happy-ness....i mean yea im happy sumtimes buh inside i will never be truly happy....that spot has been taken by depression and sadd-ness =( I wish someone could just explain 2 me whats wrong with me? *screams* eh...another night i will cry myself to sleep...ya think i would be used 2 it by now....fuck. buh on a better note...I GOT MY PHONE 2 DAY!!!!! *sqeek* hehe well im'a go love u all -maygin Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: NOFX "eat the meek" |
| 3:44p | here i go.. scream my lungs out i didnt know i was upsetting people last night. i didnt know i make so many people unhappy. why cant i just not fuck shit up. i mean.. i didnt know i pissed may oof.. i didnt mean anything by sittin w/ jesse. bgut i woulda gotten pissed too. but i didnt think about that. i prolly pissed oof ryan too. ;'[ i hate makin my friends mad or sad. i feel like shiit. i mean.. the that is the last thing i want for them to feel.. and here i am causing it. Current Mood: crappy |
| 4:25p | my what.. third post of today..? ya know.. up till now. i never really applied the term abused to what I am. I just always looked at kida who ended up at the hospitol becasue of being beat my their parents as abused. And since i have neevr been hospitolized for it- I never really thought i was abused. I just thought i was hit. i dunno. Seems odd I'm just realizing it. Im thinking back at all the times my dad has hit me.. all i can remeber.. all the times we've gotten in physocal fights, all the times hes beat my siblings- how he verbaly kills us too. I remember he used to hit my older brother. Used to make him cry. then he grew up. hes like 6" now and my dads like 5'6. my bro couls squish him. thats why i always feel safe when hes around, cos he wont let my dad do shit. and plus he alwsys cheers me up. im suprised my dad can still hit me. i mean.. im 5"10.. you'd think i could defend my self.. not that i dont try. i just cant stop him. i remember he used to not care who was there.. hes just whop me one in front of a friend. i guess when one of my playmates asked if my dad hit me- he realised he better cut out that whole bit. SO then he only yelle dliek fuck when someone who wasnt fa,ily was aorund. family meaning lived in his house. one time there was a beatle in my room. one of those beatles that are brown, they come arund in the summer. and the fling around hitting against thisng and they make that noise. well one had flown inot the wall by my bed. and i was convinced it was in my bed. cos i didnt hear it fly away. so i tunred on my light, and started lookign for it. my dad saw they light from under my door. and he came in and said "kayla turn off the fukin light" and i said in a minute cos iw as loking for a bug in my bed. and he went off on me. then left. i thought that was gling to be the end fo it. i rememebr him going into his room to get chnage dinto pajamas and i was still in my room looking. he came back in after getting chanegd .. he slamemd open the doro and screamed.. and i yeeld and said there was a huge bug in my bed.. and i wasnt going to sleep in it till it was gone.. he, in turn, came over to my bed and toree off all the sheets and said "look.. no fuckin bug" but i was sure it was there. untill i found it i would never be sure. so i said no... ill sleep in the living room. and he screamed at me that he was watching TV in there and that i wasnt aloud in there. and i said fine then leave and ill look for the bug. and he said "if you don turn off the fuckin light im gunna pound you one" and i said no im not turning off the light. someone did though.. i think it was my younger bro. and he said now go the fuck to sleep. and i didnt.. i continued seraching. so he kept his word.. and punched me, hard as he could, in the stomache. a 432 year odl punching an 11 year old. i couldnt cry cos he had knocked the wind out of me.. when i got my breath back i creid for hours. cos it hurt so much.. and cos i was so upset that he did it. my mom tried to calm me down but left o buy beer. i staye dup most the night till i fell asleep on the floor in my living room crying. next daty.. i didnt speak one word to him. in fact i didnt alk to him for about a week. i ignored him. he said hed never hit us again. i belived him. he said he was sorry. i belived him. i shoudlt have, i wish i never tlkaed to him again. but i did. he freakes. over water spilling on the kitchen table. over someone pouring a "too full" glass of milk. he freaks over laughing/giggling/or playful screams. he hates peolpe jumpijgn in the pool. and watch out if you take etwo towels after you take a shower. i dont get it. ive been called cunt so many times by that man. i hate that word, he calls my 6 and 9 year old sisters cunt. oh.. and my bros are both little cock suckers. when i was 7 i had a tank top.. it was spaghetti strapped- with brown and whiite and htis off green coloured stiped on it. i loved that shirt. i walked out into the kitchen to make