[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends View]
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 8:13a | since blurty hasnt been working i havent talked in here for a while. i finally just did it, yah i did a heart in my wrist. its small and not deep. but i did it, and i loved it. it's almost done scabbing now. blahhh i think that did it for me. i liked doing it, but i dont really have any desire to cut anymore. maybe i just needed that little thing. yah well now i just want someone to talk to. someone else who's going through something really hard. i dont really feel like i have any friends i can just cry to. i feel like im bothering them with my complaints. see...about a month and a half ago my boyfriend got in a car accident. he's been in a coma ever since. it's been so hard for me, i cant imagine myself with anyone else. im so crazy in love with him, he was my best friend. we knew we were gonna get married, and had planned out our whole lives. i still add another month every 25th to how long we've been going out for. and i still tell everyone im taken. i found out tonight he's going to have to start over. just like a little baby, he wil have to learn how to talk and walk again. he's most likly not going to remember me...im crushed. i give up. i just want to talk to someone. anyone willing to listen to me. Current Music: copeland **testing the strong ones** |
| 11:40a | i trust i can rely on your vote... well. so much shit has been going on in my life...kris and i had some issues but that's all fixed. the worst thing is.... my dad was on his computer and he went downstairs to get something. i peeked on his computer and what did i find. my dad is cheating on my mom via the internet. having really fucking gross conversations and swapping pics. that's awesome. if my mom found out she'd freak out and kill herself. i told my sister, heidi, who's in college and she got really worked up over it. she might not come home for break. i hate how everything is turning out this way. when i was little, everyone was always home and loving. i used to dream about christmas for months up until it came. i remember the whole family, even my dog, would go out and we would buy our christmas tree together. every year we had to buy a big huge one, because we have a 16 ft cathedral ceiling, so we needed a 12-14 foor tree. we'd have to go to like 3 different xmas tree farms to find the perfect tree. and then we'd hang up a wreath. my daddy would play happy christmas carols while my sister and my mom and i took the boxes of decorations down from the attic. heidi and i would examine all of the ornaments, thinking of how beautiful they were, even as years passed and they became cracked and faded. i was so happy. my parents were in love and they loved us too. we would put out cookies and eggnog, and a letter to Santa. even as i got a older and knew that it was all my parents' work, i still got so excited over finding the letter back from Santa. my dad used to type it up all fancy on his computer. like santa spent time on it. i remember waking up at 4 AM, so excited because Santa had come and brought our presents. reading the letter made me feel great because i believed in all of the magic of christmas. finally when my parents woke up, heidi and i had to bring them coffee in bed. then they would get up and come out to the living room. heidi and i would open our stockings and ooh and ahh over the little gifts in them. then we would tear into the larger boxes. my dad played carols on the stereo and videotaped the whole morning. finally, afterwards, we would pile the wrapping away and eat danish. then it was time to vacuum and clean, but we didn't mind. the whole family would come overand we would eat either baked ham or turkey. that night, after i played with my new toys, i would fall asleep, overwhelmingly sad because christmas was over. but still, i would watch the beautiful tree twinkling. a few weeks later, heidi and i would undecorate the tree, and put the ornaments all in their pretty boxes. i always used to cry a little when i was small. i hated the fact that it was over. but then i thought of next year. christmas always used to keep me happy. now this year, my dad thinks my mom is psycho. which she is. i'm seeing a therapist and am on anti-depressants. my sister doesn't want to come home because of what my dad is doing. she wants to disown the family. my mom has gone crazy and refuses to ever be rational. my dad has to go alone to buy the christmas tree, because i don't have time to go with him. he probably has to put it up himself as well. we're not even staying home for christmas, because no one wants to cook. we're going out to a restaurant with our family. it tears me apart to see what was once the happiest day of my life becoming something so bland and meaningless. i hate it. i do. like my dad said to me in the car..."things will never be the same." fuck. that made me feel so bad that i just came home and cut. i cut horribly. i cut myself 125 times, all over my leg. the blood was running and it got all over the place. i think i damaged the muscle because i can't put any weight on my leg without it being excruciatingly painful. where has christmas gone? i was at kris's housel ast night and his mom started to cry because she's having monetary issues. i felt so horrible. kris might have to move. plus i'm doing badly in school. i hate my life. where did the child go? Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Radiohead x Electioneering |
