Thursday, December 18th, 2003

Time	Event
3:38a	yahhhhhhhh today sucked. and so did last night. i got in a big fight with my friends because im switching schools (tomorrow is my last day). now im going to go to charter school, my school right now is like the 3rd biggest in CA, and now im going to a school with only 60 kids. im so happy, but my friends obiously dont care whats best for me cuz they went crazy. the thing is they didnt go crazy cuz theyre gonna miss me, they started bitching because they are jealous that i get to switch and they dont-they even said it was because they dont get to go and im a "spoiled brat" and i get everything i want. its true, i am spoiled, my parents will buy me anything i want...its not a big deal, it doesnt make my life any better? i swear its true, they could take away all my little toys and it wouldnt make a difference. those things arent what matters in life, you don't know that until you have them. well it was all dumb and they were being stupid bitches. so our thing is we call each other every day we're not going to go to school. well they didnt call me, and 30% of our school was out today. EVERYONE IS SICK!! NO ONE WAS AT SCHOOL TODAY!! seriously-one class 5 out of 30 somethin kids showed up. sooo i had no friends at lunch, NO ONE TO HANG OUT WITH! it was scary, i cant stand being alone i freak out. just a phobia. anyways-so today sucked but o well. k i really dont know what to do. the other night i was told that my boyfriend is pretty much like a little baby. when he fully wakes up hes going to have to learn how to walk, talk and pee again. if he doesnt remember how to talk he's not going to remember me :( anyhow...i have to make a decision if i should try to get over ryan and move on with my life. either that or i walk around with him for the next however many years holding his hand saying "look ryan a tree, can u say tree? tr-eeee" i dont know what im supposed to do. anyone-im open for oppinions. even if u dont think ill like it. After my friends went off on me on because "im depressed" and then they told me "i make me life sound so bad, but im a perfect little princess" then i said "ummm is the person u love more than anyone in the world in a coma?" they were like "we knew him too lauryn..." blah blah they were so mean to me i just wanted to run off and dig a blade in my skin. my urge to cut is back again. i think im going to do it tonight. it's christmas time, it shouldnt be like this. but my mom was yelling at me last night on how i looked like a slut and i wasnt wearing what she wanted me to wear, and again---i just wanted to run away and cut myself. i really have this desire to when im being yelled at or while someones just being mean. next time, next time...im giving in. well thanks for listening to me whine =) Current Mood: weird Current Music: bleed black *AFI* (Comment on this)
6:35p	help please can someone help me. really need some new music to listen too. something like linkin park or um... well i dont kno but if neone has ne good ideas that would be great thanx! Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: last resort ~ papa roach (3 Comments | Comment on this)
11:30p	they say so many things hey guys..... christmas is coming soon. joy! not. i hate being with my moms side of the family... every holiday or birthday i always get in a pissy mood becasue i have to be with them... 9 of us kids all together. all being bitches.. except for kayla.. and andrew i guess dnno how hes gonna be. i'm always the one whos sitting in the cornor not talking to anyone excluding myself form them as i always do. i really fucking hate holidays! i don't want it to be chirstams but then again i do cuz i want my cds lol. if it was with my dads side of the family i'd be happy. cuz i only have 2 cousins on that side.. anthony 21 and jess 16 who is honestly a sister to me love herto death. what sucks is she lives 2 hous away. but i got to spend thanksgiving with them and jess is coming up after xmas so i cant wait for that. my one aunt and her husband are assholes to. so you see nothing really good comes out of being with your family. everyone being stuck up bitches, i cant stand any of them. for example last christmas with my family was at my grandmas and my brother bought over his new PS2 and me and him just sat there pretending not to hear anyone or anything (well actaully that did kind of happen cuz i got so glued) and we were yellignat each other like all people do when they play vidoe games against each other and i can tell ym whoel family was jsut looking at us like ew... seriously!! and my uncle is so against video games so i was so hapyp to piss him off. so this year i dont know where were gonan have it but its going to be another sucky year. i'll sit in the cornor avoding there bitchness and be al a lone and ok with it like i'm always ok with it. and latly these past couple of nights i've been having weird ass dreams. bascailly about murder, blood, dead bodies, speeding cars (which i drive and its like sucide cuz i'm going about 100mph and theres a house or something right in front of me and right when i get to it i turn and miss by inches) then i wake up i na cold sweat....everynight this week thats been happing atleast 2 or 3 times a night.. and when my alarm clock goes off i wake up in aanother cold sweat.. its so weird but doesnt realyl scare me. hm -manda Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: The Early November // Ever So Sweet (Comment on this)

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