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Friday, December 19th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 1:39p | *sigh* Ugh..mii mom got home last niight....woo hoo? NO. OMG like the second she got home...the fighting started...its so fucked up. i hate her so0o0o0o much...i really hoped that she was never gonna come home. i hate her so much. the days that she was gone were like the best days...fo real....it was so stress-free....buh now its just as badd as it always is...we got in this huge fiight (like always) and ofcorse...me being as fucked up as i am...i cut....i did nah cut in like 3 weeks...n i had 2 mess it up....FUCK x_X mann...i hate life. *sigh* well im out. love always, -maygin Current Mood:  flirtyCurrent Music: *sqeek* humming random songs |
| 5:51p | i OD'd on some advil. i feel like shit. my b/f is going out tonight with his friends. my cousin is doing shit with her friends and im not invited. so my best bet it to just stay home and talk about issues with the friends in my room. the sharp objects i hide. i guess ill be spending the night with them... grr fuck this. Current Mood:  sickCurrent Music: ya'll want a single [x] korn |
| 9:09p | i know i posted the other day about how i dislike christmas, and im osrry if any of you are getting annoyed, but i keep thinking about why i dont like it...and it bothers me, so i figure that maybe if i get it out in the open then maybe i wont dwell on it so much... as i said in my other post, every thing change since i moved to hyde park...but thats not the only reason. it really changed when my mom left. that year nothing was the same. now, im not blaming her for everything, but i just wish all of us could get along. today i tried to get myself into the spirt of things by putting lights around our banister to our stairs, which helped a little...but sadly, that wore off. and i wrapped the presents i got for my friends. taht helped too...but it didnt last.then my dad got home. i thought it was gonna be an ok night, were were gonna go christmas shopping for all my relitaves. he came in, went to the computer, and ive been looking for my ball chain for quite some time so i asked "dad, have u seen my ball chain?" and he replys "oh, you mean the one i dont like you wearing? the one that some one could strangle you with? no, ihavent seen it".hes been saying that some one is gonna come up behind me, grab my chain, and kill me.i dont see how that wold work, since my chain is tight up against my neck, but thats beside the point. which started him to yell at me for saying "if its tight against my neck i cant get choked". and he said "dont argue with me" and i replyed "then dont argue with me". which got him started. so we went to the mall in kingston, and he wanted to just go into like 2 stores. and i asked "can u drop me off at the mall so i can buy kayla a present? and u can pick me up at 9?" and he started BITCHING at me about how he would never leave me alone anywhere and how we were supposed to do this together and all this shit.so we go into target, i walk away from my dad, find a presnt for kayla, and find him again. i ask him "can i borrow $20 to but this for her? and ill meet u back her at 9" and he starts going off again, goes to the register, pays for the present, shoves open the door to the store as i follow him, and we get into the car and he speeds home, not saying a word to me. honestly, i dont fucking get why he has to be such a dick to me all the time. he always says that i get babyed to much, yet hes the one who wont let me walk in the mall alone, so i can spare him from having to go into hot topic and zumiez. and here i am again, bitching about how i hate christmas. nothing can ever go right.i was supposed to babysit my moms boyfriends kids, which my mom and her boyfriend went to a concert, but they found some one else, and by the time she called me, my friends had already gone to the poughkeepsei mall, so i couldnt get there. i watched some home moives today...christmas ones...my dad recors every christmas morning.even if i dont want him to. well i watched one from 2002, which depressed me to see how sad i was, then i watched one from 1990...i was 1 year old then. my sister, brother and i all seemed so happy. it was christmas eve party/my sisters birthday parrty (her birthdays the 23rd), and my dad said on the camera to kathi (my sister) to open the front door to let the dog in, and she said no, cuz she cold barely ever get it open. he told her to again,and she walked ovver to it, and to her surprise, there was a brand new bike. it was just like tv. i started to cry. i still cant believe there was ever a time when we all got along and were happy. now im sitting here, waiting for some one to call me...like mike, or my sister. shes supposed to call me, and we were supposed to do something tonite...but i doubt thats gonna happen. maygin and kayla are at the mall... probably buying presents. but seriously...if they get me something that involves swat(dont ask...i really hate it when people talk about it), im gonna like fucking break down or something. seriously. they wont let it die. it really bothers me, and they know it does, but they wont let me forget about it...god damn it i hate christmas. Current Mood:  stressed |
