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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:06a | some days are just to long. i did cut again last night. today you can see the word pain on my ankle. i was trying to cut in englsih cuz i was getting the urge really bad and i guess my friend saw (the one who knows) and was like are you cutting?! i was like no..... but then i accidently slit my thumb with the razor and it reuined everything. blood was gushing out. it wasnt exacy the pain i was hoping for. for some reason... when i cut of accident its diffrent then why i do it on purpose. cuz when you do it on accident your not think about letting pain out or anything it jsut happpens. its weird. i dont know i cant explain it. thats how i see it. and when you do it on purpose it feels good. hm. i always hated when people slammed there lockers... buts its weird cuz i started doing it and it feels so good. you should try it. it gets out some stress. well i was getting pissed all day today. i kept thorwing my pen down on the floor really hard in the middle of classes. after hearing my cousin (the one whos obsessed with andrew my other cousin) telling this girl to come over on christmas eve to meet andrew.... (shes new shes never seen him before) and i was like "oh my fucking god!" and the girl next to me goes "what" and i just started bitching about it. cause it's like i'm goign to be there to.. and i dont want some bitch coming over to meet him... and its really getting me mad how she had plans for him when he hasnt even come back yet and hasnt been here in like 6 months..... and i dont feel like we could be best friends when he comes back anymore. jsut from heraring that it made me think again. everything is gonna go back to jsut how it use to be. and that really fucking sucks! aw man whatever ima shut up now and stop taking up space with my gay ass problems. Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: |
| 5:01a | Oh my. How do we spell finals evverybody? S-T-R-E-S-S yes MAJOR stress. on a lighter note. I havent cut in awhile although I kinda picked up bruises...Like I was sitting by my desk and then I just liek changed into shorts and then I saw a bruise on my leg and I was like uhmmm and I pushed it and it hurt really bad GO FIGURE lol but n e ways THen idk lately When I have been stressed or upset I try to run into things, and its benn working lmao. But yes yesturday in the bathroom at school I cut.How sad is that? in the bathroom at school ah well, I used a saftypin and yeah it was freaky hearing my own flesh rip, I had to do it hard and fast. But im finding that I dont bleed, ONly to scab it over and then all the rest of it gets liek trapped under the skin. Ok enough of the gore I hope Myself has a semi Okay day! I wish you all the same! xOx_Carrie Current Music: Cute w/o the 'E'[x]Taking back sunday |
| 6:48a | i haven't written in here for a while. but i haven't been cutting so that would explain it. i bruised my wrists and my arms last week or so. but mainly i've been purging after meals. i guess it's my alternative to cutting (like it's any better?? noooo) but i get the same feeling as from cutting, that sotheing, relaxing feeling afterwards. i feel good that i'm getting all that food out of my system. i dont know. i'm just updating. |
| 1:12p | tears im crying right now. i stayed home t'day cos im sick.. and i didnt want to stay cos i knew id end up spending my whole day crying. everything has changed so much- my friends, my family, me, school, everything. ugg i dont know how to explain it. i just want everything back. and i know it cant happen. Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: my own pathetic sobs |
| 3:52p | Omfg stupid closeminded people SUCK Well it was all good I had a great day. Until seventh period.... I went to sharper my pencil and my arm was in a wierd position and roxy saw my wrist n shes liek r u slitting ur wrists? and I was lie kNo shes liek yeah right u liar and she kept saying Shes slitting her wrists, Oooo Imma tell the teacher, adn I walked away my face was red i think and I puleld m yjacket sleeves down and I was just slammign shti down sayign the pencil sharpener was broken. and ughh it was so fuckign sad. I wanted to just be invisible at that moment. Then when I got hoem I told hailey online about it and she was all mad she says that Im cutting for attention and that its drawing the wrong attention (basically the attention thign is what my mom said too) and god i fuckin hate her right now. she was just beign gay about it, she doesnt know shit about it and shes liek everyone goes throguh what u do and worse. OK FUCK YOU god damn Yeah everyone has been raped by their fatehr over n over n over