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Monday, December 15th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 4:54p | "who will be the first to begin their fall" last night was so bad. me and my mom had been fighting since i had gotten back form lo's. shes a bitch. so i kept leaving and going back. and she just kept going and going. and my dad was like grr mother fucker and long story shirt everything was MY fault and my dad punched me in my jaw for making my mom leave. its his fault anyways.. so i cried and he said i was faking it and all this shit so then we got in this fight. and i left. and when i got back my mom had packed her shit up and she left. and then my older bro got home and he cheered me up. my mo mjust got home like uhmm.. i dunno.. sometime this afternoon. she came home then left again. and everyones fighting again cos everyones pissed. this always happenes around xmas cos my mom gets $$ to buy gifts and blows alot of it on beer- it sucks. and i hate it. so we're always fighting. but she doesnt usually drink alot on the actual day of xmas. but a few years ago she rolled out on xmas. she just left. and i think it was 2 years ago she was drunk on xmas eve- and my neighbors house had burnt down. and she went up their to "console" them and she fell and knocked open her head. she mightve slipped in ice. well she broke her nose and had two black eyes and had rto get stitches. but she didnt want my dad to drive her to the hospital cos she wanted to drink before and afterwards. stupid bitch. i hate her so much sometimes. i feel bad saying i hate ehr all the time. but i dunno.. shes just a bad person. but not worse then my dad. hes like super controlling and abusive. and i hate iut. i try to keep him of my younger sibs. but that in turn gets him on me so i deal with it all and when i dont get invovled if hes freaking on one of my siblings i feel bad and get involved anyways. i cant wait till i cant move out. Current Mood:  lethargicCurrent Music: im watching the news. |
| 6:17p | blurty is back up for me wow it feels like a while since i updated. anyways. had my b/f stay over the other night. felt pain from someone else.. it felt good. but the morning he left, i cut. stole a beer from the fridge, drank it down, blasted music, pounded myself on the ground and screamed and cried. saturday night went out alone and sat down under a secluded place. i wrote in my book, and cut myself... smeared the blood on the page near my writing. i just needed to be myself. why do i still feel alone if i have a b/f?... why arent i happy?... lately i felt like i just wanna be to myself. i hate explaining myself to people and i just wanna.. end it. i dont know. im always feeling this way and its just getting sickening. i no longer feel sharp pains in my heart. all the pain just bottles up inside and instead i end up feeling nothing. just the same old shit ive been dealing with for the past few years of my regretful life. Wills online. oh great. as if he would ever IM me and see how im doing... after all.. the dick leads me on and than suddenly stops talking to me. it pisses me off. but why should i care. things always end up in a disaster. the pain will overcome me again and with this attitude i hold on everything.... my boyfriend is bound to leave me. because we dont see eye-to-eye on such things. i dont know how much longer i can hold out for. in a way i wanna lose him so i can completely lose myself. but than again, hes really all i have left and it hurts.. Current Mood:  lonely |
| 10:19p | [15 Dec 2003|09:41pm] MMkay things were looking better. I also auditioned forwheel of fortunes best friends week with my best firendand we made it to the final round and yeah it was fun, if I get a call in two weeks ill know that I got on the show, btu if not then well I didnt. Ah well I got that far, I dont think well get it but who knows. I also Uhmm found out my mom told her best friend (shes like my second mom, and I love her to death,) and ALL of a sudden out of the blue shes liek r u still cutting on yourself or was that a one time thing...I fell on my kitchen and i started to almost cry my ears were watering n burnign and I said yeah I still am and she was like what? and I was like im Not gonna lie to you and yeah it made me sad and yeah idk it just hurt so i cut shit loads of times like 35 times on my arms legs, n I started bruising recently too, I liek it actually...but yeah...Stress major...finals....guys....stupid shit... yeah I cut on my wrist too, its liek not deep at all just liek 50 trillion cuts criss crossing n stuff, lightly but yeah idk...its just ughh stressfull adn Idk I really just wanan go away! |
| 10:27p | well blurty sucked for a while so i couldn't update. i cut. i cut a couple of days ago on my arm. it felt so good and i wanted to do more but i didn't feel like covering up so i stoped myself. i did carve a heart and 2 x's in my ankle but you can't realyl see them. i cut today to. with a tac. no blood tho :( i cut once on my arm and carved PAIN into my left ankle above the heart that you can't see. i think im going to cut later becasue i need to. i've been so stressed out. my cousin is coming home the 22nd. its a long story. to make it short... he's 16.. he was that "gangster" type and was heading down a bad road. he was on drugs, drinking, failing. so his parents who split up.. which i think made him worse sent his to whyoming with out him knowing he was staying there. they sent him the day before easter last year and has been there ever siince. but before they sent him....he was chainging. i could tell and he also told me