sum food before i wen tot a friends house.. and , as he was on the fone with my uncle, said "kayla you look like a hoe" i didnt knwo what it was so i asked. he said oh. never mind.. and i forgot about it. untill the other day. now im angry. i heard my littlest sister say cunt the otehr day. i almost cried. i treid to tell her it was a abd word.. and not to ever say ti agin.. and she in turn sai d"but dad says it.. so why cant i" what ois his problem. al my friends used to think he was pretty cool. all but ryan i think. due to the fact that my dad put on SUCH a good act. they would only hear him yell occasionally. but i htink they just all recently found out hes such a bastard when he punched me the other day in the jaw. i hate them knowing. i really do. its embaressing. i hate it. i dunno.. il lupdate more later co i have plenty to say.. -sorry for the lenght Current Mood:  pissed off |
| 5:47p | yeh....ive been sitting on my couch listening to trapt still, thinking more this time instead of playing solitare, im about to shoot myself in the head if i play one more game of it....travis called me around 330 and wanted to know if i wanted to go chill w/ him sarah n megan and go see lord of the rings tonite, and i was like um..i don't like lord of the rings, i would go but i really don't feel like paying to sit in a movie theatre for 3 n a half hours in a movie i don't even want to watch so now im gonna sit at home all nite and think about things... im so sick of thinking about things too.... i need to get my mind off of damon, i need to get my mind off of wondering why randall suddenly decided that he didn't 'feel nething' and im this close to running away/cuttingmyself to death im just so sick of everything.... i don't think ive ever been this bad before, im just on the verge of doing something drastic, i cant take much more....im about to cut the shit out of myself and walk around my house like that to see what my oblivious parents would do...*angry sigh* now im being a bitch to lance. wtf. |
| 5:47p | yeh....ive been sitting on my couch listening to trapt still, thinking more this time instead of playing solitare, im about to shoot myself in the head if i play one more game of it....travis called me around 330 and wanted to know if i wanted to go chill w/ him sarah n megan and go see lord of the rings tonite, and i was like um..i don't like lord of the rings, i would go but i really don't feel like paying to sit in a movie theatre for 3 n a half hours in a movie i don't even want to watch so now im gonna sit at home all nite and think about things... im so sick of thinking about things too.... i need to get my mind off of damon, i need to get my mind off of wondering why randall suddenly decided that he didn't 'feel nething' and im this close to running away/cuttingmyself to death im just so sick of everything.... i don't think ive ever been this bad before, im just on the verge of doing something drastic, i cant take much more....im about to cut the shit out of myself and walk around my house like that to see what my oblivious parents would do...*angry sigh* now im being a bitch to lance. wtf. |
| 8:53p | dun blame urself Today i got mii phone. Im happy ;] *sqeek* Kyle called me pot head....it kinda got me a lil upsett....o-wellz KAYLA- i dont blame you...its not you fault...im juzt a jellous/depressed/sadd person ( i kno its fucked up) you did NOTHING wrong to me....dun even say sorry....iight? you mii best friend and i love u =] thats ALL i did 2day was play spider solitare 2!!! lol la la la im'a make a list of new years resolutions =] yay -maygin Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: nothing |
| 10:18p | ya know.. how ya watch those movies. about like druggies or sumthing. and they always say theyre gunna quit. and they never do. and things like drugs or money or whatever becomes more important than anything else and their whole life falls apart? well.. i always knew i wasnt gunna eb one of those people. and here i am. one of those people. but the problem isnt drugs. its cutting. my whole life isnt gone, but i still say almost everyday that im gunna quit... but i never do. i dunno. i feel like shit. like i dont want these scars anymore. but i feel like i have nothing else. and this shit is eating away at my insides. at my brain. i think about it.. and i want to hurl. not just cutitng. but what makes me cut. it makes me want to hurl, to just shrival up and die. i get this feeling- and i dont want anyone near me.. anyone to tlak to me to touch me. i just want to do what i want. and right now. im seriously considering running away. i know where i want to go. i know how im getting there. i know where im getting money.i just need the guts. and to pick a night to leave. i need the guts though most of all. i get scared too easily. and i need to get over my fears. and then im leavin. in my pathetic attempt to escape my problems |
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