Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

Time	Event
2:02p	... hi? I don't think I've written here in a really long time. I've been so busy with keeping up with school, and just... everything. Yesterday Jason and I broke up. I told him I didn't want a relationship with him anymore, but I wanted to be friends because I feel like we both need each other and we'd be good for each other, and we agreed and everything was fine. But, that doesn't make it easier to not be with him. I miss him, and I'm miserable. I don't know what to do... and I haven't cut in a while, a long while, and I don't want to. Jason and I are still friends, as a matter of fact, we talked earlier today on the phone for a while... it's just, going to be really hard to hang out with him and not be more than a friend, and it's going to drive me insane. For nearly 3 years now we're were never really just friends, we've always been 'together' or 'going out' and now... we're not. I don't know how to handle just being his friend... and I don't know what to do with myself. Current Mood: crushed (2 Comments | Comment on this)
5:55p	my poem i have been writing a lot of poems lately. i dont kno why some of them are ok... but i like this one i wrote this all on my only :) i might put more in here some other time... cuttings not a hobby its a need for my depression i have to feed mind is racing as i press in running the razor through my skin blood drips down my trembling arm like a snake for me to charm a crimson stream of internal hate cutting is forever my deadly fate... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: numb ~ linkin park (1 Comment | Comment on this)
6:00p	i havent written in a while... the past week has been great...but to night i runied everything.i dont think my will to die has ever been this strong. i was tlaking to mike (my boyfriend) on the phone, (he had just called, and i had just gotten off the phone with my mom) when i got a beep. i switched over to the other line to find that it was maygin...i retartedly told her that i was on the phone with my mom (i forgot that my mom and i had hung up and that mike called me) and i told her i would call her back. i switched back to find/remember that i was talking to mike not my mom. he asked me who had called. and me, being the biggest fucking moron in the world, lied and said it had been my dad. ive never lied to him before. the only reason i had said it was because when ever kayla or maygin calls me and i get back on the phone with him, i tell him they called and he arugues with me to call them back. all i wanted was to not argue. then maygin called mike. he came back and was like "did maygin just call you?" and i was like "yeah...she did". and he got really mad. ive never lied to him before...and he, just last week started to trust me again. and i had to go and totally fuck everything up. now here i am again in tears, knowing that hes never gonna believe a word i say, just wishing that i wasnt such an idiot, just wishing that i could do at least ONE thing right. now i dont know wether or not were gonna break up. if we do, its gonna be the hardest thing in the world for me. hes my first true love.i cant even remember what my life was like with out him.and i know that even if we dont break up, hes not gonna be able to trust me. and i hate it so much that i have to ruin absolutely everything. this was the first week in the longest time that i havent cried every night. cuz for the past month, ive cried every night. and its always been my falut that something has gone wrong in our relationship. when we had first started dating, the 3rd day we had been together, i had flirted with one of my best friends as a joke, and he just last week started to trust me.now i had to go and lie to him, which is gonna make it so he can probably never trust me again. and i feel terrible about it. hes the best guy in the world. he wouldnt trust me because hes had his heart broken before, and hes afraid that its gonn happen again. the one think that ive always wanted was for him to trust me... and i had to go and blow it. and i had been donig to good too... i hadnt cut in about 2 weeks. but i had to go and ruin that too.now im just terrified that im gonna lost some one that means the world to me. why am i such an idiot??? Current Mood: distressed (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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