that he wasn't doing drugs anymore. he stoped dressing like a gangster and started dressing preppy. i'm scared to see him. i don't know why. i don't know what to say to him. i mean we never really talked. but we talked enough you know what i mean? these other 2 cousins that i have.. ones my age and ones a year older then me making her a year younger then andrew (my cousin) there the slut type girls. they talked to him more then me. only becasue they think he's hot (wrog VERY wrong) it kind of got me mad jsut because. so i guess i never felt good enough to talk to him. yet i don't think hes hot. but maybe he thinks that being that close is how cousins are suppose to be. but with me i'm not like that. i'm shy. extreamly shy as you can tel lthat i barly talk to my own cousin. but i could be best friends with him but only because were nothing a like. but i ahve afeeling that when he coems back thats all gonna change. i dont know.. im jsut gonna have to wait it out. its gonna be so weird. -manda Current Mood: lost |
| 10:36p | Dante has arrived Hello, I've been reading the entrys in this community for some time now... and now i feel that it is my time to jump and in put my own thoughts in here... Going threw... reading some of the entires that were put in... and then readin the comments that were left... I knew that this was something that i needed to be a part of... i need anything as of right now... and i think that this is going to be good for me... To know that i'm not alone, and that there are people that care, because as of right now, i'm alone... confused, and i dont know what to do... I've found this 'survey' in several peoples entires... so i thought that i would fill it out, instead of some poor excuse of an attempt in tryng toexplain myself 0. Do you cut? yeah 1. Who do you hide SI from? I try my best to hide it from everyone, but sometimes people see it... but usually dont care, i've been kicked out of school for it beucase a teacher saw 2. Who knows about it? some of my close friends 3. How long has it been since you last cut? about a month 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yes, cutting and hanging 5. Where do you usually cut? my wrist, all the way up my arm 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? i dont know, depends, sometime no one finds out, sometimes alot of people find out 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? I cut the night before, and then i woke up, and that pissed me off, there was a big blood stain on my bed, so sense i was pissed about the whole, wakeing up thing, i justgraped the knife and went to work again, went to school bleeding, it was running down my arm 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? not really, 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? sometimes.. 10. Do you name your razor? not yet 11. What other methods of SI do you use? sometimes i burn myselfpurposly at work, but i make it look like an accident ( i work at mcdonlds -.- ) and pills, benyaryl and advil, and lots of it 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? kinda, i have mexed feelings 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? long sleeves, watch, ruber bands, (sometimes i just use the rubbr bands to snap my wrist with, they sometimes cut it back open) 14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? Sometimes, sometimes i just stop caring 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? yeah 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? again the awnser... sometimes, at work it can be kinda hard, school not really though, but thebig problem is at track meets, beucase we cant have any sleeves or watches, so if its fairly fresh cuts i have to run kinda funny to hide it 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? stress relief, it help me sleep 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 20. What instrument do you use to cut? my knife and my sword 21. What causes you to cut? being overwhelmed with sometimes, most the time i just loose control, i will be sitting on my bed just uncontoably shacking to the point where i see things and hear things and i have no choce but to give in 22. What do you feel afterwards? tired, 23. What is your closest Close Call? When i passed out, i dont recall to much of went on because well... i was passed out, but i lost a very good amount of blood, and i was just dizzy, fell down, woke up acouple hours later, cleaned up the mess i made all overthe place, and went to bed, or the time i was going to hang myself from the tree in mybackyard... but i didnt, (obvioulsy) 24. How long have you been doing it? 3 years 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? no 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? i might of, but i didnt get them 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? i was forced to go to someone, but i got out of it, if i really need to talk i'll talk to a friend, but then i fell gulity and i just cutagain 28. Are your parents divorced? they might as well be, so yeah... now that thats done i dont really know what else to say... other than i'm new here, there seems to be a great deal of support here, and that is what i need, so i'm going to give this a try... i'm sorry, and i am going to do my best to be here for all of you, i want to help everyone, i wish i could take all the pain that has been put in this community away from all of you, if anyone ever needs anyone, i'm here for you... as for now... i'm out... farewell Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: linkin park |
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