again! and everyone has ya knowbeen raped by a neighbor when they were 6 right after the whoel rape with the dad thing happend. Oh yes thats so FUCKING normal. and everyone just hacks awaya at their skin everyday right? and everyone deals with a mom that fucking hates them and wishes that they woudl have never had them right? and everyone has to deal with their best friend plotting out their suicide right? Oh yes and I coudl go on but Id start sobbing uncontrolably......kinda to late....I wanna die, I wish I never exsisted and I wish People woudl realize I have a problem, its sad that I realize it but no one else does! GOD DAMN! and everyone thinks because Oh the accidently scratched themselves with a paperclip or a safty pin they were a cutter, FUCK THOESE PEOPLE god damn! I fuckin hate people that say shit liek that and then tell me Why I cut, FUCK YOU I think I knwo why I cut FFS god damn. and then! and then! there r thoese people that do itfor attention that give REAL cutters a bad fuckign rep well FUCK YOU ALL TOO god damn Im very truly sorry if this entry offended anyone, btu I am venting liek hell, and IM tryign so hard not to cut right now...But I think thats a failing attempt waiting to happen... if u read this entry thanx thats interesting that you read all of my stupid little problems! xOx_Carrie Current Mood: bitchyCurrent Music: slipknot[x]surfacing |
| 5:36p | finally... i havent been able to get on blurty for like a week. the damn thing wouldnt let me on. grrr... well up until monday i hadnt cut in like 5 days. but monday morning we had a 2 hour delay and i got bored so i cut and little star into my ankle... its really cute i think. im pretty sure that if my mom saw it she wouldnt think the same thing. neways then last night i couldnt help it nemore and i made 4 new cuts. im up to 65 cuts... and my mom doesnt kno about ne of them...herray...! neways the other night i was laying on my living room floor juss watchin tv. i was about to go to bed and someone knocks on my door. i thought it was the boy that lives across the street cuz he is the only one that comes over that late. i went to open the door and my friend audie was standin there. 1st off i was surprised to see her cuz well she juss never comes over and 2nd i was surprised to see my x-b/f standin there next to her. its like where the hell did they come from. so i go out on my porch and chris (my x) gives me a hug and says his car died and he needed jumper cables. well i sure as hell didnt kno if we had ne so i asked and we didnt so he said he was gonna got find someone that did. ok whatever and i gave him another hug. i was like wide awake after that cuz its only like 20 degress outside and i wasnt wearing much. i desided to stay up and wait and see if he came back. BIG MISTAKE! he did come back only this time audie wasnt with him. i went onto the porch and he gave me another hug and i didnt want to let go. he was so warm and smelled so good. it felt so good have his arms around me... i didnt want to let go... then he said that he still loved me and i juss wanted to die. b4 he said one more thing i desided that this has to stop... i told him that it was too cold i had to go in. he said he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. after i went inside i wanted to cry. i was so confused. i made myself start thinkin of the reasons that i broke up with him in the first place. i had started falling for him all over again...i juss didnt kno what to do and i still dont. i want him back but i remember how much of an asshole he was and how bad he made me feel...grr idk i dont want to think nemore. im goin crazy... well im gonna go cut or scream or sumtin to take my mind off the madness b4 i go here is the chours to my favorite song: I tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me I told u everything loud and clear But Nobody’s Listening Call to you so clearly But you don’t want to hear me I told you everything loud and clear But Nobody’s Listening l8rz all Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: nobody's listening |
| 7:22p | i'm fighting the urge the best that i can.... but i dont know how much longer that i can go on without cutting last night i couldnt get it out of my head, i was laying there in bed and i was just shacking and tossing and turning, so i got my knife and just sat and staired at it... and i was looking at the the stains that were on it... it was all bloody, and then my bloody paper towels that i keep wrapped around it... i pressed the knife down, but i didnt cut, i just had to feel the steel on my arm, and sitting here now i cant get it out of my head, but theres so much goin on, theres no other way to let this pain out, i miss the way it felt, i miss the way it looked, its only been a month, and u can still see the scars from last time, and they make me want to even more, **hits head off desk** |