| 10:30p | i've had so much anger this week its unbelievable. i'm not quite sure why. everything is bothering me. i hate everyone. everyone needs to go away so i can just sit on my floor in the dark and stare off into nothing. i've been wanting to talk to "the box" lady all week. she kind of like the guidance counsular but isn't shes better i guess even tho her office is a closet. hm. today in science we were taking this confusing long ass test and i kept losing focus just staring at the page... and all of a sudden my arm urged to be cut so bad. so bad that i actually was going to go ask to go to the bathroom so i can do it. but i told myself i can do this and not cut so i sat there shaking my leg to try and get rid of the urge. by next period, english, we were watching a movie and i took a safty pin and under my desk i made scraches on my wrist... definitely over 50 times... not enough to bleed i jsut needed to feel the cool metal and the pressure. theres some red marks there now and it still feels raw. that's never happened to me before. all of a sudden i got the urge REALLY badly. it was weird. the rest of the day i hid it with my watch. good no? i had another weird dream last night. it was my school gym but it was also like a sycodic hospital... and this kid joe that i started talking to came up to me and took my arm and was just looking at it. and i relized how bad i cut.. i guess i finnaly looked at it for the first time... and everyone around me were cutters. it was weird. and again for the what... 5th night in a row i woke up in a clod sweat. and the other night i had a dream that my friend who knows told someone and i saw her showing this girl the note about it right in front of me and i flipped out. so that got me scared that she might tell someone and i feel like i shouldnt have told her in the first place. Current Mood: bitchy |
| 10:59p | Well i think IM doing better today. With the exception that I wanna slice myself like every two seconds. Ughhh I really wish I can...But my best firends birthday is tomrorow then sunday is my grandfathers birthday. oh and my best friend wants to commit suicide. yeah thats what I want to hear right, yet whe nI want to die and She finds out she gets all malignant about it and s all hipocritical about it! ughhhh I hate that. I still wish I wasnt here but then again there isnt shti I can do about it now. Actually thats un true, there are so many drugs in this house it isnt funny i could OD quicker than shit.......hmmm.....that isnt a terrible idea. But anyways I found a really funny game lol everyone shoudl try it, its really cool and it made me laugh, so if anyone wants a laugh or a smile or is bored out of their minds click this:http://195.92.224.73/j20/content/host.asp have fun! and yeah ill lupdate lata! |
| 11:25p | I dont know whats wrong with me recently... i just, gave in to all of this shit and stoped caring... There was a large goverenment project due today, and we were working in groups, and and my group, - who didnt want me in the group and didnt tell me anything to begin with - decided "hey, lets make his life suck even more, and not put his name on the project" and i didnt give a shit, they were just like "hey, ur names not going on this project," and i couild think of nothing to say but, "whatever" so i walked in the class room, sat down at my desk, and just opened my new book that i just got --white fluffy clouds by brandon boyd, awesome -- and the teacher asked "why arent you getting ready with your group" i looked up and said "i'm taking a 0," and i went back to reading, and 1st let me say that she is a bitch, she is in all honesty, hitler back from the dead, only now hes taking his vengence out on us americans, by tourchuring us kids, anyway, she was like, i dont think that is that smart of an idea, i said, yeah, and what am i supposed to do... and she just said close the book, so i did and i just blankly staired at the wall, but anyway, those ppl can all kiss my ass, and that may sound like i exzdurated (sorry about spelling) but i really didnt, i wish i was though, Bah, and at work they really cut my hours, bastards, so i'm really short on money, this is not going to get me threw 2 weeks, i'll just go hunry... again, being poor blows, it would be nice to have supper, but thats just to much to ask for... The first ski club trip of the year is tomorrow, but i wont be going, beucase i dont have medical insurace, so its off to work i go, blah, i suppose i should be somewhat happy, its been awhile snese i've been there, but hey... too bad... i took a bath last night, and omg it was amazing --before any further assumtions are made, i do shower everyday, sometimes twice, but this was a bath, anyway -- just laying there it was so peaceful, i was in there for probably a good 45 min, i could go in detail, but i dont think that anyone really wants to hear that, and no its not because of 'that' one of my really close friends who knows that i cut, i was talking to them the other night beucase i knew if i cut i was going to do it really really bad, i mean like the kinda cutting that usually results in dizzyness and passing out, i really ready to go, i'm sick of this life shit.... anyway, she asked me if i really want to stop cutting, and i didnt know what to say, but its been on my mind, so i am going to spill my guts out on this now, There are different reason why i cut, someitmes its just beucase i had a really shitty day and i need something to take my mind of that, sometimes its so that i can get to sleep, and sometimes its because i want to just die, and i get close to that, but not close enough damn it, but i will get there, but yeah i would like to stop, but i would also just like to take a gun and blow my brains out, its not like it would matter, my life, when put into context, is just really pointless, its just recently these feelings have been so strong, i dont know why i continue to go on with this losing hand of cards that i've been delt, blah, i just dont know what to do... |
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