| 12:06p | sorry, everyone, but i'm leaving blurty forever. it just is slow and down a lot, and i tjust generally sucks compared to LJ. www.livejournal.com/~chloroform_x is my new journal. if you join LJ, i suggest you go here: www.livejournal.com/~cuttersselfharm it's a great community. thank you to all of you who have helped me with everything. it means a lot. if you want to talk, my sn is "c haos YES SIR". thanks a lot |
| 1:58p | lksuigf.... im dumb and really confused and uggg.... for the past few days ive been thinking about killing myself. and last night i said something to two of my VERY close friends abtou doing it. i dunno if they cared or not- i just wanted them to know and let them know i love them very much. so i had to sign ofline and i was crying like a mother fucker. and i went inot my bathroom and started thinking about how i was gunna do it. i knew i couldnt shoot myself cos i dont have a gun and i couldnt hang myself cos theres no where in my house to hang from. i was thinking about just taking a whole bunch of combonation of pills.. and i had them... in my hand.. and i got so scared and i was like i cant do this. and i sat around crying my ass off thinking abotu the ppl i still have to say stuff too and how it would be like without me... but i just couldnt do it. and i seriously sat there for hours just staring at nothing and thinking about killing myself and how someone would find me and id just be dead. and it'd be too late. and id be away from all this bullshit. and then i got my razor and i cut the FUCK out of my leg. cos i just COULDNT kill myself. and i sat ther crying and cuttin gfor a few hours. and when i was done cutting i looked at it and cryed more becasue i fuck everything up so bad and how i fuck myself up. so i woke up thismorning and went to school. came home about 5th period. and just layed around till now. i feel like crying again. why am i like this. i dont knwo what to do. i need things to be back to how they used to be. i need everyone back to how we were. i want it better so bad. and i cant help. and i should be able to. i feel liek its all my fault. i dont know what to do. im sorry everyone... Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: lifetime movie |
| 4:09p | *YeY* * * * * * * 2 more test till this semester is over. Im so glad. I want it to be OVER so I can go clubbing like I did last semester. I have been very stressed because of finals, yet I've been to busy to even have time to do any cutting. I just had time now, but I decided to write here instead. Oh..and also...I dont have anyone else to tell..but I stretched my tongue from a 14G to a 10G. Yey! SOrry for the lame comment, but I'm exited and I cant tell my mom cuz she'll freak. Besides that, Hope everyone is doing well. To all who have read and commented on my shtuff, thanx for being so supportive. Just wanted to say that. :: *DarK* * * * * * * Current Mood:  energeticCurrent Music: *Qntal* |
| 4:49p | why cant things just be like they were? i used to love christmas. we used to have 2 trees. one for my sister, brother and i to decorate with our handmade ornaments and mulitcolored lights...and one just for my mom to do...with one certian color...i remember she had had it purple one year...and blue another..and white another.my sister, brother and I all had stockings that some one had kinitted for us..i dont know who did it tho.and my mom and i would make cookies. i wold spend my days counting down till christmas eve. we wold go to my uncle vic's house, till he died when i was 3 or 4... after he died, we would instead go to my grandmother house and have a big celebration. all of our relatives would be there...there were coctail weenies. i used to love coctail weenies. and on our way home we would look up in the sky for a red light...roudolph...i was so sure i had spotted him many times before. and i remember my sister and brother waking me up in the early hours of the morning, to have me come with them out to the living room to see all the presents we had gotten...then things started to change... my dad wasnt welcome at my moms parents house because they were seprated...and it was never the same after that.soon christmas started to fall apart...which oddly enough started to happen when we moved from poughkeepsie to hydepark. that was when my sister started doing drugs and when she ran away. and my brother started smoking weed. they were frowned upon because they seemed like the "mistakes" of our family. when i was aroung 9 or 10, christmas started to really change.no one in my famliy got exicted about it...except me.i wold wake up early in the morning, and try to wake up my sister and brother to tell them to come look at the presents with me..and they would turn over in there beds and say "shut the fuck up and leave us alone"..so i wold go downstairs and look for myself. even if i hadnt slept for more then 2 hours that night, i wasnt the least bit tired. and when it was time for everyone to wake up, we would open our presnts and somehow we would all end up in a huge fight. my brother wold hit me, cuz he hadnt gotten his weed for the day, or my sister didnt feel good so she wold flip out on us all...and christmas started to lose its magic. i stopped leaving cookies out for santa...i stopped believing. then my mom moved out. and i stayed with my dad. and my dad doesnt know a thing about me, or what i like, which ruined christmas even more...iw ould get nothing i wanted from my dad, and i never got much from my mom cuz she doesnt have much money to spend on all three of us. and i had always looked for the perfect tree. i always wanted to be sure it was nice and full...perfectly shaped. but now i dont even pick it out. ever since my mom left my dad would cut down a tree in my grandparents bakc yard (we need one thats 18 feet tall now...it reachs up to our ceiling by our stairs, when my mom was still here we would get a normal sized one) and they always look like charlie browns christmas tree. bare and scrawny... which also ruined my holiday spirit.christmas just lost its magic.i dont decorate any more, or bake cookies...instead i sit in my room and cry about how i wish i could be any where but here.i hate christmas. and snow. Current Mood: depressed |