| 7:25p | i cut I just got done cutting...man it felt sooooo good. I just couldn't take it anymore...life at home sucks...my stepmom won't shut up...she yells at me...throws things at me...throws things at my 2.5 year old sister! GAWD! When I got home today...I found my lucky razor blade next to my bed...and I just grabbed it and went to town. I cut 3 lines into my left hip...those are good ones. Then I cut my left hand...right below my pointer finger. And then I cut my right ankle...that one felt really good. I love watching the blood flow from my body as my tears flow too. I'm just sick of all this shit. Current Mood: numb |
| 8:11p | i wish i wish i could catch THIS fish god....I really do hate my life. Making a post on Dead_Hopes blurty last night reminded me about how much i loath my name...jack...in 8th grade when i tried to slit my wrist and failed, a kid had noticed my cut and stiches and called me "jack the Ripper"...that sucked...i almost tried again that night....but...anyways this girl is driving me insane. i care way to much for her . she says that im more like her brother then anything else...and i feel the same..see is like a sister to me as well. but no matter how much this may sem like insest...i want to be with her...i want to brush away her tears...i want to make everything better and i want to be with this girl the rest of my life...come on guys you all know that deep down you feel the same towards someone and may be in the same situation....and i also feel sorry for you if you are..it really hurts...a lot....and getting over someone like this is one of the hardest things ive faced in my liufe...and i dont think im capible of doing it....so im just going to sit here...alone...and watch from a distance.....;'( Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: taking back sunday-your own disater (i got hte warped tour c |
| 8:30p | *looks out window* Man...i dun understand why nothing good can ever happen...i mean just when there is a little hope for happy-ness...it gets ripped away. It really sucks. I hate beinging miiself. I hate the way i look. I see other people that are so pretty and juzt wish i could be pretty too. Like my friend Kayla, she is so pretty, it makes me sick when she says that she is ugly..and sometimes she says she is fat and i go crazy. i would give anyhting to be skiney, erryone says im not fat...buh i mean lets face the facts herr...im huge. buh yea kno i guess i juzt have 2 get over it... I was reading my friend laurens whycu entery (pavementgetshot) and it made me cry...it made me remember how life was when you could actuall wake up in the morning and smile..wake up and not this of all the bull shitt and sadd ness you have to deal with in the day....i miss the times were i did not have scars on mi body from thigs that i cant handel and i let mii emotions get the best of me...i miss the days were mi "family" loved me and everyhting was not a fight...when people smiled and were loveing...the smell of christmas is not even the same anymore... *sigh* i still...juzt sum times i feel guilt because i have the best friends in the world and sometimes i dont think i desurve them...i thank them with mii live...they keep me here. and that you all for commenting on blurtys and giving advise...i love u all stay strong erry1, -maygin Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: hummin random songs |
| 9:40p | this is pointless i think Sob sessions. I hate them. My friends r stupid. My friend thats suicidal and she told me how shed do it today....she is pissed that I want to die, shes so mad she was lie kgo fuckign do it them, nice b-day present for me, if u do it idk wtf id do, i wouldbt be able ot live. and yeha it was stupid then dont tell me to do it., Friends r stupid. I woudl go on btu There is not a point in typing all that shit for no one to read. xOx_Carrie Current Music: Saves the day[x]Until the day I die |
| 11:58p | lullaby of the suicidle lust she sets down on her bed alone with no one there no one to take away the blade no one to listen or to care the lullaby sings somber the crimson starts to flow her head begins to tingle and the room begins to glow she starts to think about her past the ones that she had lost the ones that left her torn and broken not caring what the cost she starts to feel the numbness the sweet and warm delight and a smile spreads across her face for she longer has to fight................... Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: rasputina gingerbread coffin |
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