| 5:14p | Well its looking semi up today. I have an F inspanish class, very hgih f i might add, I got a 46.5 out of 50 on the speaking part fo the test, and yes I think she saw my wrist, which kinda made me uncomforatble but I dont care, shes asked me b4 if peopel were oming up to me and scratching me...and I told her no that I had to bail off on my quad and hit a bush...haha she bought it, which was amazing to me but w.e if shes that dumb. But yes and then My guy friends r beign gay, tanner n matt especially they both hate it that I talk to the other one, its immature tanner exploded at me about matt to it was rediculous he was so mad he was trungin red and I just puleld my jacket sleeve over my hand and I was scratchgin at the light scabs...I wanted to cut,I really hated it that my best guy friend was yellign at me. and ughh its frustrating. AH AND THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY my ex bf is engaged Wow thats exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh well Im mostly over him n e ways its gay tho he hasnt met her, its an online thign which is stupid atleast meet the girl god what a moron. But anyways. yes finals r coming up stressful times! Especially since a few of my friends wanan die, and A few started cutting again, and one of my really good friends is leaving me to go to washington, but its prolly for the best, she wants to get better. I want her to get better to. I wish I coudl get better. I wish sumone cared enough to help me get better too. Oh well I have to start my review packets the 12 that I have. so yes ill update later, btw ty for the comment about the lemon n corona, although im not a beer person im more of a hardcore drinker when I do lol. so yes ty n e ways! Current Mood:  stressedCurrent Music: smile empty soul[x]with this knife |
| 9:36p | *sqeek* Hiya erryone....mann i have nah wrote in a while...buh herr i am ;] This have been iight....the last tiime i cut was like....3 weeks i think... Mii mom is in florida riight now cuz mii grandpa is dieing...i mean i feel badd that im not sadd the he is dieing buh i dun even kno him. Im so glad mii mom is away...she will be gone till thursday. I have a really really big proublem.... My best friend Angie...(that dose nah kno i still cut) I think she cut her self like last week....she has 3 or 4 cuts on the top of her arm and i asked her about it and she said she cut herself when she was cuttin peporonie....and i dont even see how thats possable...i mean its the top of her armmm....she is like mii best friend and i love her so much and i dont kno how to talk to her about it...and if she is cuttin i don't kno how i can help her because i dont know how 2 help myself....if anyone has any ideas as 2 what i can say or help please tell me....thank you love you all lots, -maygin Current Mood:  awakeCurrent Music: tv show "punked" |
| 9:42p | Bah.... after a long day of well... hell, i now have time to sit and regurgitate --wow i spelled that wrong-- the happenings of this damned day... Such a long day that just dragged on and on... failed a latin quiz... failed a trig quiz... failed a calculus quiz... i'm told that my grades really reflect the kinda person i am... But blah... Chours rehersal wasent that bad. Beucase someone felt like ordering a pizza in the middle of rehersal made is someone what entertaing... thought about the different ways a person could kill themselfs. Like Attaching a gun to a car wheel with string, and then when the car starts and goes you can jump in front of the car and it would shoot you over and over, it might not work but it sounded kinda cool... or shooting myself in the head with a paintball gun... i could see myself with a paintball gun *grabs paintball gun* *shoots self in head* "ouch damn it" *shoots self in head again* "shit ouch" --hours later-- *shoots self again* "duhhhhh" **starts to droll** damn i have such a horrible sense of humor, like when someone told me the joke "what do an apple and someone you really hate have in commen..... they both look good hanging from a tree"... i laughed, and i thought it was funny, but other people didnt think so... oh well... But anyway... So the chours/band conert is thursday, just another chance for me to humilate myself in front of a large group of people, its all good i suppose My mind is just kinda spinning,... the holidays are always a rough time... in the words of a great man " i dont really like the holidays, i just dont see the point, i know no one likes me... why do we have to have a season to empfize it" -charile brown Not excatly what he said but... close enough... its just rough seeing everyone with there loved ones and best friends having a great time... being so happy, and then theres me.... who is just kind of outcasted from all of that... but i suppose there is nothing that i can do about that... i've done all i can... but none of that matters... obviously... So here i sit... Stair at my computer screen, just trying to get these voices out of my head, i'm sick of these nightmares... sick of al this shit... but again, i guess its supposed to be this way... thats my purpose... so that people who are having rough days can look at me and go "well hey, at least i'm not as much as a shit head as that kid" Current Mood: crappy |
| << Previous Day |
2003/12/16 [Calendar] |
Next Day >> |